Unlife in the Suburbs (1686 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.96 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (View user info) at 2004-11-23 03:23:43 EST
Mustering all the sweetness my voice can manage, I call his name.
"La-a-a-a-az. Oh, Laa-a-a-aszlo. Could you come here for a moment?"
"Coming!" the reply echoes up from our stuffy basement and I hear him put a tool down on the cement floor. Presently he emerges and strides into the living room, a grin peeking out from under his bushy black moustache. I notice a half-eaten cookie in his hand.
He is clearly excited about something, his blue eyes almost incandescent. He begins, in his thick eastern European accent.
"Dani, you will never gue -"
"What," I interrupt, the syrup in my voice turning to poison. "is that?" I point at the sofa, or at least what is lying on it.
"You mean Kelley and Shelley?" I can't believe he has the audacity to let that inquisitive tone leak into his voice.
"You named them?"
"Of course not!" He chuckles "They introduced themselves."
Oh. Peachy. Just peachy.
"OK, let me rephrase my question." I pause and take a breath - hardly necessary, but it adds to the effect. "Laszlo, why the blistering FUCK are there two unconscious girl scouts on our sofa?"
"I was hungry." He looked hurt for a moment. "I got one for you too."
"Where did you get them?"
"They were selling cookies." He takes another bite of the cookie in his hand, brown crumbs rain onto the rug. "I saved you some of them too." He points to the kitchen, where several dozen boxes of cookies are neatly stacked on the counter. He lowers his voice conspiratorially, pointing at the remaining chunk of cookie in his hand. "The Thin Mints are particularly good."
"Laszlo, we are living in the city suburbs, not an old castle in Tachov. You can't go around snatching girl scouts like they are wandering monks! People will notice!"
"Danika, relax." He wanders over and puts an arm around my shoulders "We are vampires. We have survived for centuries safe in the knowledge that we can do pretty much whatever we like."
I move away from his embrace and face him, frustration burning in my eyes.
"It is precisely that attitude that lost us centuries worth of wealth and landed us in a modest two-bedroom suburban home! I am sick of you taking stupid risks like this! There is a burgeoning homeless population down by the river - we hardly need to start swiping children off the streets." You would think centuries of existence would instill you with a sense of calm and patience; it sure as hell hasn't worked for me.
"Their parents will call the police, who will, no doubt come a-knocking in the near future..."
He picks the sentence up, and replaces his arm around me.
"And we will lie to the police. And they will believe us. We are vampires, Dani! Their little mortal minds can be manipulated. They will believe whatever we want them to." He rubs my shoulder. "There is nothing to worry about."
He is right, but I would rather die, again, than admit it.
"Besides," he continues. "We have to eat sometime, and the Girl Scouts do home deliveries." He chuckles. "Not even the old monks in Tachov did that."
"I'm not hungry." He may have won the argument, but I will remain defiant to the last.
"Not hungry?! Just look at them!" He makes a broad sweeping gesture to the brown, overstuffed sofa.
I look over at the two blissfully unconscious girls; ironed uniforms, curly golden locks, smooth, pale skin and angelic faces. They are barely into their teens. My stomach rumbles, loudly. Damn it.
"Ah hah!" Declares Laszlo victoriously "It would seem that I am not the only one around here with a hunger for more than cookies!"
I sigh resignedly and walk over to the sofa.
"Do you want to split one, or shall we open both of them?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-23 23:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, this was good... but now I'm gonna have to read the whole fucking series....
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-31 09:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ay yay yay
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-12-07 10:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea why I didn't read this sooner.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-02 16:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2004-11-28 22:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool story
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-28 22:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The perfect review is deserved.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2004-11-28 20:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read...but now i want cookies...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-27 10:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vampires; Mmmmmmmmmm...
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:02:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it bad that, in my mind, Laszlo looks like Cheech?
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I meant for him to come out as more of a lumbering, slightly buffoonish eastern European - but hey, feel free to interpret these things however you like.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My kind of story.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate cookies.
Submitted by Jack_Laridian (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb. The fact that they are vampires kind of sneaks up on you.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't happen to recently play "Bloodlines: The Masquerade", did you?
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it bad that, in my mind, Laszlo looks like Cheech?
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Samoas and whatever the peanut butter ones are called...mmmm....
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...delightfully morbid. Insecure vampire.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomely amazing. Amazing Awesome.
Inscrupulously fantabulous!
Too far?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. But the Samoas are the cookie of choice, ya know?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-23 09:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did I have to face you in Ubermadness? Good stuff.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-23 09:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Awesome.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-23 09:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff.
-Davros
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-11-23 08:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is funny shit
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-23 08:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man i could suck suck the blood out of a little girl right now... In fact, i think i will...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-23 08:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-23 08:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. You're nuts.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-23 07:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dizzyupthegirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 04:12:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
lol not sure if it was sposed to but the thought of two vamps talkin like college stoners is awesome... made me giggle.
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Glad you liked it. I wanted to see what would happen if you took the typical vampire from their unfathomably wealthy, cloistered lives and dumped them in the middle of the burbs.
Where did they come from though? How did they wind up in the suburban sprawl? Do they eat the rest of the thin mints? I guess you will have to wait and see if I get bored enough at work to write any follow-ups to answer these questions...
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-23 06:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-11-23 05:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-11-23 04:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn I want a thin mint
Submitted by dizzyupthegirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 04:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol not sure if it was sposed to but the thought of two vamps talkin like college stoners is awesome... made me giggle.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-23 03:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to take this opportunity to say that Girl Scouts sucked, and I always wished I could be in Boy Scouts with my 2 brothers and my dad, the den leader, and my mom, the den mother.
No, I was all alone, selling lame-ass cookies and learning arts and crafts...simply because I had a vagina and not a penis..
And the day came when the Boy Scouts got to go out in the woods in the middle of winter and dig in the frozen ground, and make a "bed" with pine branches, and be badass survival megastars and stuff; not to mention the cake auctions and the boat races and the wooden cars....
:(
I wanted to be a Boy Scout.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-23 03:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! I like it. And I like your name.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-23 03:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's been a while since I have written anything, so I am probably a bit rusty. There is the possibility of future installments along this story line, but I will wait and see how this one is received.