It Happened on Ubersite - Mike's Perspecive (1702 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.57 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2004-11-25 17:13:57 EST
CookieLass's original is at http://www.ubersite.com/m/52673
It was a cold night. Wind billowed around the Glaswegian tenements like angel's wings, flying past muggings and sleeping bums, crashing against the walls of my student hovel in a dismal hum. I smiled contentedly, sipped some of my coffee and settled into my chair. Warmth, coffee and Ubersite. It was like a match made in heaven, or at least in one of those 'adult meeting' websites that I keep finding in my inbox. I was a happy Mike. In fact, I was more than a happy Mike. I was an utterly contented Mike.
Until, of course, I realised that I had an essay to write. A leviathan of an essay, on Scottish military tactics during the Wars of Independence. I panicked. I screamed. I spilt coffee on my crotch. So, after bulging a wad of toilet roll down my pants to prevent seepage (and leaving it there because it looked like I had a massive dong. Heehee.), I logged on to Ubersite, ruminating on my essay conundrum. Who can help me? Google is out of the question, damn teachers print the stuff off, so they can tell who cheats. Thehun.net is out of the question, because... hang on a minute.
Five minutes later, having replaced the toilet roll, I resumed my search. Uber? Nahh, Uber can't help me. Can it? I looked on my latest post, viewing a message from a nice-sounding girl called CookieLass. She offered to help me with my schoolwork. Like a child accepting candy from a stranger, I emailed her. I trembled with anticipation.
Wow. This girl is great! Not only does she know about the formative years of my country, she also knows how to... uhh, is she trying to... Never mind.
So onwards I plodded with the essay. CookieLass's hints were serving me well. I had an English essay I was supposed to write too, but it was common knowledge that the head lecturer was gay- a few suggestive pouts and a smile and the extension was mine. Anyway, I digress. The essay eventually sneaked past 1500 words and I fell asleep on my desk. As per usual, I woke up on the floor with my cock in my hand. I can't remember the exact sequence of events, but it had something to do with inspecting captain spank for coffee damage and thinking about the hot chick from Mallrats. I stumbled onto my computer and started talking to Cookie again.
It started as a simple mutual fascination in William Wallace... and it ended up as the stuff of cheap pornos. She kept on talking about her want to replace the bitter cynicism of the men in her life with the naive optimism of an 18 year old virginal Scotsman, with green eyes and long eyelashes. I talked about my want to replace The Hun in my life with something approaching a real woman. She talked about her now-ex throwing up on her dog. I talked about my love of the Evil Dead films. And thus, it went back and forth, like a linguistic tennis match, our conversation becoming more and more debased as the nights wore on. Eventually The Hun was relegated to a passing amusement. Even the gay (and by now, flirty) head lecturer was no longer the top entertainment he once was. All my sexual worlds faded into a whole, mixed together, and formed themselves into a great visage. And thus, Mike saw the meaning of his life. And it was CookieLass.
The marriage is in April- Davros has first dibs on the bridesmaids.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I f Davros has dibs on the bridesmaids then Ive dibs on someones mum! Hey, it has to be done eh?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don.... I will kill you.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man, this level of camwhorage is just ASKING to be in UberDirectory....
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:05:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aye, TTOM, i'm a veritable goldmine of useless film knowledge. Still shite at pool though.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She talked about her now-ex throwing up on her dog. I talked about my love of the Evil Dead films.
I never realised you were so deep Mike
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-28 14:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-26 17:42:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I'm legal for the 25-and-under crowd. I think that should count for something. I'm really not such a whore-bitch. I was slightly inebriated when I wrote the first comments. That is my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. Alas.
You have my sincerest apologies.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I accept this situation, even though I am not one of the " 25-and-under crowd ".
One illegal bridesmaid isn't gonna kill me, although it might if ............ never mind.
-Davros
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-26 17:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I'm legal for the 25-and-under crowd. I think that should count for something. I'm really not such a whore-bitch. I was slightly inebriated when I wrote the first comments. That is my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. Alas.
You have my sincerest apologies.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll relay that information to your gitlfriend, Davros :-P
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nerds.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:51:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Psssh. Wimp. Alright, I'll stop... But only if I get to be a bridesmaid. I promise not to make rude comments at the wedding. I also promise not to seduce the groom.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thoroughly unconcerned with your attempts to seduce the groom. And I've promised Davros that all bridesmaids will be legal for his ravishing pleasure. You ain't legal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
She is Legal in the UK.
That is good enough for me.
-Davros
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Psssh. Wimp. Alright, I'll stop... But only if I get to be a bridesmaid. I promise not to make rude comments at the wedding. I also promise not to seduce the groom.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thoroughly unconcerned with your attempts to seduce the groom. And I've promised Davros that all bridesmaids will be legal for his ravishing pleasure. You ain't legal.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*To Davros' girlfriend* You can have dibs on the groosmen. I'll make sure my younger brother is one of them. I hear tell that he's hot.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also like the direction, be sure to request a video camera as one of your wedding gifts.
Oh and I also liked this....
" Davros has first dibs on the bridesmaids"
Go Bridesmaids WOO
(Praying to god my girlfriend doesn't read this thread)
-Davros
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the direction this conversation is starting to take!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oi, watch that, Stin... I'm visiting Scottish in February at some point. I might take you up on it.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cookie darling, you can cover me in icing and eat me anytime.
Did I really just say that?
Um, yes. Yes, I did.
Oh well.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aye, Stin... or, you know, we could always make you the TABLE for the cake....
Ooh! Or make you the cake! Cover you in frosting? lay you on the table to be eaten? *suggestive wink* I'm a goddamned genius....
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 08:37:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stin, you ca be a bridesmaid if you want.... but we've promised first dibs on ravishing all bridesmaids to Davros. We play high-stakes wedding party here....
____________________________
Given the choice, I'm sure Davros would rather ravish the groom than me (and yes, I know he's straight!).
But just in case can I be the official cake-watcher?
I'll make sure nobody makes off with it...
... by eating it all.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Psssh. Wimp. Alright, I'll stop... But only if I get to be a bridesmaid. I promise not to make rude comments at the wedding. I also promise not to seduce the groom.
See how nice I can be?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-25 20:41:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
And the frenchies would probably lead the world if you hadn't interfere with this Nelson or Wellington and other overrated military figures. Can you imagine a world in french? I'm getting wet here. Everyone would live by the "joie de vivre" philosophy and maybe the world wouldn't be such a strict and boring place as anglos like it to be. It would've been a fantastic new Renaissance.
I guess what I'm saying is...thanks for ruining it all ASSHOLES! """"
AHAHAHAHAH -sheer brilliance!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-26 09:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woot... go Mike!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-26 08:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that porn movies have started out this way.
but then again so have horror flicks
oh and don't let this bother you: http://www.ubersite.com/m/49286
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 08:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stin, you ca be a bridesmaid if you want.... but we've promised first dibs on ravishing all bridesmaids to Davros. We play high-stakes wedding party here....
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 06:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scottish Military Tactics?
Me Smelleth an Oxymoron Most Vile.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-26 05:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO!
Go Mike & Cookie!
Can I be a page boy? Please, can I, can I?!
Oh. I'm a girl.
Whoops.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-25 23:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm. yes. The novelty has worn off that now, Plural. You can quit.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-25 22:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah well, i'm not going to complain about two women lusting after me. I've got to say, LadyPlural, your hair scares me. If you made a move on me, chances are that i'd run to the protective bosom of CookieLass. Cookie has exclusive rights on my deflowering, anyway!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-25 22:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nonono, I *DO* think of your virginity as a sort of a "Haha, FAG"-inducing state of being. I am, however, more than willing to assist you in remedying this situation.
Plus, I live closer to you. Over 500 miles closer, at least.
CookieOldWomanTryingToRecaptureHerLostYouthAndFailingMiserably-
Dirty? Yes. Old? Most assuredly. Woman? Well, I think you're being a *bit* too harsh on yourself. But I suppose you'd be the best judge, after all.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-25 21:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-25 21:32:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha... Lady... stop trying to horn in on my action. That's MY virgin.
I still think I came off looking like a dirty old woman.
-----------
No you don't!
I like it how woman use male virginity like a compliment, whereas every time a bloke brings it up, it's more like 'hahaha, fag'. Ach well!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-25 21:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha... Lady... stop trying to horn in on my action. That's MY virgin.
I still think I came off looking like a dirty old woman.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-25 21:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd do both of ya...
in the collective pooper.
Oh, and when you get tired of that dried-up old hag, come and talk to me. I'm 17, and I'm sure I have nicer... ummm... hair than her.
Oh, what am I saying- CookieLass (if that IS your real name) kicks my ass in looks. Can I just join the two of you once in a while? I don't wet the bed.
Much.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-25 20:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And the frenchies would probably lead the world if you hadn't interfere with this Nelson or Wellington and other overrated military figures. Can you imagine a world in french? I'm getting wet here. Everyone would live by the "joie de vivre" philosophy and maybe the world wouldn't be such a strict and boring place as anglos like it to be. It would've been a fantastic new Renaissance.
I guess what I'm saying is...thanks for ruining it all ASSHOLES!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-25 20:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny that you mention collaborators since it's pretty much what Tony Blair, Prime Minster of Retards Island, is doing right now. How does it feel to surrender your sovereinty to a colony who kicked your ass 200 years ago?
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-25 19:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-25 17:26:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Automatic +2 for Evil Dead reference.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-25 19:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooh yeah! an uber wedding!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-25 19:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
She'll use you. Use you up and spit you out. Or she'll swallow. Either way, you come out on top. Or underneath. Or inside. Post pictures. And sound - Texans are loud (so I heard).
Innuendo reserves exhausted. I feel dirty. Good luck.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-25 19:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:03:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
english (<- french vikings) tactics consisted of remaining cowardly on their island, wait for the people on the continent to kick the shit out of each other, join the winning side and claim victory. """"
Just like in WW1 AND 222 eh caul?
How many times do we have to save the frenchies arses?
Can anyone say COLLABORATE?
Vichy dog!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OOH you got it BAD. Good luck with that, Studley! I'm sure you'll make nice drunken Irish kids one day (YES I know you're Scottish... so what?).
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-25 18:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
english (<- french vikings) tactics consisted of remaining cowardly on their island, wait for the people on the continent to kick the shit out of each other, join the winning side and claim victory.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-25 17:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Scottish military tactics during the Wars of Independence"""
That can't be much of an essay to do. Here :
Scottish military tactics during the war of 'independance' consisted of shouting loudly, getting drunk and running away when the real soldiers came.
Not unlike a friday night in Glasgow.
The End.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-25 17:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Automatic +2 for Evil Dead reference.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-25 17:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You guys are gonna do it.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-25 17:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AAAAARRRGGHHH!
Don't you just hate it when you make a Godawful spelling mistake in your title? I suck, Uber. Sorry.