Breaking into the Movies (2023 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Isaac Bickerstaff <bickerstaf.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-26 14:03:12 EST
So listen, kid, truth be told, I was always the butchest guy in the ballet company. Seriously. That being said, I was also clearly the biggest queen on the football team. Strange how, in the locker room, "Back off, motherfucker, or I'll make you smell my tights" doesn't always come out like the Vin Diesel line you might have imagined in your head. But I majored in "Human Kinesthetics" for undergrad, and by 22 had 4 or 5 black belts to my name, depending on how you count em.
No lie now, I'm in Vegas like 8 years ago and I'm doing motion capture for a video game, which is how I made my living for a while. If you've played any PC or arcade games from the 90's, you have no doubt blown me up, dropped me off stuff, shot me, kicked me, exploded me with missiles, set me on fire, mutated me into lizard men, and stabbed me in the head, to name a few. So I'm in "the suit" right, which is what they call it when you're basically buck-ass naked with phosphorous little balls glued right to your skin, and I'm suspended from the ceiling in a two point harness cuz the game has some swimming in it and the only way to simulate swimming without ACTUALLY swimming is to string my naked ass up and do captures while I pretend to be dog paddling through the air. Not exactly how I pictured my career, but whatever. One of the game's producers fancied himself a Hollywood type and asked me if I would do a stunt for him in a low budget film he was making that summer. "Easy money, just a simple high fall, like 15 feet. Half a day, I'll give ya three hundred bucks..." Now I know it aint much, but I was tired and wearing spandex for fucks sake and this guy was literally talking up the crack of my ass and I thought, "fine, three hundred bucks, what could happen?" Likewise, it was THE MOVIES, and I wanted in.
So I show up on the set at like five in the morning cuz movie people feel the need to facilitate everyone's crystal addiction. We're out in the middle of the dry lake between Vegas and L.A. where every cheesy sci fi debacle has ever been shot and there is a façade of a building that goes up about 60 feet, with windows. At the top window, there is a platform on the other side of the façade that runs about, oh, 40 feet. The stunt director is a guy named "Kenny" who is like a hippy Ren Faire reject with a limp. (Note to future stunt guy wannabees: beware of stunt directors who fucking LIMP.) After introductions, he points to the platform waaaay the shit up there and says, "You'll run down that platform and come out the window..."
I interrupt: "Dude, that's like 60 feet, I thought it was a 15 foot fall..." Kenny doesn't even pause, "When you hit the window, make sure you spot your crash pad..."
Me: "What window? I go through a window? Like glass? I've never gone through a glass window..." He's on a roll, "cuz yer gonna wanna do a full header. When you hit the pad on the ground, we'll have like four guys there to put you out, and we can do another take if we need to."
"Whoah! Put me out? Put me out? What am I in?!" Now he's annoyed, "Didn't you know what you were gonna be doing? You're on FIRE, genius. They told me you were a pro, some badass from New York..." and he turns and walks disgustedly away. And that's how it happened, my brothers. With that simple act, this shaggy ass gimpy piece of rock and roll trash got me to go: "Lemme get my wraps."
Now I wanna try to convey to you, my people, that I am sooo not a badass, I can just PRETEND to be a badass better than most people. So what that translates into is: "15 foot highfall; no big. 60 foot high fall, through glass, on fucking FIRE, on a cheap ass non union hack fest that's two hours from the closest trauma unit and I'm having a coronary fucking incident. So I do what any intelligent aspiring artist would do, I call my manager. Now I use the term "manager" loosely because I was just out of school at the time and my manager was actually a guy I met while puking Bombay gin outside of "Wax" on the Lower East Side. JD was the guy who worked at the door and said to me much more kindly than you might imagine, "Yo, hurling bitch, go wax the floor down the street you little twink, you're making me sick over here." Two months later, my career was in his whiskey soaked hands. After I gave JD the scoop over the phone, he was actually pretty sensitive about the whole thing, "What're you, some kinda surfer pussy now? Grow a sack and go set yerself on fire, dickweed." Man, that's the kinda support only angels can give...
So two hours later, swear to God, I'm standing at the far end of the platform, wearing neoprine under pads under two layers of clothes and they're covering me with petroleum burn gel. Kenny and I have figured out the crash pad placement and he's up on the platform with me, clinging to the railing cuz that high up there's a pretty stiff breeze, and he's giving me a few pointers. "Coupla things you wanna remember when yer doing a burn..." Why do they have to call it a "burn?" Can't they call it something less frightening, like a "sparkle" or something? "Number one: make sure you hold yer breath. If you take a single hard breath, you can suck the flames down into yer lungs, and then yer pretty well bitched, and when I say "bitched," I pretty much mean "dead." Okay, no problem, hold my breath. Singed lungs bad....Hold breath... "Number two: don't put your hands in front of your face. If you ever notice in the movies when a guy is on fire, he keeps his hands away from his face. That's because his hands are on fucking fire, and it'll burn your eyes out." Right, okay, hold breath, hands away from face, hold breath... "Number three: we didn't have the money to get the good breakaway glass. Now don't worry, this shit will shatter, but when it gets hot, it melts and will stick to you kinda like, kinda like..." Me: "Kinda like napalm?" Kenny: "Exactly. Napalm. So you're gonna wanna hit it real real hard, hard as you can, in fact. Cool?" And that, kids, was the extent of my "burn training." Hold breath, hands away from face, and for the love of all things holy, hit the glass HARD."
Now Kenny has bailed down from the platform and left me up there with a 16 year old P.A. whose got a handset radio, and a bic. No kidding, a bic. Waaaaaay the hell down on the ground, I can hear the final preparations being made to get the shot. My thoughts are pretty much running thus: "Hold breath, hands back, hit really hard. Hold breath, hands back, hit hard..." And I'm waiting for the P.A. to give me an "action" which he'll get from the director over the radio, and then he'll, um, set me ablaze. "Hold breath, hands back, hit hard..." All of sudden I hear it, the PA is screaming at me. "Go go go! Action, motherscratcher! Action!" To which I reply calmly, "Dude, isn't someone gonna set me on fire?" Him: "YOU'RE ON FIRE, YOU IGNORANT BASTARD! AAAACTIOOOOON!" Me, "Aaaaigh! I'm on fucking fiiiiiiire!" and that, you miserable whores, is how I began my glorious big entrance into the world of the silver screen.
Clockwork you bitches. It all goes like clockwork. I run screeching down the rickety ass platform, I smash through the window, and flail paraplegically through the air into a perfect header onto the crash pad, the guys on the ground put my flaming ass out, and I'm a total hero. My penis magically grows six more inches, and I'm three hundred dollars richer.
Six months later, I'm in Vegas, working on what was at that time the first (I think) James Bond game. ("Die to the left. Good, now die to the right. Good, now die on fire. Good, now get exploded. Good...") Right when I'm thinking, "Whoever thought that this would be my life?" in walks the producer who hired me to do the fall. It's the first time I've seen him since the shoot. We start talking and I ask him how the footage came out. All of a sudden he gets sorta cagey, "You know how these things are, man, you really have no control...It's all about the editors..." And I'm like, "Wait, wait, what happened?" and he goes, "Well, we couldn't use it. The fall was cool and everything, but you looked kinda stiff, ya know?" I say, "Stiff?" And he goes, "Yeah, you know stiff, like you were holding your breath or something." At which I start screaming, "I WAS holding my breath, you miserable jackass! I was on fucking fire! I WAS holding my breath." And he says calm as calm can be, "Yeah, you could really tell. Totally ruined the shot."
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thoroughly enjoyable. I may have unsharted my pants just now...if that's possible.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-22 21:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
6 shades of awesome
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-26 16:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
This made me laugh, a weird, drawing-in-of-breath type inverted wheeze laugh. I'm glad I was alone.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Re-reading this
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-03-06 16:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wanna be in my movie?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-14 23:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude use the enter key, seriously.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-07 10:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-08-02 15:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-05 12:39:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:40:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Great.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-02 05:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-26 02:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is fucking awesome.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-13 06:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-07 06:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me. This was brilliant.
Submitted by FatZach802 (user info) at 2005-08-02 17:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your stuff blows me away, I signed up just so I could review it.
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2005-06-29 04:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-06-22 23:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you're like... the best thing to ever happen to ubersite.
Seriously, your writing reads like Salinger. I really LIKE J. D. Salinger.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-04-07 16:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bootyfull
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-24 12:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-13 21:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well... Circe told me I should read your stuff, and that was like a month ago, so of course, here I am reading your stuff. I enjoyed this. It's a bit hard getting through the narration at first, but midway I was immersed. By the way, don't mind my comment about getting through the narration, I have wicked ADD.
You do a very nice job of creating a character, and his quoting people in his eccentric manner works very well. I'm off to go read some more now.
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-03-10 07:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-16 12:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-16 08:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-16 00:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-05 12:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:40:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Great.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Number three: we didn't have the money to get the good breakaway glass. Now don't worry, this shit will shatter, but when it gets hot, it melts and will stick to you kinda like, kinda like..." Me: "Kinda like napalm?" Kenny: "Exactly. Napalm. So you're gonna wanna hit it real real hard, hard as you can, in fact. Cool?"
Laughing my happy ass off.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-22 22:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by switters (user info) at 2004-12-22 22:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-12-22 21:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for keeping me entertained while waiting for my university's site to quit crashing so I can check my grades.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-22 21:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
6 shades of awesome
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-22 21:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you. Completely sanely and from a distance.
...bear my children?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-20 19:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-11 19:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How have I not seen your stuff before? This is fantastic.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-09 01:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh. At least you got 3 bills for like 10 minutes of work.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-01 09:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Far fucking out. I LOVE your style. I want more!
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-26 20:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I Love That Shit.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't stop posting.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-26 19:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Great.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-26 16:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I give all first time posters a -2. It's customary."
Yes, because you're a fucking douche bag.
That is all.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
mehhhh... pretty good.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ignore Avals,
I give all first time posters a -2. It's customary.
I did enjoy the story BTW.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-26 15:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I figure you earned a +2 for jumping through a glass window, 60 feet high, while on fire.
Ignore shitfuck; he's ... well, he's a shit fuck.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy shit, a new user, and you used paragraphs! Good job.
I liked the story, too.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-26 14:11:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're famous.
Welcome to uber asshead.