I Brought Bambi's Head In For Show And Tell (1626 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LadyPlural (View user info) at 2004-11-23 20:21:23 EST
My father and I were canoeing on the only river that actually has anything approximating rapids in Florida. No, I can't remember which one (it might have been the Santa Fe river). So anyway, there we were on the river. Hunting season had started two days earlier, and the happy sounds of gunshots were echoing around us.
Idyllic, really.
Dad and I had just gotten to the start of the rapids, and since we were in a canoe, we had to portage it around them. We got out of the water about 40 feet from the rapids, and I saw a huge flock of vultures perched on a rock in midstream, about a yard from the start of the whitewater. The whole 'vultures-as-waterfowl' thing seemed a bit odd, but whatever. We continued along our merry way.
On our way back, and probably due to the change in perspective, I realized that the 'rock' was actually a dead deer. I suddenly Had A Bright Idea. My science teacher had offered up extra credit for anyone who brought in bones of some sort, and by gawd, I was going to get that extra credit.
Oh deer.
I somehow managed to convince Dad that I needed this credit for my grade, and so we set about making it so. My father, by the way, can be almost as crazed as I am. Leaping into the canoe, we paddled out to right above where the deer carcass (let's call her Bambi) was. All it took was one look/sniff at Bambi before we realized that she had been dead for at least two or so days. We also realized that there was no way to get Bambi into the canoe- the vultures had torn out her stomach to feast on her entrails, and she was rather large. I was briefly crushed- no extra credit for me. Dad, however, did not give up so easily. As luck(?) would have had it, he had a pocketknife in his pocket.
Oh yes.
"Why don't we just cut its head off and you can bring that in?" Dad asked me. I thought that was a grand idea, and told him so. Apparently needing no further invitation, Dad jumped out of the canoe and into the water. This sudden change in weight took me by suprise, and the canoe immediately tried to rush down the rapids. Happily for Dad, the water was pretty shallow where he landed, and so he had relatively good footing when the canoe (with me still in it) promptly hit him in the back. I say that this was a good thing because he kept his balance enough to not get knocked into the rapids. Instead, he merely fell face-first into Bambi's intestines.
Oops.
He caught the canoe in enough time to prevent it from going over the rapids, but from the expression on his face, I gathered that it was more to prevent the canoe from getting damaged than for anything else.
After washing the Bambi-chunks out of his face, Dad (who was a far better sport about it than I would have been) set to hacking away at her head. Half a hour later, we had what looked rather like the horse's head from "The Godfather." Well, it would have if said horse had a) been a deer, b) had its nose rather inelegantly shot off, and c) been floating in a river for a few days. Close enough.
Because of the smell, we immediately paddled as fast as we could back to where the car was parked. We wrapped Bambi's head in a garbage bag that was in the trunk of the car, and began the three-hour drive home. The bag, however, had a hole in it. Bambi leaked all over the trunk of the car. The ride home was very... smelly.
For some reason, my science teacher didn't approve of this method of procuring bones.
He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him.
He sent me to the guidance counselor.
I'm now in intensive counseling.
User Reviews
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bambi fulfilled its purpose in life.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, my science teacher didn't approve of this method of procuring bones.
He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him.
He sent me to the guidance counselor.
____________________
Beggars can't be choosers. He's such a puss.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-04 23:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bambi! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say? Decomposing animals
would be at least a +1 under any circumstances,
but with the paternal face-plant that bumps it
up to at least a +2, if not higher.
Did you at least get to keep the head?
You know... for a Halloween mask?
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-23 02:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, my science teacher didn't approve of this method of procuring bones.
He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him.
____________________________________
I cracked up at that. Great tension-releasing laugh.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-12-07 23:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
swet
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this was alright.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stroke, not dead, darling. I'm still marginally capable.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, fuck me- sorry for spelling your username wrong.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Serelena, what I said to AshK applies to you as well. I *will* kick your ass if you become unable to post at least once in a while. HEAR MY ROAR!
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:34:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my. I believe I just had a strokefrom laughing. Wow.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him."
Please have my baby.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha. Good stuff. What sort of prize do I get? How about a pet? Like, I don't know... A deer?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll live to post another day. You won't be forced to abuse my corpse.
You get the prize for using the word inelegantly in an intelligent manner.
Woo!
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, don't choke there. I like your writing, and I'd have to kick your ass if you died and didn't keep on posting.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rather like the horse's head from "The Godfather." Well, it would have if said horse had a) been a deer, b) had its nose rather inelegantly shot off, and c) been floating in a river for a few days. Close enough.
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
gasp
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA'
snort gasp cough
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahahahahahahahahaa
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock. Relentlessly and without mercy, you rock my face off.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw that. I thought that I rate it, but it appears as though I didn't.
Deliverance? I'm disturbed.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 18:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah,
You might like the Story I posted Thursday.
It's related to the Necro series.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How the hell did I miss this?
Nature and Vultures and Decapitation.
It's like "Deliverance" minus the buggery and you and your father played all the parts.
Good Show!!!
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-25 19:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-24 16:24:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
"He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him."
YES
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-25 19:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you in the mouth?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:31:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are an interesting lady.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2004-11-24 16:18:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not a deer, your a fucking extra credit project, now get in the canoe.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don't know why, but that comment made me laugh hysterically.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-24 16:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him."
YES
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2004-11-24 16:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not a deer, your a fucking extra credit project, now get in the canoe.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-24 16:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Urg.
You have one crazy-sounding dad.
Good for you!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-24 15:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the feedback, guys.
Yeah, Feijuada, the conversation definitely would have gone like that.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-24 14:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-24 13:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should have a hat on it with the teacher's favorite team logo.
that may have impressed him.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit that's funny!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd -2 this if I were a mean spirited person...
Wait... I am mean spirited, but I'll give it +2, anyway...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd -2 this if I were a mean spirited person...
Wait... I am mean spirited, but I'll give it +2, anyway...
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bambi: "hello, LadyPlural, how are you?"
LadyPlural: "Oh, I'm fine, Bambi. Why don't you tell the class about how me met?"
Bambi: "I got shot, and then you and your father found my corpse in the river and your dad cut my head off!"
LadyPlural: "YAY!"
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are an interesting lady.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-11-24 08:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And another because I'm brain dead.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-11-24 08:47:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have sworn I had rated this already.
Well +2 because it was awesome.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-24 08:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nasty. +2
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-11-24 07:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-24 06:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb.
Disturbing, but superb.
-Davros
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-24 05:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. just brilliant
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-23 23:55:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"he merely fell face-first into Bambi's intestines."
What a great visual.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bambi head...yummy
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Animal heads. Nature's favourite acronym...
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't decide which is better:
-- Instead, he merely fell face-first into Bambi's intestines.
-- He also didn't like it when I made Bambi 'talk' to him.
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes yes good show
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:37:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i would give you a +2 with a good picture
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I peed a little too. But when you wear rubber pants all the time, you pee a little every 5 minutes.
DAMN i love these pants.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woo!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fewl.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love your work i even peed a little.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nastiest thing ever, but quite funny.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The scary bit is that except for the very last bit with the teacher, this is a true story.
Submitted by Jack_Laridian (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the mental picture. Thanks.
Submitted by Trouble514 (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao you made it talk?
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being the attention whore I am, I would have kissed/made out with it.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:36:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have yet to fail to amuse me, LadyPlural, and I am one who isn't easily amused. Good job.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My kind of post
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
VERY amusing.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-23 20:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Imagining you making Bambi's head "talk" in front of the whole class is sufficiently spiffy.