Walmart Tried To Swallow Me (3037 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude <fuck.that> (View user info) at 2004-11-26 22:32:31 EST
After the entire 19 years of my life (minus college) spent living in Los Angeles, my parents this summer finally executed their plan to move to the town in which they first met. Bumblefuck, I mean Sonora, is a crap-ass little place in the heart of gold-mining country a few hours due east of California's bay area. And what would a little back-country podunk rural town be without its very own Walmart.
My folks try their hardest to patronize local stores but apparently my mom had a moment of weakness recently. Of course, she got one too few strings of Christmas lights, so naturally my dad, and I (who was down from school for the holiday) were sent to get the last one.
Now I used to think the city Walmart was shitty from the one time I ever went there, but I'll be damned if this fucking hick town's version wasn't the scariest place I've ever been to.
I saw horrible things; things that should never be seen.
As soon as I walked in I got queasy. It was like a terrifying combination of a hall of mirrors and a circus freak show. I saw a kid whose face looked as if it were stretched horizontally to almost Oprah-like proportions. I saw 30 year olds with acne. I saw the toothless, the obese, the geriatric. Not even the low, low prices could draw my eyes from the high, high skirts on the fat, fat wigger bitches.
When I finally ripped my gaze away from the fucking sewer rat-looking populace of the place, we were on our way to the checkout line. The holiday shit section was way over on one side of the building, where they had only 2 registers set up, so naturally it was a crowded mess.
Some disgusting she-beast with an underbite and a neck-chin continuity rivaled only by the fucking turkey I ate last night was unwittingly blocking shopping cart access to one of the registers, so my dad mumbles to me, "it'd be great if this horse moved the fuck along."
Of course, he didn't notice her trashy dickhole of a husband nearby, who promptly accosted him: "Hey, how about you ask nicely instead of making a rude comment to my wife, sir, and happy fucking holidays. Asshole."
My dad didn't want to get into anything, so he got his receipt and left, but I was fucking juiced at the opportunity to bitch out a real live redneck.
"Hey, how about you take your corpulent manatee wife and hightail your asses back to your hickshit trailer park where you can focus on splitting your welfare check between crystal meth, turkey necks, and a comb for your trisomy-18 son's greasy fucking mullet."
And with that, his fucking head exploded with a satisfying "THOP." Then another thop came, and another. I looked around and inbred slack-jawed cross-toothed heads were popping left and right; the air was pouring hunks of aneuploidal brain cells over everything, morbidly ornamenting the fake Christmas trees with flesh. There was a horrifyingly loud and ominous groan from underneath me and the ground started to quake violently, so I bolted the fuck out the door in time to watch the Walmart, robbed of its customer base, crumble to shit and be swallowed by a great rift in the earth.
I'm never fucking going to Walmart again.
User Reviews
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-07-20 00:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
::applause::
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-23 18:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves the +2 I was going to give it anyway
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-05-18 04:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-07-28 03:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-01-30 02:50:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doneupandin (user info) at 2005-01-30 01:53:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope your mother dies of her illness.
I'd say the same to you, but I don't think Compulsive Semen Ingestion Disorder is lethal
-------------------------------------------------------------
Ejaculati0wn3d... This story couldn't be any truer.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-07-28 03:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-28 03:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very accurate
Submitted by Rads_wife (user info) at 2005-06-14 00:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68315
WINNER!!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66233#1324012
thanks man. I actually did and, yes, I giggled.
Submitted by DerivableZero (user info) at 2005-04-14 02:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I come from a small town in South Louisiana. Contrary to the public belief based upon the camwhore picture (which was a joke), I am a well-dressed, well-carried young woman. I dread going to wal-mart in my town because of the cat-calling forty-somethings that sit near the door. I dread seeing the people that I graduated high school with still stuck in the podunk town, babies on their hips and hand-me-down maternity clothes on them. And the boys... they do the stock there. I can agree whole-heartedly.
Despite my hatred of Wal-Mart as an evil corporation, I just hate the general breed of people that seem to gravitate there.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-01-30 13:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFLCOPTER
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-01-30 02:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doneupandin (user info) at 2005-01-30 01:53:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope your mother dies of her illness.
I'd say the same to you, but I don't think Compulsive Semen Ingestion Disorder is lethal
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-30 02:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doneupandin (user info) at 2005-01-30 01:53:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope your mother dies of her illness.
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-01-14 15:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post..
I just noticed a comment you left on another post, and i noticed, you have an extremely awesome taste in music as well.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:46:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
majoring in biology at ucsc i take it?
good research
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lots of words and letters and sentences and paragraphs that make up AWESOME.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
majoring in biology at ucsc i take it?
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-28 00:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, dmd finally posted again.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2004-11-27 21:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-11-27 19:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I took out an entire Wal-Mart with a shotgun once...good times.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43257
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-27 18:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6591805/
Adam Smith is the man...China's workers are standing up to the bullshit. No question about the fact that once people start earning money, even if they start low, the standards and demands will go up helping everyone in the long run.
Wal-Mart sucks in many ways, but is good in others that people fail to recognize. There are tons of "wal-mart" type operations all over America though.... Someone who would love applebees and hate wal-mart are hypocrites as far as I'm concerned. Thankfully I live in a town that has local restaurants that kick ass. As for stores? Not much to choose from... Mom & Pop stores have been long gone for quite some time. It is simply "choose the lesser evil of the chain stores". Target people seem to choose, but it is just the 6th level of hell instead of the 7th. Cosco rules, but we don't have one of those around here.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-27 16:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
walmart tried to swallow me too but she couldn't handle it all
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-11-27 16:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-11-27 16:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-27 15:47:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51834
They probably have a file on you now.
They already did, WAY before he ever entered the store. Trust me on this one.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-27 15:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't think they had Wal-Mart in California.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-27 15:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51834
They probably have a file on you now.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-11-27 15:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
naw, I saw that South Park a week and a half ago, and I think it had a subconscious influence on me
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2004-11-27 15:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You watched South Park last night, didn't you?
Don't lie to me, I know you did...
+1 for a good story
+1 for making fun of Wal-Mart
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-11-27 14:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Story = Good
Picture = terrorist attack?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-27 12:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Super Target is worse, and I have proof...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52723
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-11-27 11:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Walmart is called Asda over here.
Thats adsa price! *taps arse*
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-11-27 06:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to Walmart once. I went in kicking and screeming to promises that it had "all this stuff" for cheap. So, I ended up buying a ghetto blaster for my bathroom (you know, to keep myself entertained in the shower... um... ANYWAY)... The cashier committed identity fraud on me that night. As a result, Walmart proved to be the Devil as I had always thought, and I will never go there again either.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-27 05:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-27 05:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm never fucking going to Walmart again."
Oh, you'll be back
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-27 05:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
supermarkets are evil
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-11-27 02:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No way you guys, THIS IS ALL TRUE! You can see the video footage on the web. Brains everywhere.
Every Wal-Mart I've been to has been like that.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-27 01:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this was shenanigans, except for the popping heads bit...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT THING TOUCH ITS OWN COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:21:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true. Wal-Mart is the social centerpiece of Sonora. Just hang out outside and everyone will eventually come by.
Of course, you look worse for hanging out outside on the picnic bench.
DMD I'm coming home soon to visit my ma, she's pretty ill. We'll hit-up "The Office" bar in downtown Sonora on Washington st. or something.
That sounds good, I'm off for winter break in 2 weeks, however I'm underage as far as bars go.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because my cousin and his friends hang out at their local walmart and try to start fights.
Its sad.
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have reason to believe, that this story isn't exactly accurate, especially the part about exploding heads.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true. Wal-Mart is the social centerpiece of Sonora. Just hang out outside and everyone will eventually come by.
Of course, you look worse for hanging out outside on the picnic bench.
DMD I'm coming home soon to visit my ma, she's pretty ill. We'll hit-up "The Office" bar in downtown Sonora on Washington st. or something.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-27 00:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Bumblefuck'
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-11-26 23:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-26 23:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant ending.
Thank the lord I have never had to go into a Wal-mart.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shefuckingnanigans.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not even the low, low prices could draw my eyes from the high, high skirts on the fat, fat wigger bitches."
Yes.
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to Wal-Mart the other night to get a box of clays and they were fucking sold out. No excuse especialy since it was a Super Wal-Mart. Everyone in there had camo on.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe the recent, and soon to be finalized merger between k-mart and sears will put the walmart corp back in their place; a sub-par discount chain run by arrogant bloated ceo's
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, just be glad you weren't there long enough to feel the full Wal-Mart experience.
It's not something I like to talk about.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-26 22:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha