Unlife in the Suburbs: Part 2 (831 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (View user info) at 2004-11-24 00:30:29 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52429
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I push a strand of my auburn hair back behind my ear as Laszlo flops onto the sofa beside me, pointing an open box of Girl Scout cookies in my direction.
"Iced Berry Piñata?" He offers.
"No thanks, I'm still full." With much effort I turn at look at the pale, bloodless (former) girl scouts stacked by the fridge - next to our recycling. My stomach gurgles. "I can't believe I drank a whole one." No sooner have I uttered the words, than a belch - the likes of which only centuries of practice can muster - issues forth from my diminutive frame. Loud and sonorous, thick with the sweet aroma of young blood and Mint Thins, it is truly something no mortal will ever attain. I grin proudly. Laszlo looks at me with a mixture of disgust and admiration in his eyes.
"You know, that isn't a very ladylike way to behave."
"Laz, we just drank the blood from a pair of girl scouts. After, might I add, you abducted them, rendered them unconscious and stole no less than nineteen boxes of cookies from them. I hardly think now is the time to concern ourselves with proper etiquette."
He munches thoughtfully on his cookie, cinnamon crumbs accumulating in his moustache.
"I suppose you are right." He nods to the television. "What are we watching?"
"Queen of the Damned. It's the sequel to Interview with a Vampire."
"How is it?"
"Utter bullshit. Together Anne Rice, Michael Rymer and the illustrious people at Warner Brothers Studios have fucked with our public image in the way that only Hollywood can."
"What is so bad about it?"
"Laszlo, you have supernatural hearing. Like myself, your senses are advanced in a way that only centuries of vampirism can advance them. Can you not hear that music?" I point to the screen where Stuart Townsend is wailing like an emasculated feline. "That is the kind of music vampires like, apparently. We are no longer ageless creatures of the night, but a bunch of angsty teenagers who hate their parents."
"Oh."
His disinterested answer works me up even more.
"Not to mention the fact that these people have done their best to reduce our speed and grace of movement to something like stop-motion animation with typically banal sound effects." My voice rises, and I can feel my eyes beginning to glow slightly as I continue. "Anne Rice's idea of passing on vampirism is completely wrong, her aged and powerful vampires are utterly defenseless against sunlight and, according to her, all vampires are descendants of a king and queen from ancient Mesopotamia. I mean, fuck. If any of the Ancient Ones saw this tripe, Hollywood would be consumed by a curtain of everlasting darkness within days." I muse over this. "Let's hope this happens before they can release a sequel to Underworld."
Ever stoic in the face of my frustrations, Laszlo smiles calmly and turns to me.
"It is merely human fiction, Dani. What did you expect? These people ritually lie about their own history. Do you think they would take the time and effort to get ours correct? For the most part we are naught but fiction to them anyway. What you are watching is neither a documentary or critique of vampires, but human entertainment." He tousles my hair and puts a muscular arm around me. "I know that life here is getting you down, but we shall regain possession of our old abbey, heirlooms and all. Before you know it we will be snatching German hitchhikers from the side of the D5 and devouring them in the moonlit pastures by the roadside."
I snuggle into his barrel-like chest.
"I haven't had a German in ages." I sigh. Adaptable and worldly-wise as we are, I still feel a strong attachment to our old home, the abandoned abbey, hidden in the forests of Tachov. The suburban sprawl we are living in now is no place for our kind. Nosy neighbors, prying eyes, avoiding invitations to weekend barbeques lest our discomfort in sunlight draw more attention to us. The longer I spend here, the more powerful my yearning to return to the abbey grows.
I sense Laszlo is lost in similar thoughts. While the human mind is an open book, to be read, edited and added to at will, the mind of a vampire is usually a total unknown, even to their most powerful kin. I can only surmise that our lengthy companionship has given rise to my attunement to his feelings, and his to mine. There is more than nostalgia and a longing to return home in his thoughts though. Something else I can't quite place is swirling around inside him.
"We'll get it back, Danika. Just you wait and see." The corners of his mouth turn up, and I see a brief spark in his ice-blue eyes, that spark is rarely the harbinger of peace, quiet and relaxation.
"Saints preserve us," I mutter. "You're plotting something."
User Reviews
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-01-21 00:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-19 00:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. Couldn't agree more with the statement about the shitty music in QOTD.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. I liked the way you roughly outlined the abilities of "your" vampires by criticising the silliness and differences in Queen of the Damned. Which was Queen of the Crap, if you ask me.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-12-07 10:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly horrible movie...Truly great post.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-02 16:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the undead.
They get so much done in a day.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-29 09:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-27 19:45:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-27 10:20:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd suck the blood out of you any day.
Did I say blood? I meant piss.
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Wow, that's my first offer to have bodily fluid sucked outta me. I feel like a real part of Uber now.
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Oh don't mind me, I'm just passing through. I don't really count as an Uberer.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-28 22:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Again.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-27 19:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-27 10:20:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd suck the blood out of you any day.
Did I say blood? I meant piss.
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Wow, that's my first offer to have bodily fluid sucked outta me. I feel like a real part of Uber now.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-27 10:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd suck the blood out of you any day.
Did I say blood? I meant piss.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-26 23:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 06:58:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
that film sucks farr too much ass
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I was bitterly disappointed by it as well, I couldn't resist the chance to trash it a little bit...
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 06:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that film sucks farr too much ass
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-25 08:24:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR! GET OUT OF THERE, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!e!
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THAT'S what I should've written! A vampire soap opera! "The Blood and the Beautiful"... or something....
Submitted by Scarlett13 (user info) at 2004-11-25 08:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-25 08:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR! GET OUT OF THERE, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!e!
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-25 07:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries. I think part of the problem is I am trying to write first-person through a female character, which is something I don't do much. You'll all have to forgive me for some minor gender confusion....
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-25 06:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ID - thanks. For some reason I had em pegged as a guy and then couldn't change the image to a chick. Needed confirmation!
Thanks. :P
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Next one now, please.
Seriously.
I can't wait.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-24 08:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a great storytelling voice, so the plot building chapters aren't wasted. It is only when someone without that voice attempts a "slow" piece in a series, that folks loose interest.
I am looking forward to more of this series!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-24 05:41:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More good stuff.
Keep them coming.
The length is just about right in my opinion. Don't worry too much about having a "slow" chapter as long as it is building towards something people will read it.
-Davros
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-24 03:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cole, ID is fine - saves a helluva lot of typing.
The main character, Danika, is female. You are correct.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-24 03:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah..ID? (Can I call you ID?) Maybe I'm a complete idiot, but I'm assuming the main character is female..correct?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-24 01:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-24 01:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tigre - I know it was a bit blunt, but I wanted that little section where Danika reminds him of his abilities to come off as somewhat of an admonishment - not merely a convenient way for me to reveal a bit of plot.
That said, constructive criticism noted, and assimilated. Thanks.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-24 00:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-24 00:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A. Keep it up, this has some real potential.
One word of advice though; If they've lived for centuries together, chances are they aren't going to remind each other of their abilities or habits. I'd recommend going about getting that information off in a bit more suttle way.
*Shocker*
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-24 00:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. The first one was hysterical. This one opens the door to something far deeper. I'm really liking what you're doing here.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-24 00:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well look at that, work was nice enough to give me the spare time to write a second installment! Admittedly, this one is pretty low on action, but I am trying to set up the plot without writing unreadably long chapters. If this annoys you, let me know (if enough people are irritated by this format, I can probably change it). But for now, each part shall be short and sweet - like a chocolate-coated midget.