Why I'm Never Skiing Again (896 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sublime (View user info) at 2004-11-23 13:14:09 EST
As a child I played the more conventional sports like Hockey, Football and Baseball. I hadn't once ventured into the realm of standing on two pieces of wood and sending my ass flying down a mountain, but my mother saw in the newspaper an advertisement for a ski-hill that was having a special all week. The ad said, $1 for a lift ticket $1 for rental, this may sound like a pretty sweet deal, but heres the sweeter part (as many canadians should know), they accept Canadian Tire money at par. For those who aren't familiar with this currency, its simply like a rewards plan type thing where this store prints their own money with some goofy looking scarf wearing typical canadian on the bill. For every $50 you spend you get like 2 or 3 bucks, so spending $10 gets you a 5 cent Canadian tire bill. (heres a picture if you want to see the guy on the bill, http://campkidston.hypermart.net/images/Canadian_Tire_money.jpg).
Anyway upon the revelation of said cheap ski hill, my Dad told us we weren't going to school friday because he was teaching us how to ski. I think I was 13 at the time, so I gloated to my friends a little about how I was playing hooky, I ruled.
We left bright and early friday morning, dressed too warm for the occasion. We were the first to arrive at this said hill, whose name I don't remember, because at this moment particular moment it recieved a new name, Mount Bumfuck.
The place looked as if some backwoods part of the south just managed to stumble way up into Quebec, pass out and never leave. The "Lodge" consisted of a wood shanty like structure with a wood burning furnace in the middle of the room. The cafeteria was another rundown piece of crap. Normally a hill like this wouldn't be enough to garner a name like Mount Bumfuck, but when you see the janitor taking an axe to a picnic table, to have wood for the furnace, you're in Bumfuck country, Mount Bumfuck country.
So far it was a hilarious experience, because I hadn't made an ass out of myself yet, but that was soon to come. I paid the nice canadian hick with all the canadian tire money I had, so this was like free skiing. Then i made my way to the rickety chairlift. The seats on the chairlift looked like they had been ripped from an old schoolbus and stuck onto a frame, no windshield, no safety bars, just hold the fuck on.
I was a little afraid of heights so the chairlift made me uneasy, but I managed. My first difficulty in skiing came with coming off the chairlift, I dismounted, and fell. Seeing my dad already off and stopped at the top of the hill, and the thought of the oncoming chairlift made me realize i better get the hell up quick. So trying to right myself on these proved quite frivolous as i looked like sizzling bacon. The next chairlift came and it was only my brother, his first time as well. He hugged the other side of the chair to steer clear of me, dismounted and fell, and following in suit looked like sizzling bacon, or two handicapped kids having seizures, whatever does it for you.
The laughing chair operator promptly stopped the chair lift as the groans of everyone on the chairlift echoed throughout the mountain. I had managed to right myself as had my brother and my dad to just ski gently to where he was and stop. He was about 15 feet away, thats doable i thought.
I saw my brother do it, he then fell, so i started to go. The way the top of the hill was shaped, my straight trajectory turned into a leftward trajectory, and not wanting to fall again i ended up bolting down the mountain. If you had not seen me previously falling as i came off the chair lift, and you saw me bolting down, you might have said, "he's pretty good", but in reality, i was scared shitless. I was about halfway through the run, going bloody fast. I knew that i was coming onto the main hill which is even steeper than what i was doing now. So, abandoning the thought that had brought me this far, I made myself fall, and i fell, hard. One of my skis flew off, so half the battle was won, as I took of the other and walked the rest of the way down.
After the worry left my dad (assuming he was worried), he promptly began to laugh at me. After that I got the hang of skiing somewhat and could do all the runs on the hill, mainly because it was a small hill.
All my skiing capability would be put to the test some years later as i ventured on the grad ski trip to Mont Sainte-Anne. This hot girl who I hadn't known went to my school had aparently heard about me from her friends and asked me to go on a run with her. At this stage in my skiing career, my skill level was at the - let me on the bunny hill and don't fuck with me - point. She took me on a Gondola and brought me really high fucking up. In my mind i was saying, "bitch, you crazy", but in what i told her was, "I'm not very good at skiing you know", to which she replied, "Well, chris only learned today and he only fell twice", which wasn't at all reasuring. But because I'm a male, or an idiot, i went on with it. This hill was bloody steep, and she she skied down gracefully as i snow plowed down with my knees in agony. At a certain point she was maybe 40 yards ahead of me, so i figured, Hey, I can do this. About 2.2 seconds after releasing the snowplow, i found out that i infact couldn't. I zipped by her and let out a scream, and like the previous time, i forcibly fell.
One ski fell off, she picked it up and rescued me, laughing her ass off, my eyelashes were frozen. After successfully making an fool out of myself, i figured the worst was over. I slowly made my way down the rest of the run, which wasn't much. Then she picked the next run to take to take us to the bottom.
This particular run wasn't as bad as the previous one, and I could handle it decently. So we started to chit chat a little as we went down the hill. I must have lost sight of who was in front of me, because my skis surrounded this old guy's skis who was in front of me and i became immobile, behind him, almost pushing him forward. So not knowing what to do i instinctively started pelvic thrusting him in a vain and asinine attempt to get my skis loose. The debacle ended in me falling and losing a ski, which she picked up, and rescued me again.
I would like to say this story ended good with me getting laid by her and whatnot, but it didn't. I found out I wasn't metrosexual enough really. Which is a comforting thought, because i can say i am too much man for her.
In closing, I'm never skiing again.
User Reviews
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-30 13:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.
Submitted by TheRocketeer (user info) at 2004-11-28 23:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is pretty funny--but man, you should keep skiing. What was so bad about that? Didnt you miss the toilet the first couple times you stood up to piss? I say take the dives, laugh at yourself a little bit, cause skiing can be the most fun ever.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-23 23:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, all Canadians know that an intact full canadian tire Dollar bill is very rare. More rare than the unicorn. I think I have seen one ever. Usually they come on the ten cent variety.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I went night skiing with my friend Ally. On the way up the hill on the chairlift, it stopped, and we were stuck hanging halfway up the mountain. We ended up making out. And it was awesome.
+2 for skiing.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh... i love skiing so fuckin much. Stick to it, man! It gets better, i swear!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-11-23 16:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mick, since theres no hockey I think i'm going to commit suicide.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:49:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not skiing anymore? What the hell are you gonna do for the 11 months you are dick high in snow?
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love skiing. I can't wait til it snows enough here so I can go again.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Mont-St.Anne. lovely, lovely ladies go there...
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did not disappoint.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was excellent.
-Davros
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I love skiing. This will be my 18th year and the snow should be falling soon.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The last time I skiied (emphasis too here on LAST) was on Jizerske Hory in Czech republic. They had chair lifts that were simply a bar that came along and you were sposed to catch it and put it between your legs and then ski your way up, stradding this thing. Well, mine came a little fast so all I could do was catch it with my hands thus making me have to hang on for like 5 miles up the mountain. This became quite difficult at times and eventually i had to let go. Of course there were people coming right behind me and this was deep snow, so I couldnt just move out of the way quickly.
Suffice to say they were pissed, in a language i couldnt understand. Once I WALKED the rest of the way up, i tried to ski down, but these were not the slopes I was used to back here in the states. I fell like 1000 times and only went down the mountain once, giving my remaining lift tickets to my friend Vojta and heading to the bar.
Fuck snow skiing.
+2 for the baddest man on Ubersite
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
by the second part of the story, i was 16
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-23 13:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry you didn't get laid... wait, you were 13!