Dental Floss: Helping to Keep My Teeth, and My Social Circles, Whiter than Ever (1946 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.87 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2004-11-23 14:04:44 EST
I'm not a racist, but...
Wait a minute. No, I won't start this in that clichéd, ridiculous way.
I love and hate people of all races, creeds, colors, sexual preferences, etc. When I judge a person, I do it based on the content of their character.
However, I do like a good racial joke every now and then, regardless of race. I'm German-Irish and I laugh when my friends ask me why I haven't recently invaded Poland on a drinking binge. I think there are funny things about people that need to be exploited for everyone else's sake.
I met all of my current roommates in the first week or so at school in my freshman year at college, so I consider myself pretty lucky as far as that goes. With a few of these guys came a certain group of girls that have essentially been our alter-crew. When we have a party, they come over and drink free beer. When they make dinner, we go over and eat free food, which is their way of "repaying" us for all the free beer. Apparently in the distant land known as Estrogenia, a five-dollar meal can repay thirty dollars of alcohol.
Oh well. It's worth it to have a bare minimum of six good-looking girls at every one of our parties to get things started.
As things generally go at an expensive university, there isn't an extremely large amount of diversity. The six girls are white, white, white, white, white, and Asian. The Asian girl's name is Nicole. My group of friends is white, white, white, white, white, and white. It is not some grand, pro-white conspiracy; it's just that there were only two non-white guys living on our entire floor.
Like I said, in the beginning of last year we were all just getting to know each other. The girls were all pretty nice, but the ice hadn't properly been broken yet. So one night we all decided to hang out in my friend Jeff's room and drink our worries away.
"Jeff," I said. "What do we have?"
"A few thirties and some hard liquor," answered Jeff. He tried hard not to drool on his collar, but his alcoholism tends to make him slobber like a retard at the dentist's office.
"When are the girls coming?" I asked.
"They'll be down in a little while," said Jeff.
So we waited. In the meantime, the six of us started drinking and telling jokes and stories. I told one joke that got everyone, especially Jeff, roaring. I also told everyone about this one time I saved some random girl from the evil clutches of consciousness by slipping her a magic pill to make her "sleep" the night away.
I'm just kidding. I don't slip people roofies. Chloroform works much better.
Eventually, the girls came down and that dorm room was packed tighter than Siegfried's ass after a "rustle in the hay" with Roy.
Everyone exchanged greetings and Nicole, the Asian girl, sat on the bed across from my chair. We had a grand ol' time for a while in that tiny room with so many people. We drank, we laughed, and a few of us even asphyxiated.
At one point, we got back into telling jokes.
"Jan, man," said a drunken Jeff who was sitting next to Nicole. "You...have to tell that joke you told us before. It was hi...larious."
"Yeh," I said. "That sounds like a great idea!"
I went over the joke in my head and asked myself the usual questions.
Was it funny? Sure!
Would it be offensive to anyone? I looked around the room. Ah, whatever, I told myself. Probably not.
"Ok, ok, ok," I prepped myself. "Why..." That's when I looked directly across from me and saw Nicole listening intently to what I was saying.
Wait a minute, I thought. Isn't this...
"Come on!" yelled Jeff.
"Alright," I said forgetting about Nicole. "Why shouldn't Asians be allowed to drive cars?"
Nicole stared at me. She didn't seem too amused.
She hasn't heard the punch line yet, dumbass, I said to myself. I shifted my gaze slightly to Jeff who was nodding like an idiot with both thumbs up. I had the green light.
"Why shouldn't Asians be allowed to drive cars?"
I paused...
"Because you can blindfold them with dental floss!" All the guys laughed. None of the girls did. Maybe they hadn't heard me...
"Because you can blindfold them with dental floss!" I said loudly. They still weren't laughing. Maybe they hadn't gotten the joke...
"They have really small eyes!" I said even louder. Although this wasn't a false observation on my part, the fire that burned behind Nicole's eyes was anything but small.
"Alright," I said. "You might not have liked that one, but this other Asian joke I have is awesome."
She got up and walked out of the room before I had a chance to tell my joke. A few of her friends followed her.
Our little shindig quickly degenerated into a scene from the highly acclaimed documentary about the meat industry, "The Dangers of Sausage Overpopulation." The girls didn't come back that night, but most of them (not including Nicole) have forgotten about it.
It's been a while and Nicole still hasn't decided to be tremendously friendly with me. I can't say that I blame her, especially since my friends and I like to insert a few reminding jabs from time to time. I'll walk into a room where she's hanging out with my friends and say, "Just finished brushing my teeth."
One of my friends will respond with, "Did you remember to floss?"
She thinks that I hate Asian people because of a joke. Despite my blatant stupidity, I'm passing the blame onto those commie dental floss manufacturers for making the damn stuff so thin and brainwashing me into thinking an Asian would ever think that joke was funny.
Oh well. I guess the only question I should be asking myself is: Was it worth it?
Yes.
You're God damn right it was.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for hot Asian chicks.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-12-13 01:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Because you can blindfold them with dental floss!" All the guys laughed. None of the girls did. Maybe they hadn't heard me...
"Because you can blindfold them with dental floss!" I said loudly. They still weren't laughing. Maybe they hadn't gotten the joke...
"They have really small eyes!" I said even louder. Although this wasn't a false observation on my part, the fire that burned behind Nicole's eyes was anything but small.
---
I was laughing all through that part =P
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-11 06:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a terrible joke.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by degree451 (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite funny. Reminds me of the family guy when peter keeps repeating 'so you'd have something to look at while you're talking to them! hahahaha!'
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
mmm
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honkey-tastic!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhaa you are going to hell. but was it worth it?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But I love Asian chicks.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The world would be a much better place if we all could laugh at ourselves more.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-23 17:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-23 17:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was a terrific story.
i do enjoy a good asian chick from time to time.
I was reading through some of my old posts, and came across a reply of yours regarding how newark, east orange, paterson and camden are crack infested shitholes and 99.99% of jersey is not like that... a thought then came to my mind: i bet newark, east orange, paterson, camden and a few other towns make up more than 0.01% of new jersey.
that is all.
good post
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-23 16:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-11-23 16:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the joke was funny, and I think you told this story well.
You should've banged Nicole. Asian chicks are fun, dude.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you repeated the punchline it reminded me of family guy, where peter get in troube for sexual harresment.
+1 for good story
+1 for reminding me of family guy
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Three people are in the woods, and they want to build a log cabin.
One is Asian.
One is Black.
One is a redneck.
Problem is, they have no money, and no supplies.
All three men sit in the woods, pondering how to solve the situation, and all three come up with an idea at the same time.
The redneck says "Hey, let's go to a bank and get a loan."
So they all head down to the bank, but the loan is declined because the black man has crappy credit.
As they leave the bank, the black man says "Why don't we just beg for the money?"
So all three stand on a street corner with signs, but they make no money because the redneck gets drunk and argues with everyone who stops.
Finally, the Asian guy says, just follow me. We'll get this cabin built in no time."
So they all go back up into the woods, and the Asian man starts walking deeper into the woods.
The other two have no idea what's going on, so the redneck decides to ask.
"Hey man, where are we goin?"
The Asian responds, "We're gonna cut down some trees!"
The black man says, "How? We don't have a saw?"
"You think God gave me these teeth to smile?"
I know it's a shitty joke, but my Dad loves to tell it...
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world.
White and white and white and white
They are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
well, that's the way WE sang it in sunday school.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way. I'm stopping by at Jared's on the way down to New Jersey tomorrow. This will officially be my first Ubermeet, but I'm going to be very wary.
I'm going to assume the worst and bring a shotgun. If our adventures are wacky enough, they may or may not be posted. Most likely...not.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You called me a retard and an idiot, I feel an urge to -2 your whinny ass, but this was good.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm just kidding. I don't slip people roofies. Chloroform works much better."
You had me at this point.
And it finished well too.
-Davros
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She needs to grow up and learn to take a joke.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A.
Asians are damn fine though, many of them.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we should drink together sometime.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was it worth it? Yeah, probably. Just drink.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm all for breaking down racial barriers through inappropriate insults.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Dangers of Sausage Overpopulation."
I'm envisaging some kind of drunken Deliverance. Not pleasant.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh well. I guess the only question I should be asking myself is: Was it worth it?
Yes.
You're God damn right it was.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That reminds me of the time I "inadvertently" told a dirty joke to a Baptist preacher.
People have no sense of humor anymore.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe Estrogenia is asking for an invasion by way of drinking binge.