Welcome to Hell (707 hits)
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Submitted by The Toast Eating Bastard (View user info) at 2004-11-23 16:15:45 EST
Hell gets a bad rep. And it's all because of those damn Catholics. Since I'm an atheist, if the Catholics are right, I'm going there. I've decided to look into exactly what Hell is. If I die, according to me, my consciousness ends and I'm stuck 6 feet under, and that's the end. But according to religion, when I die, fantastic and wonderful things will happen.
Even for me.
"But you're going to Hell!" you say. "Fire and brimstone! Blah de blah blah blah!" Yes, I know what Hell is, I'm not an idiot. But Hell is always talked about as a punishment of eternal damnation. Hell just needs a good spokesman. No, I'm not talking about those retards that think that Satan has risen above God and made Hell full of free beer and ever-burning fields of weed. Hell is still hotter than the sun, and there will always be boulders waiting to be pushed up hills. Anyway, here's a comparison of the Catholic hell vs. what Hell's spokesman would say.
Catholic Hell:
On Earth, It would be a bottomless pit with enough smoke to block out the sun
A lake of fire and brimstone where you experience a second death
Satan is not the king of Hell, but sent to hell just like any other sinner, and suffers like any other sinner.
An outer darkness of weeping and gnashing of teeth
Everlasting destruction far away from the sight of the Lord's glory of Heaven
A place of torments, with a far-off view of Father Abraham and Lazarus in his bosom
Sorrows with snares of death
Never resting, be it day or night
Everlasting pain without hope or an end to the pain
You must push a boulder up a hill (I think this is just in the cartoons, but I'll still put it in)
A short list, but it covers the basics. Covering all that, this is what Hell's spokesman would say:
Hell! You're all welcome to come! You don't even have to do anything to get on the guest list! In fact, to get in, you just have to make sure you have fun when you're alive! When you go, prepare for the most thrilling skydive into the famous 'lake of lights'! I swear to you that the lake glows with such a passion that only an angry God could have the passion to create it. In fact, the light will be so 'bright', you'll die before you land. No worries there, though. I guarantee that you'll never die, EVER AGAIN! You could go through all the pain, I mean stimulation, that Hell can offer, but you'll never die! Death itself will snare you, but if you've already died on the way down, you can still never again die! For eternity! If you look up, you can even see Abraham and Lazarus. Who knows why they always hang out there (or why they're always together), but they are there to talk to if you want. In Hell you'll experience things that you never could experience when you were on Earth. Experience emotions strong enough to make a grown man cry! Is it happiness? Love? Never-ending torment? Joy? Laughter? How will you know, unless you go? But whatever happens, you won't be troubled by sleep ever again. Have narcolepsy? Sick of falling asleep and missing out on what you can do with your existence? Or do you just want to be able to do more with your self instead of having to sleep a whole third of the day? Well then, come to Hell! Never be held back by your body, especially sleeping, EVER AGAIN! Ask any one there, and they'll tell you that they haven't slept since they got there. Know Satan? He's just like you and me! Just another average guy, on vacation like anybody else! Think about it, all the cool people go to hell. Where's Marilyn Manson goin'? Where's Danzig goin'? Where is Kurt Cobain? HELL! Wanna have to hang out with those Christians at the airport for eternity? How about those loud assed preachers, televangelists, and Country-Western singers? They'll all be out of ear and out of sight in Heaven, while you can sit next to the warm lake of lights in Hell, rockin' out to Jimmi Hendrix, The Doors, and anyone else just waiting to go to Hell. It's ALL TRUE! Sick of sunburns? There's a 'magical' cloud that blocks the sun. But don't worry! The lake of fire, I mean lights, is bright enough to light up whatever you may need to see. Like your friends! Or the other people you've 'invited' to go to hell when you were alive! Want to beef up? There's a mountain/gym where you can work your legs and arms pushing an absolutely enormous boulder/oddly shaped dumbbell! And...wait for it...wait for it... Hell has NO CARBS OF ANY KIND! When you get there, don't be afraid of having to leave, either. The party never ends! People who go to Hell tend to stay there for...that's right...ETERNITY!
I wanted to mention that you have to sleep on a bed of maggots with a blanket of worms, but if you never sleep, what the hell do you need a bed for? And mentioning a free sauna was just too cliché.
User Reviews
Submitted by Metal_Immortal (user info) at 2004-11-27 15:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a toast eating bastard huh! You're a dork. Who gives a shit what Catholics say? Why do you have to whine like a damn sissy? Oooh, you're an atheist. Why don't you brag about how cool you are that you can criticize the Catholics. That's real hard.
Hey, dorky atheist, just quit whining. Then, you'd be a cool atheist. You're not cool unless I say so, pansy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-23 19:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty humorous - here's the only real difference
Heaven = God
Hell = No God
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2004-11-23 17:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-23 16:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We are all going there, according to Catholic dogma, (and i'm a Catholic).
So lets make it a big Uberparty in the bowels of the Earth.
Go Hell WOO.
-Davros
Submitted by DarkTemplarDM (user info) at 2004-11-23 16:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do I sign up?