Scientific Investigation of Donald Trump (994 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.44 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Enraged Baboon (View user info) at 2004-11-21 06:43:30 EST
Donald Trump has become much better than the rest of us because he has a combination of money, a hot daughter, and insane hair. Experts at the Worldological Institute of Donald Trump, in association with the Society of Hairdos, have concluded Donald Trump is equal to at least twelve million sharks and can influence global warming by changing the color of his hair. The stratospheric certainties of this new insight are not clear, but the magical thing is that Donald Trump has enough money to turn your entire suburb into a casino.
The main strategy of The Donald is to buy all your stuff and use it to fuel a time machine. The time machine is so he can go back in time and buy your parents' house to use as fuel for another time machine. The second time machine is so he can go back in time and buy your mom to use as fuel for another time machine. It's all very complicated and I won't go into any further details, but the end result is that Donald Trump owns you and all your subsidiary rights, logos, and trademarks. You can try to get out of this by killing yourself, but upon your arrival in Hell you will find that Donald Trump owns the devil and all his minions (he also owns Heaven, but has plans to renovate it into a hair salon).
Donald Trump likes to fire people. That's because firing people is fun, complicated, and dynamic--just like his hair. It's also because Donald doesn't care about poor people. Donald Trump was a fan of Jonathan Swift's satirical plan to turn the poor people of Ireland into food, except he didn't see it as satire. He saw it as a profitable business. Donald Trump's hairstyle alone requires the Gross Domestic Product of Myanmar to sustain it. Once a manager at Trump's company asked him to stop maintaining his hair so he could donate the money to African charities, and Donald Trump fired him. Then he made him wear a Donald Trump wig on his ass for the rest of his life. Donald Trump kicks ass.
The best thing about Donald Trump is that most reality TV stars have to go back to their shitty lives when the show is over, but Donald just goes back to a town made out of gold--and he's the only person who lives there, except for nine thousand servants (who are also made out of gold). Sweet! Donald's whole life is dubbed over with the 'money-money-money-money... MONEY!' theme song. Man, I love that song. If you ever see him walking down the street or in an interview just remember that song is playing over and over in his mind and it will all make sense.
If a judge tried to send The Donald to jail then The Donald would just murder him and have him replaced with a tiger. The good thing about tigers is their fucking huge teeth, and the other good thing is that Donald can fire them. If Donald Trump had his way (and he will, someday) the entire Earth would be made out of gold and diamonds. Plus, all the poor people would fed into a machine that generates his theme song. Scientists have not yet figured out how to turn human flesh into the best song ever, but if they don't hurry up then Donald will fire them. That anecdote revealed an interesting fact: Donald Trump owns science.
Donald Trump bought science from Isaac Newton in 1724. It cost him two bucks, because he told Newton that a tiger would fire him if he didn't sell. Some idiots in the audience might ask how Donald Trump could be alive in 1724. I've already told you: Donald Trump owns science. He clearly travelled into the future and brought back a time-machine in which he transported himself back to Newton's time. If you think that doesn't make sense then you are a Communist. You are also guilty of crimes against The Trump, not to mention conspiracy to commit Trumpicide.
If you are an employee of Donald Trump and you do something he doesn't like then you will get a letter on your desk. Here is what the letter will say:
"Once apon a time there was an employee called you. Then they fired you and you got the hell out of their office."
If you try to sue Donald Trump for unfair dismissal then you are like a poodle attacking Voltron. Donald Trump owns 99.999% of the world, this includes the law. You could try and kill Donald Trump, but that would be like Bill O'Reilly refraining from phone sex--it just won't happen. Donald Trump owns mortality. Nobody lives or dies in this world unless The Donald approves of it. Scientists have discovered that your life doesn't flash before your eyes when you die; a theme song just plays in the background while Donald Trump's hair pops up and says "You're Fired". Donald Trump is the wind beneath my wings.
User Reviews
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2004-11-22 14:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! And believe it or not, she had big titties BEFORE the operation, but trup made her super-size them.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-11-22 00:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That woman is so fake that it's scary.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-22 00:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Were you high when you wrote this?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-21 14:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-11-21 08:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-21 07:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who she is, but I like her.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-21 07:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for The Donald.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-21 07:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ckoewing (user info) at 2004-11-21 06:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sorry, i'm sure it's good an all, but i'm just way too fucking tired to read it right now.
yet i will give you an 'A' for effort.
+0 because trump is the fucking man.
+2 because that woman is so fucking hot, so so so fucking. i would even consider two timing that bitch with trump, just to fuck her. and in no way would i ever in any other surcumstance want to be anywhere near anyother dude that's naked.