Untitled. Unedited. Unthoughtout. (1034 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by lessthanfour <ossum.at.ossum.dot.net> (View user info) at 2004-11-23 21:18:30 EST
I never wanted to write a novel. Be a fireman, maybe.. Policeman, sure. But an author? As the English teachers I've left behind in my 14 year school career can tell you, I hate writing. Every word a chore, each sentence pulling teeth. They'd always tell me I was so clever and so smart, it would be a shame to not share it with the world. They couldn't see how I hated the structure, hated the confinment, hated the rules. I dreaded sitting down to write an assignment, a brilliant 1000 word essay in my head, and somehow finding a way to force it into their little haiku world. But here I am, sitting down and typing this. Funny how things turn out sometimes.
You see, there's not much else left for me to do. I've loved and been in love. I've saved a life and had my life saved. I've written a song and planted a tree. I've made someone else smile. All that's left is to get out these thoughts and hope the last one to leave turns out the lights.
Because, you see, I'm quite clearly crazy. I've been teetering on the edge for about five years and desperately hoping that nobody would notice. Or that anybody would. Life is tough enough without going through it feeling like a clothesline pulled too tautly in the backyard, weighed down by sopping wet bathtowels. The more I tried to hide it, the more I wished somebody would find me out so I wouldn't have to pretend anymore.. So I could relax and just breathe.
Breathing is nice. It's about the only thing I've got going for me anymore. I like it. No one teaches you how to breathe, right? You're just in your mother's womb and you're not breathing, and then all of a sudden you're shivering and blind and crying and pissed off and breathing. It's like the best kind of magic, the kind that really stops existing when you turn eight and find out that there is no Santa Claus and the damn rabbit was in the hat the whole time. What I'm trying to say is: no one teaches you how to breathe, you just know how to do it. Just about everything else, every thought you've ever had, every opinion you've formed, every piece of knowledge stuck in that worthless brain of yours comes from someone else. So breathing I like. It's mine. Sure, you breathe, and I wouldn't stop you if I could.. but I figured breathing out on my own and you can't take that away from me.
Speaking of wombs, I had the misfortune of coming out of Lorena's. I refuse to call her "mom" or "ma" or even "m". I would possibly concede "mother", because I'm not quite that much of a dick, but "mother" implies so much closeness and nurturing that never happened. Lorena apparently took her mothering cues from a national geographic episode on snakes--my siblings and I burst forth from her gaping twat into the doctor's hands and right out of her life. I sometimes wonder why she bothered going to the hospital at all; surely squatting in a back alley would have sufficed.
Needless to say, Lorena and I aren't close.
I'm not really bitter about it, and I don't blame her for my current situation. I mean, she was young and unmarried, and in today's society, everybody's a victim. Her parents didn't raise her right, her teachers failed her, her friends coerced her. It's not her fault--she was a poor high school senior all preggers and scandalous. Of course the father didn't want any part of it, either. Poor Lorena. Too bad it wasn't the 1950s--she could've been sent away to her Aunt's in Utica and returned 9 months later with her new "little brother". Ahh, if only.
I'm not bitter.
I mean, just because I'd kill her if I could get away with it doesn't mean I'm bitter. Right?
Right.
And just because did kill her, and God was it sweet, that doesn't make me crazy, right? Well, maybe it does. But I'm the victim here. No mother, no father, dumped in foster home after foster home (with the scars on my chest to prove it). No one would blame me, right?
Well, judging from my current address, not so right. In fact, one might say "wrong".
I'm tired, and they're about to turn out the lights. I might continue this tomorrow, if the pills leave me enough of myself to even bother. If I don't wet the bed again and get thrown into solitary. But maybe I deserve to be in there.
Because, you see, I am quite clearly crazy.
---
This is basically stream of consciousness.. I sat down with the opening line in my head and the rest just kind of came out. Should this be continued?
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-29 15:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was really good.
Thanks for Rad and Davros for recommending it. Off to parts two and three.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i loved this.
i think your mother is my mothers long lost sister.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-29 05:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As recommended by Davros
-Rad
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-12-10 14:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A day in solitary would be an awesome experience, me being alone for a whole day with the greatest person ever; ME! You may proceed with your rants.
Submitted by jenngd9 (user info) at 2004-12-05 23:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AND gOD SAID, "Let there be light". And then there was light...and suddenly all of creation was illuminated. Then god said, "Maybe I'll just leave a little darnkess here and there."
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's part two: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52920
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-24 06:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. I really liked it.
Very good stuff.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-24 06:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More is good.
-Davros
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2004-11-24 05:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very...wow. I'd like to see it continued too
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-11-23 23:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dizzy: Glad you like the little flippant madness. I'm world renowned for my flippant madness. Did I spell renowned right? I think a K should be in there. Oh well, me bad at words.
Nomad: No, I don't know who you're talking about. But thanks for the interesting comment.
Everyone else: Thanks for reading and for the comments (even the ridiculous one about emo, it made me smirk).
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting.
I'd say continue.
Submitted by Nomad (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I wasn't talking about your mother. You know who I was talking about.
Submitted by Nomad (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm here to say something about your life, because my life is about to go. I'm here to give you something before I drop from the earth, like drops of tears from your cheeks.
Because I am due. It is my time.
I am welcomed to this life.
Love, yet not loving, yet loving, needing, yet not needing, because she is here.
And she is gone? Wha-
No. No.
If I can do one thing before I leave, for I am leaving, probably tonight, for a drastic change of my life, I must say this:
The pain you feel is like the pain you feel when your father brings out that paddle. Or that fist - whatever. The pain of being hurt, when you didn't mean it, you didn't want to do it.
But my friend, simply say one more thing to her. And do this in person.
Don't do this to get her back. You need to let her go, or else she becomes you.
Say you love her, truly. Cmon, you know what to say. And then say goodbye. Make sure she knows. Make sure she knows that you regret it. That she knows you suffer. And that she knows you still love.
You will not get her back. But you can find peace.
Let it out. Without motive, without defense. Let it out.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:27:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, its like peanuts you cant just eat one. Give us some more.
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What is the name of your EMO band?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was amusing in a dark way.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed reading that.
hope shit gets better for you
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by dizzyupthegirl (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is... awesome. Very Holden in 'Catcher in the Rye' feel to it. Except, with that little extra flippant madness that appeals to me so much. Despite a few editing slips that come from being "unedited" (i like that its so raw tho..) .. definitely keep this up!
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Please continue.
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually like it a lot. You should continue.