Now Where's That Chihuahua Stir-Fry Recipe? (Or how a 200-pound man was brought low by a 2-pound rat-dog). (994 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: NonFiction
Rating: 2 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack11058 (View user info) at 2004-11-26 11:28:07 EST
My fiance has a dog. Well, a small dog-resembling animal called a Chihuahua. She has named it Chi Chi, which is Mexican for "small annoying piss-factory of the apocalypse". I agreed to watch Chi Chi this holiday while she and her folks are at Disney. So begins the horror. The wedding may be called off.
Chi Chi (who I will henceforth call Cheech because it doesn't look quite as ghey in print) is an exciteable little bitch. In fact, every time I come over she is so happy to see me she plants a nice little piss-puddle on the floor in ecstacy, then promptly wags her tail through it, spreading it in delightful little patterns across the tile. I love this dog.
Cheech is not toilet trained. Cheech has a waste-pad. It's an ingenious contraption consisting of a plastic mat about two feet square. It comes with a pack of removeable and replaceable liners that are disposable. Genius. If that littls rat bastard ever does her business on the mat, it's pure dumb fucking luck.
All weekend she's been tormenting me, leaving little messes here and there for me to uncover like early doggy Christmas gifts. She barks at nothing, sounding like a hopped-up Mariah Carey covering a DMX tune. She attacks my feet without reason, and most importantly, interferes with my beer drinking enjoyment of the Thanksgiving football games by repeatedly humping the remote control.
Slut.
Then this camel's back was broken by an excrement-soaked straw. I had just finished cleaning her latest territory claimer, and had gotten a little on my socks. I tossed them in the wash and went to kill some time by puttering around on the piano. I pulled out the bench and slid in.
Son. Of. A. Fucking. Bitch.
Please tell me that's not what I think it is squirting up between my toes. Yup. Cheech made her newest delivery of both types 1 and 2 directly under the piano bench.
Sweet Christ.
Both feet. How do I get to the bathroom without leaving a trail of shit and piss through the house? If that little Chihuahua fucker would just come a little closer I'd step on her and use her as a pair of slippers. My spittle-flecked invective must have frightened her away.
Resigned to my fate I hop on one foot (only one trail of shit-prints to clean up) to the sink to wash up. Then I spend the next half hour cleaning and the next hour in the shower. I come out steaming and refreshed.
I lure the bitch with a doggy treat. Securely tucked in my arms, I take her out on the back deck, which overlooks some tree-filled parkland from a height of about 20 feet, a veritable canine Everest.
I look deep into her eyes, saying good bye, and toss her over the edge. She goes majestically, ears flapping, yipping into the cold November air, disappeaing into the dark. I wait for the inevitable sound of impact....
....and am startled from my reverie by a wet little tounge licking my cheek. I stand at the railing of the deck, Cheech clasped to my chest. Oh what a fantasy. I look down at her and stare into her deep brown eyes. They look up at me lovingly. I sigh.
"Ok girl, go inside," I say, putting her down. She runs in immediately. I think she knows how close she came.
I stand at the railing for a moment, considering. I resolve to be nicer to the little piece of shit. It's what the fiance would like, certainly.
I turn inside, promptly stepping into Chi Chi's latest puddle of love.
===
Time to find this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/27221
PS. Not that anyone has noticed my absence, but I'm back. Finally have returned to DC from Korea. Nice to see all of you again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-28 00:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was wondering where you went. Welcome back
Submitted by The_Tequila_Kid (user info) at 2004-11-27 23:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Little dogs are fuckers, so is a hopped-up Mariah Carey. Props.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-27 23:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Update time.
Cheech and I are now getting along, thanks in large part to half a jar of smooth peanut butter.
What?
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2004-11-27 14:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, Chi Chi is spanish for "tits"...baby talk. Sweet post though.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-27 11:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The things that dogs make come out of their bodies... what will they think of next?
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-26 23:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-11-26 18:29:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
welcome back! (some of us noticed)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well sheeeit! i'm truly warmed from the cockles of my heart. yup! all the way from my cockles. seriously, thanks man.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-26 20:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My parents have a chihuahua/black lab, I shit you not...
First, it's as small as a Chi, but black, and it's as friendly as the dumbest lab.
Second, the chihuahua was the mom...
Think about THAT...
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-11-26 18:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
welcome back! (some of us noticed)
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-26 18:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is the human race inflicted with this dog?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51944
Sorry had to slip a hitwhore in hehehehe
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-26 17:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Die bitch!
the newest murder is up man. told you it wouldn't be too long. Although I've had to keep the interviews on hold for a while.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:19:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like one of these comedy movie couples. You know - the stuck-up wife, complete with small and annoying dog, and the whipped husband who can say nothing other than "Yes dear."
_+_+_
Yeah, we're exactly like that. Except it's wierder than that. I'm the army combat vet specializing in...well...stuff...and she's the professional opera singer. No lie. And she's not stuck up.
I've got to go. She's calling me. It's time for me to massage her feet.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a Chihuahua. I've actually got him trained to bark at the back door when he needs to go outside to do his business. He can also roll over. You'd think his gargantuan Dumbo/rat ears would get in the way, but they don't.
This story was great.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-26 13:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like one of these comedy movie couples. You know - the stuck-up wife, complete with small and annoying dog, and the whipped husband who can say nothing other than "Yes dear."
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed...a lot
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Class
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-11-26 12:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolute rubbish..
i jest
Submitted by Ex_Lux_Astrum (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You must be firm in your resolve. May I suggest using a tennis racket to launch the little piss-bag into the distant horizon.........
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my flatmates has a stupid fucking chihuahua. It's only made more obnoxious by the fact that she insists on dressing it up on a regular basis. Stupid faggy dog. I threaten to throw it off the balcony or flush it down the toilet on a daily basis. I'm so glad that I have a big huge dog. Dogs' weren't meant to be tiny past the age of puppy-hood.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd quote the funny parts but it was all pretty funny so..... +2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-26 11:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a toy poodle. You and my husband could form a strong bond, I suspect.