Being Quizno's' Bitch (part III) (5250 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.53 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jo of the Golden P <lindserella_0918.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-25 20:01:51 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52531 - Part I
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52601 - Part II
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Food Prep
During my time at Quizno's, I peeled, chopped and sliced approximately two metric fuckloads of vegetables. If you ate at my Quizno's, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you also ate a fair bit of my skin. And possibly some latex. Unless you get off on that, in which case you should be caged and put on display for the cannibalistic freaky sexperv you are. (I'm looking at you, Fetish ;)
If I could be serious for a moment, though. If you go to Quizno's, for the love of God, DO NOT get tomatoes on your sub. The other vegetables are generally fine, but we keep the tomatoes until they start talking to us. They grow a white mold and begin to look like the shrunken heads of angry, red-faced old men. Sometimes I would slice one open and black goo would ooze all over my cutting board. Kal told me to just cut away the black part and use the remainder. BLACK! Tomatoes should not be black, friends. I'm trying to preserve your health here.
Work
Look how long it took me to get to this section. That reflects how high 'work' is on the priority list of your average Quizno's employee. We are about as motivated as a depressed sloth on Valium. That's true of most jobs, come to think of it. Work sucks.
I've already mentioned that I did assloads of vegetable slicing. Other than that, I washed dishes. In SOAPY water. The pads of my fingers looked like old vaginas. I also restocked the chip racks and drink cooler. Actually, that was one of the shittiest jobs, because you had to climb up a less-than-surefooted ladder, maneuver boxes wider than J. Lo's ass down said ladder, and not fall onto the conveniently placed knife rack below. Then the chips had to be ordered by expiration date on the racks. The midget got out of this job by being a midget. Kal would tell me to get the ladder, and I'd stare blankly at her until she did it herself and let me get back to reading "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
Asshole teenagers come to Quizno's for lunch and tell us their orders are "for here". Because 200 of them swarm us like retarded locusts in the first 12 minutes after 11:45am, and we can only accommodate about 35 people comfortably, most of them take their food and eat outside. And because this is Canada, they bitch at me about not having enough seats and how it's too cold outside. Because that's my fault, of course. I work in a fucking oven washing dishes for minimum wage, but I control whether or not we expand.
Sauce
Quizno's sauces, the ones we squeeze onto your sandwiches in those handy little ketchup-bottle-like...uh...bottles, do not come like that. They come in 10-litre buckets (about 2.5 gallons). We have to transfer the sauces from bucket to bottle on a daily basis. With a spoon.
Spoon.
Yes, one spoonful at a time. This would be the third time I had seen Mr. Gill. He came in for a sub and we were out of Ranch dressing. He had me get out the Ranch dressing bucket and handed me the bottle and a plastic spoon. After a moment of confused silence, my shoulders began to shake. My eyes started to water. Before Mr. Gill could say anything, I was shrieking with laughter like a stoned hyena. There was no cunting way I was going to degrade myself to transferring Ranch dressing with a spoon. Even I have standards.
Stop laughing! I do!
Alright, I don't. Before I knew it, I found myself up to my elbows in sauce 40 minutes a day, while Kal tried to pretend she was sniggering at something a customer had said. Guess whose job the sauces had been before me?
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I might do more of these in the future, if I get some motivation, but this is it for now.
For your fun and edification, I present:
User Reviews
Submitted by Arm_The_Homeless (user info) at 2004-12-17 19:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were a drug, I would take inordinate quantities of you. I want this whole story tattooed on my person somewhere.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 20:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Show
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-29 16:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we keep the tomatoes until they start talking to us. They grow a white mold and begin to look like the shrunken heads of angry, red-faced old men.
Beautiful.
NSFW would be nice for the future.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-29 16:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Works sucks.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-27 01:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm thinking about getting a job at Subway.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Enough already...this series should be suspended now due to low ratings.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"During my time at Quizno's, I peeled, chopped and sliced approximately two metric fuckloads of vegetables."
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
which one is you
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This one seemed a little forced for some reason.
Although there was enough in there to make me smile.
Hence +1
-Davros
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-26 07:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
NSFW might have been nice.
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I don't think these pictures are safe for anywhere.
Liked the stories though. This +2 goes out to the series. I'm too lazy to give two of the +1s and another one a 0.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-26 07:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
NSFW might have been nice.
I can't put my finger on why I didn't really like this, it was well written but just didn't grab me.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 06:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! FUN!
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2004-11-26 01:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh, goodie, another one, I love these!
I'm gonna start plugging Quizno's in all my posts now!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-26 00:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, my ass looks a bit larger than normal in that pic.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-25 23:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, come on, Fetish, I was being facetious. You know I love you.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-25 21:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 I'm looking at you, Fetish
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-25 21:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahaha! Dancing midgets!! Where do you buy them?!!
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-11-25 20:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2004-11-25 20:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The pads of my fingers looked like old vaginas"
yes
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-25 20:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HUmor, fat ladies, and midgets with mullets...
MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!!