New Year Celebrations (616 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DeathJester (View user info) at 2004-11-29 07:21:21 EST
There are few celebrations that can match up to the debauchery and carnage that happens on the eve of opening a virgin diary... 21st Birthdays, End of School parties, and marriage receptions are all up there with it, but excluding the first in the list, none can compare.
Last year we made our preparations for the big meet:
1) Venue
We decided on our good friend Alex to provide us with a place to party, and he rightly did so. We have used his house several times in the past, mainly because his dad can't afford to refurnish the place. He has curtains that belonged to a 1970's caravan at some point, and strip lights you find in most UK Kitchens on the walls, fed from plugs and sockets. This is a place that has so much grime on it, the beer and vomit likely to land on the upholstery is simply going to slide off.
2) Attendees
The usual crowd are called forth from their Uni posts or places of work, and all assemble in the pub to decide on who's going to provide the women. Seeing as I spanned 2 years at college (I re-took my first year), I was charged with this task. A most grateful turn of events... I end up bringing most of the college's ladies basket ball team. 3 of my friends, 3 people I know only by sight, and my ex-girlfriends twin sister (cue suspense filled music for later elaboration on why this person gets a special mention).
3) Entertainment
Aside from the loose women and obvious alcohol (Which I will come to later), we needed something to get the mood of the party going. Unfortunately, our group of friends consists of all the misfits from school, so our musical taste is very varied. We have 2 MOBO lovers, 3 Indie, 1 pop music (he doesn't get a vote when we decide on music), and 3 rockers including me. We end up with a selection of Bowling for Soup, Ice Cube, Nirvana, MEGADETH, KoRn, Radiohead, REM, and the Presidents of the USA (LUMP, Kitty, and Peaches bellowed at full volume later in the night).
4) Liquid refreshments
Deciding on what form of alcohol to purchase for such an endeavour is not something that should be taken lightly. The beverages you buy have a very direct influence on how your party will progress. Too much beer and people will be too busy pissing to have a good time, too much wine and it'll degenerate into listening to Ben Folds Five and Frank Sinatra (Both good, not what we're looking for on this particular occasion). Buy only spirits, and the beer drinkers will be upset or pissed so quickly that everyone will be passed out by 11pm or vomiting on the neighbours porch.
We decided on:
4 bottles of good ale each (The rockers and indie kids).
4 cases of cooking lager (see ale)
4 bottles of wine (We heard Lambrini girls put out more, so we got 3 of those and a red that tasted like vinegar strained through the armpit of a builder's thermal vest)
2 bottles of vodka (Smirnoff... Only the finest paint stripper for the rap lovers).
You all know how a party starts, so I'll skip the boring "Hahaha pass me another beer and turn this shit rap music off!" period of non-inebriation, and move straight onto the juicy details.
We clear through 2 bottles of wine, 2 of the beer crates, and the 2 rap lovers neck one of the bottles of vodka between them. Everybody keeps asking why there's no "R'n'B" here, and I explain that there is no modern "R'n'B" artist I have heard that can hold a rhythm, or has any reference to blues in their music, and they tell me I'm a sad computer geek. Zero brownie points for me.
Steve heads over to the stereo and turns off the hardly played Vanilla Ice CD, and inserts the presidents. Lump.
WHOAAAAA the room starts to bounce!
*Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh*
All the blokes pipe up and start to bounce
*Totally motionless except for her heart*
Steve and Matt grab Little Jon (5'3 compared to their 6'2)
*Mud flowed up into lump's pyjamas*
Jon bounces off the ceiling as they lift him too high
*She totally confused all the passing piranhas*
Jon grabs Steve's shirt on the way to the floor
*She's lump she's lump*
Jon hits the "Empties" table.
*She's in my head*
Jon squeals as he's just caught the top of a wine bottle on his scrotum
*She's lump she's lump she's lump*
Jon rolls off the precariously placed wine bottle
*She might be dead*
Jon checks his crotch for 2 duck eggs and a saveloy, instead finding 2 peanuts and a chipolata, and is happy, if in pain.
We were most amazed that there is now a Little Jon-shaped impression in the bed of empty cans on the table. If any of us had a camera, the image would be here. Suffice to say it was a moment of complete amazement, and we all paid homage to the great Beer got for saving out friends balls.
More alcohol is consumed throughout the night, and the party slows down. My friend Rob (Indie) has never had much luck with women, and manages to pull while comatose. We always told him he would have better luck if he kept his mouth shut, but we didn't know how good his luck would be until that moment.
Oh were we jealous.
Steve (Indie) gets interrupted mid-grope with some twat called Iain's girlfriend by our hosts father (He wanted to use the phone in the room they were semi-naked in), and they return downstairs sheepishly, tail between legs (His between hers), and rejoin after the ceremony of "WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!"'s and "WHOOOO'S YER DADDY!!!"'s.
At some point I am supposed to have pulled and slept with my ex's twin... Bonus!
This year, I think I'm going for port and cheese at my grandmother's house.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for life...you had me totally fooled with that T.W.A.T. post.
Then you came clean.
mmmm...port and cheese...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-01 12:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Re: http://www.ubersite.com/m/53100
You know, it must be really hard for people who actually think like this.
I don't know if I convinced any of you, but all that open and undirected hate just didn't sit well with me. This started as an attempt to get on Most Heated, just to see how easy it is. However, it quickly degenerated into undeserved insults and outright idiocy. I simply cannot hold that thought or idea for very long, and I most certainly don't believe it!
Well, from the way it's going as of now, it may well be easy to get onto the Most Heated list. How sad.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-01 11:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shenanigans on my post "T.W.A.T, or how to fix it so we never have this problem again". I just wanted to see how easy it was to get on Most Heated.
Check this link out for my real view on posts about Iraq: http://www.ubersite.com/m/51084#947841
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:20:45 (#)
Dude. Stop posting after me.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sorry! You should have told me before.
On the bright side, at least you've recovered from the party
just in time for this year's version...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Pull" is English slang for getting a chick's number simply by buying her enough drinks that she can't refuse.
"Score" is English slang for getting in a chick's knickers simply by buying her enough drinks that she can't refuse.
Another word for "Scoring" is "Taking advantage".
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-29 09:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a New Years that was many shades of the colour awesome.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
normally, I'd be a dick and not +2 out of spite, but hey..whatever.
what does "pull" mean?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you tell me what to rate! Minus 1 for you!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the best rated post I have... Nobody else rate it unless it's a +2!
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless