Little Things (Nipple involved) - First Post (1447 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.88 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mat <mattreallysmells.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-28 19:06:28 EST
First Post
My Problem: I have been reading Ubersite for quite a while now, giggling at stories from around the world, laughing at camwhores and wondering who the hell lojope is. I tried several times to come up with something amusing and origional for you all but it either wasn't long enough (no metaphor intended) or just wasn't interesting.
For example; a little while ago, I was on a till in the local multinational to whom I sold my soul a few months ago, and a frere was buying a watermelon. Now I'm sure you are acquainted with the general dynamics of a watermelon, but for those who are not; they are rather large and heavy. Anyway, I decide not to pick it up but roll it towards me. All goes to plan until I try to stop it, fail to put up sufficient resistance, and it pins my finger against the acrylic of the till. And I bleed. For goodness' sake I was injured by a watermelon. My wound can be seen at the bottom of the post:
See my problem? Cracking little story, but it's the equivalent of premature ejaculation. How could I post it? Here's another classic:
My family and I went to Paris a while ago and stayed in a nice hotel opposite the Japanese embassy, consequently they're were a lot of Japanese people staying in the hotel. I came down to breakfast one morning and could see a petit Japanese woman at a right angle to me. She was clearly in a day dream and her a pretty little face was consuming this monstrous banana that was of horse-cock dimensions. With every bite she raised her eyebrows in a look of mild surprise then returned to a completely blank expression. It was a fantastic moment
It's just impossible to link that to anything. Just like this is:
I'm on the bus and a gaggle of year 8 girls from the local convent school are filling the next few rows, all in hysterics believing that they are high from glue. Not proper solvent though, it's Pritt Stick. Bloody 59p cheap school glue in sticky, slightly edible format, it even says 'Non Solvent' on the side. I point this out to them, they look at me briefly and then ignore me, so I shot them. Bitches.
Now that story's rating wouldn't last longer than my anal virginity in San Quentin. It's just boring. As is the arrangement of moles I found on my arm that form an exact right angled triangle, or the interesting chocolate, almond and pear 'surprise cake' my mother made today (the surprise: it was kiwi fruit).
Well, if you ever think of a way to put these mini-anecdotes into a postable form, do let me know.
Just to make this post complete, here is shameless link-whoreage to keep my hits up: www.mattnotharry.tk
One last pointless story of how my mother Catholic-ed my pin-up (this is where you'll find that elusive nipple), and a camwhore of me being a twat for you to make a mess over, enjoy:
User Reviews
Submitted by Lobos (user info) at 2005-12-19 09:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"For goodness' sake I was injured by a watermelon."
+1 for that.
Submitted by X_ild (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
and you knock me
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for baptism by fire. Welcome!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
+0 for the post
-1/2 for the "first post"
-1 for the non-existant picture...
And since 1 1/2 isn't a viable score, I'll be nice and round up.
Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2004-11-28 22:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:31:17 (#)
Ranking: -1
None of those anecdotes were funny, but only a -1 because rather than make several terrible posts, you made one big shitty post.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-28 22:16:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't preview the picture. And never tell anyone you're new.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-28 21:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
why on earth is this negative?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-28 20:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If you've been here quite a while you should have known better.
Submitted by mike18 (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My first post was way more kick ass
Dont mind if I hit whore do you?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52179
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh?
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"first post"
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
on reflection, perhaps you had to be there
*cuts slack*
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
None of those anecdotes were funny, but only a -1 because rather than make several terrible posts, you made one big shitty post.
Welcome to Uber
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The deal with those stories is that each one is more boring then the last, and putting them all together makes for an incredible amount of boredom
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok i have it now. apologies: http://mattnotharry.tripod.com/harrynotmatt/id11.html
my head in hangs in shame (just like my first time)
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
argh! where the fuck is my picture?
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF! I'm not reading all that! Go fuck an exhaust pipe!!!!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bienvenidos
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2die
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2004-11-28 19:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Welcome to Uber