Somtimes Honest Abe is a little...Too Honest. (632 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike (View user info) at 2004-11-20 23:15:10 EST
A couple months ago, I was placed under court ordered rehabilition for Alcohol. If anyone knows. Rehab sucks, residential rehab sucks even worse. There is nothing to do all day. My roomie was a 79 year old man named Abe. He had been drinking LTD, which he called "Love Till Dawn", since he was 14 religiously. I got a bunch of stories about him, this is just one, not very long.
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"This day reminds me of my love life" He announces in reference to the stormy day, studying the tower for his next move.
"Why is that Abe?"
"Cause I use to get pussy and now I dont." articulation I guess is not one of his pro's, nor are analogys.
"Wow, Thats makes a whole lot of sense."
"Urrmpphhhhhhh" Abe grunts like he is having a BM that involves tv remote, as he pushs one of the jenga blocks from the tower.
"Nice one Abe, Where'd you learn that trick, Appomattox?" I ask slouching down in my chair.
"It's not a trick, its all skill, pussy." He says stacking the block on top. Everything we do, Abe challenges my manhood: eating, sleeping, brushing my teeth, watching TV. I reach over and begin to pull out my block, obvious but as sly as an 79 year old alcoholic can be, Abe kicks the table slightly, the tower collaspes onto the hard wood top. It thunders outside
"Theres Jesus beating on his drums..." his eyes float over and meet my gaze, drawing attention away from the scene of the crime.
"What the fuck Abe?" I say staring at the jenga blocks.
"Ohhhh, whats wrong? Dont gotcha a new fangled cell phone or robot dog to help ya play. Ehehehehe." Old mother fucker is trying to rub it in. "Thats what wrong with you kids nowadays' your all queers cause of them psychologistys' are all telling you to be pussys and not take shit like a man." I'm about tired of his shit
"What the hell are you talking about? Your just sore cause they got your girly magazines." Abes face went hard. He stared at me like I was a black man trying to sit on the front seat of the bus. The councilers for some reason didn't like Abe looking at Porno's.
"You showed them where they were, didnt you? You nancy hippy bitch." He was serious as a heart attack, and probably nearing his 3rd.
After pleading innnocence around fifteen times, I just decided to quit. It was time for relationship counciling anyway--of course my partner was Abe.
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Everyone files into the white adorned classroom, I sit somewhere in the middle and Abe sits in the back.
Our teacher enters, His feeble hand raises from the back of the class, where all the rebels sit.
"...Yes Abe?" The tall somewhat attractive blonde asked
"Ms. Roberts why do I have to take this?"
"Well Abe, we believe that alcoholism becomes a disease because of frustrations with everything in life, including relationships." a cheerful response from someone seemingly genuinely concerned and willing to help him.
"Frustrated, Yeah I'm frustrated. My dick looks like a stack of dimes and my love life reminds me of that mole on your face(dont ask how)" he said pointing to this HUGE mole on our conceliers forehead. "Well come to think of it, I dont know if thats a good or bad comparison." He announces to everyone.
She just sat there for a second. Takes it all in, and bursts into tears. I guess she gets that alot. The class is all but silent watching our teacher cry.
"Oh and Ms. Roberts" Abe says with a certain satisfaction.
"Whu...What now Abe." She says sobbing.
"I shit myself." He said grinning ear to ear.
User Reviews
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-21 08:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-11-21 04:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
all you get from me is comments i'm afraid, my ratings don't count.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-21 03:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate when I dont get any ratings, so have another.
Submitted by mike18 (user info) at 2004-11-21 03:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, Abe was in rehab because he was drinking on the job at the car wash. Thanks for the ratings.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-21 03:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-11-21 01:50:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like just the sort of experience to drive a man to drink
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-11-21 01:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like just the sort of experience to drive a man to drink
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Recovery is great the 1st time around - enjoy it.