Beerisms (2858 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.25 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JP <jean15paul.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-02-22 00:55:57 EST
With all of the serious posts and man vs. woman post, I thought it was time to get back to some good old fun. Not having the time or energy to compose something original (in the past 4 days, I've averaged 3.5 hours of sleep a night), I am recycling an old email (actually I hope I didn't get this off Ubersite). Enjoy.
P.S. I can't vouch for accuracy, but I still found them funny.
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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. What a coincidence...
-Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862.
-Unknown
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-Unknown
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group
-Unknown
Most men can at least recognize some beauty when Drunk.
-Unknown
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
-Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-Oscar Wilde
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
-David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.
-Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
-George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
-Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson
User Reviews
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-21 06:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Work is the SCOURGE of the drinking class." - Oscar Wilde
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-10-15 02:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by olivia_tremor_control (user info) at 2005-10-15 01:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by clumeister (user info) at 2005-05-03 10:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some believe in God, others believe in Allah or Buddha...
I believe I will have another...
:P
Here is a quote,but I can't remember who said it, sorry:
"When ordering drinks always order two, you never know when the waitress will be around again."
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-05-03 10:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-05 19:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
to quote AlahAckbar
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-05 19:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Actually I'm a stupid whiny douche that still worries if my teachers will spank me if I don't have my homework in on time.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-09-04 00:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CONGRADULATIONS!
You won a "I'm fucking tired of doing homework so I'm going to fuck around on uber till my eyes bleed" random +2ing.
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-15 19:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-05-24 00:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COME BACK
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-11-02 01:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
12 posts and #7 on the Most Viewed Authors list.
Tell me how you did it.
Submitted by natsthename (user info) at 2003-09-30 17:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, open a microbrewery in MA, nrscase. I'll be a customer. John Harvard's isn't quite cutting it for me (but they have a meatloaf that will make you swear off any other for life.)
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-08-26 15:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Speaking of disappearing Ubers, when was Ryan Donovan last active? His last post was at the end of April.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-06-02 19:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What happened to JP? He disappeared in Feb 03. Bring him back!!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-04-16 19:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. I love beer.
Submitted by geofflightning (user info) at 2003-02-24 19:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The support group quote was from Denis Leary, I believe.
- Geoff Lightning
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2003-02-22 16:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Beer- The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!
--Homer Simpson
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2003-02-22 14:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Time is never wasted, when you're wasted all the time."
- Catherine Zandonella
"If you're not wasted, the day is."
"There can't be good living where there is not good drinking."
- Benjamin Franklin
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-Dave Barry
"I recommend..bread, meat, vegetables, and beer."
- Sophocles
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober."
- William Butler Yeats
P.S. Good post topic.
Submitted by nrscase (user info) at 2003-02-22 11:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Mmmm... beer. I think I'll have to go crack one open right now and get started early.
Eventually I want to open a microbrewery/pub (Put my chemical engineering degree to to task it should be used for). They don't have many in new england and they don't know what they are missing. Just have to save up enough money first. Well, off to the beer fridge...
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - the Kaiser obviously didn't know the right women.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-02-22 10:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to the beer afficianado, such as myself, your list was quite entertaining. good show.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-02-22 09:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great list.
Submitted by Jo at 2003-02-22 07:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They are all so true!