Tom Whips Jimbo (2898 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.96 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-11-22 15:29:54 EST
When Tom, Nick, and I were roommates, we lived in an apartment above a fellow named Eric, who was (and probably still is) gay. Eric had a bullwhip (I have no idea why...maybe it's a gay thing). And one day, when we were drunk as hell, we asked Eric if we could play with it in the parking lot. The idiot said yes.
We lined up beer cans on the hood of Tom's Blazer and took turns trying to whip them off. Here's a little bit of info to hold onto: a bullwhip is a hell of a lot harder to use correctly than you see in the movies. Try as we might, we just couldn't hit those damn cans. Tom started to get pissed off, and took to yelling in between attempts.
"Fucking"... *SNAP*... "Goddamn"... *POW* "Piece of shit"...*CRACK*..."this thing is FUCKING DEFECTIVE!!"
Then Eric came out and showed us what's what. POW!! POW!! POW!! POW!! Four cracks of the whip, four cans flying through the air.
"The trick", he explained to us, "is to use your wrist, like this. Here, I'll show you again. Hey Jimbo, line those cans up, would you?"
Against my better judgment, I strolled over to the Blazer and started picking up cans. Tom thought it would be fucking hysterical to scare me by cracking the whip right behind me as I was lining the cans up, so he snatched the bullwhip out of Eric's hand, took a few steps back, and let fly. Clearly, he misjudged the distance to the car, because I heard:
WHOOOOOOSH.........SMACK!!
Searing fiery agony exploded across my shoulder blade and I collapsed to the ground screaming like a little bitch.
And suddenly I understood what it was like to be Tom. Suddenly everything became clear to me. I could conceive of nothing but his blackened blood spilling into the street, as my Fist of Madness smashed straight through his fucking insolent mocking skull. The world became silent to me. I could see mouths open in mid-scream, but no sound reached my ears. I was acutely focused on Tom, and his impending gory death.
Tom evidently glimpsed through the window into my soul, and saw the pure blinding white hatred burning there. His goofy fucking smile dissolved into a grimace of fear. He then did what, in retrospect, was the only reasonable thing to do. He Ben Johnson-ed his happy ass straight the fuck out of there.
And I was left all alone in the parking lot. The hatred was suddenly released from my mind, and I sat there for a good 30 minutes, thinking of nothing except flowers, rainbows, and waterfalls. When I came to, I stood up, walked back into the apartment, and suddenly felt the uncontrollable urge to play Nintendo Hockey. Nick and Tom tiptoed back into the apartment a few hours later. I said nothing. Nothing needed to be said. It was as if Nothing Ever Happened.
It was the first, last, and only time I channeled Tom. And man, you should have seen the welt on my back the next day.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-01 00:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-10 01:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a ho-hum story made oh so good
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come back JIMBO!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-06 16:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whip it good
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe I forgot to rate this. Jimbo, your Tom stories are one of the main reasons I keep coming back here.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-11-30 15:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-11-24 19:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was only going to +1 you, but the picture kicked ass and seeled it.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why no pic?
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you actually admit to channeling Tom? Weird, I would take that to my grave.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-11-24 01:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pure 100% awesome!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup always fun till someone gets their eyes poked out.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-22 18:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff as always
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoopah! i mean whoop-SH!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap
there are some Maplethorpe (?) pictures out there that might clear up why he had the whip
best not to dwell on it too long
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If he had known what he was doing, he could easily have both cut through your shirt and skin and left a nice deep gash.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Ben Johnson as a verb!
Oh yeah, and getting whipped hurts like a motherfucker.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love it when a new tom story comes out. these rock!
whips, chains, handcuffs...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-22 16:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahaha "Fist of Madness"
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bigaty-BAM, mother fucks!!!!
+2
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no Shrieking Like A Beserker?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not my favorite Tom story, but the Picture added +1.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:33:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy. but not as good as the other Tom stories.
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Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy. but not as good as the other Tom stories.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chips 'n dips, chains 'n whips...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 Tom story
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment