I'm a Celebrity...!' (NSFW) (1586 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Iago <staccers.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-23 14:30:52 EST
As another bout of the 'Fast-Food' television series, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" descends on us and invades our homes, here are the predictions based on astronomical and theological facts, as decreed by the sage of our times, Mystic Meg MBE:
2005:
For the very first time, the line-up of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!' includes a celebrity cannibal. Brian Peck, 53, who rose to fame in 1982, when he was sentenced to 20 years in prison for cooking and eating the man who'd come to fix the oven.
"We are always on the lookout for new types of celeb," explains Channel 4's Director of Arts and Culture, Sue Cheese. "And as Britain's best known cannibal, Brian is truly cutting-edge."
Peck defies the book-makers and makes it to the final five, though some suggest he known more about the overnight disappearance of former ape, Gail Porter than he is letting on. Sue Cheese rushes in on his defence. "There's nothing in the rules which say you can't eat a fellow contestant, so good luck to him," she says. "And it's not as if Gail was doing all that well, anyway."
On his return from the jungle, Peck is given his own chat-show, a record deal and a cookery column in a leading women's magazine.
2006:
Worried that the celebrated 'Bush-Tucker Trial' is beginning to weary viewers, Sue Cheese introduces an exciting new twist.
Viewers may now vote interactively for the celebrity that they wish to undergo "Bush-Tucker Surgery". Former 'Take That!' star Don Fillwell is the first to be nominated for the removal of the toe of his choice by a qualified surgeon. He takes the announcement in good heart and makes the cheery 'thumbs up' sign to the viewer's whilst undergoing the five-minute operation. "It was a bit of fun," he says, as he limps back to the camp afterwards. "And it's gained us six whole meals and a bottle of wine."
Commentators believe it is Dons easygoing manner under surgery that inspired viewers 'King of the Jungle.' His new single, 'You are king of my toe,' goes straight to number one.
2007:
Tragedy strikes the set of 'I'm a Celebrity...' when former 'Brookside' star Kurt Short is eaten alive by an alligator.
Kurt was taking part in a game called 'Alli-Ooops!' in the hope of earning a three-course dinner for the rest of the camp. The game involved wading across a swamp - but what Kurt didn't know was that there was an alligator lurking in it! Those crafty producers! As a mark of respect, the production team allow the remainder of the team their full evening meal.
"Kurt will always be remembered as a terrific sport!" says Sue Cheese from Channel 4. And I'm delighted to say his tragic death has served only to increase his popularity. It's what he would have wanted." Four days later, viewers vote Kurt posthumous 'King of the Jungle,' and his agent accepts the award, and the appearance fee on his behalf. His fellow celebrities record a tribute album, 'Thanks For The Dinner, Mate' which goes straight in at number one.
2008:
Faced with declining viewing figures, a new feature is introduced into this year's 'I'm a Celebrity...' following the same routine as in previous years, the eight celebrities must parachute into the jungle site, but with one difference: one of the parachutes is missing.
Sue Cheese rebuffs critics who accuse the show of sadism. "Our celebs know what they're letting themselves in for - it's just a bit of fun!" she insists.
Viewing figures soar. The unlucky parachutist is former 'Crossroads' Star Sid Downe, who dies on impact. "Even though Sid was the least will-known of our celebrities," says Sue Cheese in a moving tribute on prime-time television, "when it came to leaping out of an aeroplane without a parachute, he was a true professional."
Sid Downe's death has reawakened public interest in his acting career. Channel 4 now plans to screen 'An Evening with the Former Sid Downe,' with an accompanying DVD (£18.99), including contributions from a host of stars, some of which knew him personally. "It's great news for Sid," says his former wife, a former model.
2009:
The alligator that ate former 'Brookside' star Kurt Short in the jungle two years earlier, has agreed to join this year's 'I'm a Celebrity...' as a contestant.
"Ever since the alligator ate Kurt, Ali the Alligator has become a well-loved celebrity in his own right." Explains Channel 4's Sue Cheese, adding: "He's a strong character with a biting sense of humour." But many media commentators believe that Ali agreed to join the show as a last-ditch effort to shore up his declining career. "All he's done in the last six months is a single appearance on 'Animal Hospital'," says one.
As the series progresses, other jungle celebrities - a former TV pundit, a former MP and a former topless model - form a clique, side-lining the alligator. "He's always so snappy and thick-skinned," grumbles the former model.
But six days in, the viewers grow bored and vote to divert a major river through the jungle camp. All the other celebrities are swept away, leaving Ali the Alligator the outright winner. Early in the New Year he is given his own show, in which he consumes ordinary members of the public, and makes them famous.
He has released a number one selling single.
... and for those of you who don't think this was funny, here is the Car-Thieves Guild's favourite pin-up... Jordan!
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-10 13:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WINNER! http://www.ubersite.com/m/84913
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-28 05:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Lying sack of shit stealing material bastard.
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-11-24 11:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, man; I can't bear to think that anyone believes "The Age of Symmetry" was the kind of crap I would write. It was a ploy to see if I could write something crap that seemed serious and get positive reviews. I'm really not that pathetic.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because it's good, and to stop your crying.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good. the entertainment domination of UK weeknights begins again
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's a link to a whole gallery of her pics, you guys weren't kidding, some of those are look pretty hideous.
http://www.famousbabes.com/katieP/indexs.html
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:43:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I understood the post (being English) and because that's one of the better pictures of Jordan I've seen.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know why but something keeps pulling me back to this post. I'm going to stare at it for 10 minutes, see if i can figure out why.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations of finding an (almost) non ghastly picture of Jordan. Post was amusing too.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I didn't get a lot of this due to the fact that I'm not English.
Jordan, however, transcends all boundaries.
Boobs = +1
Big boobs = +2
In summation: Boobs = YAY!
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i re d2005 and 2006 then gave up. but +1 for the pic
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I never ever want to see this programme referred to on this site again. There are some advantages to an American-dominated internet.
(+1 for the pic, Jordan may be grotesque but that's a good pic)
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, im English. Quite a controversial nationality, on this website.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry dude but...."I'm a celebrity".... what? Are you a limey?
have this +1 incase you are.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
papayas are sweet...