Still a Psycho: Chess Prodigies (1062 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.48 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-26 09:46:01 EST
A while ago, I wrote this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/43278
It was simultaneously a condemnation of stupid parents who think their children are brilliant, and a resigned acceptance of my decision to join their ranks.
Since then, I've really progressed. I am now firmly convinced that my children are, in fact, geniuses. To prove it, I've written a transcript of the twins' chess match today.
____________________
The contestants eye each other across the table. At eighteen months of age, they've both been playing the game at this level for five minutes; they're both primed. They're ready. Evenly matched, they both know that this is the match that will decide, once for all, who has supremacy here.
Gen is ready to make her first move. With the kind of single minded focus the masters of chess can only envy, she brings her clenched fist down on the board, somewhere between the King and the pawns in front of him. Pieces scatter in a dazzling display of chaos theory.
Cadie is quick to react. It's as though this was the move she expected, and without taking her eyes off her opponent, she picks up a Bishop and puts it in her mouth. But this isn't the end of her move; no, this player is far too subtle for that. She spits the Bishop across the chess board at her sister and catches Gen between the eyes.
The tension is palpable. The players mutually agree to take a short break in order to chase the dog around the room.
The break is extended to allow Cadie to pin the dog to the floor and try to kiss it.
The break is further extended to allow both players to lie facedown on the floor and refuse to look at their mother, because they're punishing her for taking the dog away and putting it somewhere quiet to recover.
When the match reconvenes, the players come in fighting. The break has served to hone them for battle. Gen carefully, methodically, picks up pieces one by one and throws them at her sister. Queen, rook, pawn... she spares no rank, and no piece is exempt from the ferocity of her attack.
Cadie stops laughing long enough to overturn the chess board, fall on her bottom, and start crying.
Gen applauds this move, clapping her hands and chanting "Fall down! Fall down! Uh-oh! Boom! All gone!" This is her entire repertoire of words, apart from "mum" and "now", so you have to admire her enthusiasm.
Cadie crawls under the low table and bites Gen on the foot.
Match is called on account of nap time.
____________________________
I told you. Sheer genius. Is the world ready for magnificence on this level?
User Reviews
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this first time...
Excellent!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-12-06 00:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm wanking in the eyes of my neighbour's pets again.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-04 11:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Try to teach them to play poker when they get a little older.
Your sides will hurt from the laughter.
Submitted by bignasty (user info) at 2004-12-03 15:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i think you and your children are stupid. why people like you are allowed to
procreate is beyond me.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fecal matter.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-27 06:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dervel
We got all the shot glasses out of the cupboard and filled them with vodka. This is when we realised we only had 10 glasses so we decided to play with 5 pieces each. Trouble is they were all the same shape and colour.
I was whites so technicaly I won.
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Ha! funny...
This post was also plenty of awesome bundled together and splattered against the forum wall.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-11-27 06:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! Never have I been so grateful(and sad)that mine are almost grown.
Since genius is genetic I'll say that your 'lil darlings have DNA on their side.
Michelle
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-27 06:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-27 05:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's odd you should ask. Gen discovered the joy of crayons the other day and let her creative brilliance shine all over the living room wall. If you look at it sideways, and squint a bit, it's an almost exact representation of the Solar System.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Wow, you must have a HUGE house.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
hahahahaha
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-27 05:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's odd you should ask. Gen discovered the joy of crayons the other day and let her creative brilliance shine all over the living room wall. If you look at it sideways, and squint a bit, it's an almost exact representation of the Solar System.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Wow, you must have a HUGE house.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-26 23:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Judoka - It was a JOKE. I'm fully aware that biting your sister on the ankle isn't a sign of genius. If it was, I'd be the smartest person on the planet.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's because I have dealt with parents who think their child a genius.
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-11-26 20:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
children are best served as a dish, with a light sauce, and some breadsticks.
fuckers
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:12:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely gifted, tell me since genius like this just doesn't come along every day, are they also brilliant artists? It is a rare thing indeed to be able to use not only the left brain in this highly advanced way, but also show talent in right brained areas as well.
________________
It's odd you should ask. Gen discovered the joy of crayons the other day and let her creative brilliance shine all over the living room wall. If you look at it sideways, and squint a bit, it's an almost exact representation of the Solar System.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-26 18:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sheer genius
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great read, again.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great spin on the subject. Well done!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, Gabriel Schwartzman (that guy, who plays chess, and stuff), and indeed the rest of the world tremble before the might that is your offspring. I don't think that the world is ready for such brilliance.
Circe my love, I wrote something that was actually amusing. I shan't linkwhore it, because I know from the brilliance of your offspring that you will be able to view my user info and find it, but it is there, and it is funny. To me. Fuck it, I got nothing.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should be attaining Master status instead of cruising around Uber.
Oh well.
Good read.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure the world is ready for the magnificence that is your writing.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YES! A post about CHESS!
I was chess captain at school
Wait! I shouldnt admit that...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely gifted, tell me since genius like this just doesn't come along every day, are they also brilliant artists? It is a rare thing indeed to be able to use not only the left brain in this highly advanced way, but also show talent in right brained areas as well.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried coke playing chess. I kicked all kind of ass. I was a bit hotheaded about it though.
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart circe.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wooo! I would like to think my post inspired you to post. Yes, yes I am sure that is the case!
Wonderful post. My child is a genius too. I am, however, getting ready to verbally abuse him for fogetting to take the dog out. It is amazing such genius thrives under these circumstances.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dervel - Not dull at all. Drinking is always encouraged by anybody with children. It's how we get through the day, so I fully understand the attraction of using chess as an excuse to get shitfaced.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truely magnificent
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:14:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend and I played a game of chess whilst drunk the other day, it was inspired by a chess set made up of shot glasses he had seen earlier in the day.
We got all the shot glasses out of the cupboard and filled them with vodka. This is when we realised we only had 10 glasses so we decided to play with 5 pieces each. Trouble is they were all the same shape and colour.
I was whites so technicaly I won.
---
How dull, I have no idea why I shared that. I really should learn to shut the fuck up. Sorry.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
j'aime
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend and I played a game of chess whilst drunk the other day, it was inspired by a chess set made up of shot glasses he had seen earlier in the day.
We got all the shot glasses out of the cupboard and filled them with vodka. This is when we realised we only had 10 glasses so we decided to play with 5 pieces each. Trouble is they were all the same shape and colour.
I was whites so technicaly I won.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jeenius
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From one drunken Australian to another (australian, not necessarily drunked) im gonna plus 2 this then come back and rea dit sober, k? good its agrede
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-26 09:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-26 09:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm first!