Spreading Christmas Cheer Like Anthrax (18183 hits)
Category: GraphicsLabels: BaW
Rating: 1.78 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Coyote <spacecoyote42.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-29 08:25:56 EST
If Sant al-Claus has his way, Christmas Eve this year will be a holy night, but it will be anything but silent. The radial Yulist cleric, known for his red paramilitary uniform and snowy white beard, is thought to be planning a major terrorist strike within the United States sometime this holiday season. al-Claus is known to cross international borders with remarkable ease in pursuit of his goals, and this year it is considered more likely than ever that those on his naughty list will be waking up to a dirty bomb or holiday card laced with anthrax spores. al-Claus operates from a secretive base near the North Pole; special forces operations against this base have been thwarted by the uncooperative government of Canada, the mysterious and syrupy pariah nation of the boreal wilderness. al-Claus' hatred of the west is well known; while his motives remain unclear, the fat fanatic with the reindeer fetish is thought to be driven by a hatred of Israel and America, and the desire for peace on earth and goodwill toward men.
"Good" Sheikh Wence al-Slaus, a prominent supporter of al-Claus, holds that the cleric is a divinely inspired leader who is the best hope of the Yulist movement to rid the North Pole of American influence, and ultimately destroy the west. A statement read on Arabic language television network al Jazeera says "The great western Grinch is attacking Sant al-Claus by allowing global warming to melt his ice mosques at the North Pole. He will punish the infidel. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good or the fury of Allah will smite you with unstoppable power and you will be cast from the light of heaven into eternal darkness forever. And you'll get a lump of coal in your stocking for sure."
Reports have been surfacing that members of terrorist sleeper cells have been attempting to sign up for positions in some of the nation's most prominent Santa Claus schools, presumably in order to gain positions of trust and respect in shopping malls across the country. John Sobieski of "The Original Santa Claus School" in New Albion, Michigan, said, "We had one guy come in, wanted to sign up for reindeer flight school right off the bat. He weren't interested in learnin' the laugh or 'splainin' how he gets down and up all those chimneys. Just kept askin' the maximum airspeed of a sleigh, and how much fuel a fully loaded reindeer holds." Asked to estimate the kinetic energy contained in a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, Sobieski gave a value "somewheres between hittin' a deer with your truck and, like, a fireworks factory exploding".
The Department of Homeland Security has issued no warnings of a specific threat, but urged Americans to be extremely cautious around unidentified packages, especially around the critical dates of 24-25 December. Since the passage of the Patriot Act, the law provides that if up on the rooftop there arises a clatter, you should immediately spring from your bed to see what is the matter. If confronted by a right jolly old elf, it is advisable to shoot first and ask questions later, especially if the suspect appears to have a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly-- a characteristic trait of suicide bombers wearing belts of plastic explosive.
Photos:
(Left) A picture of radical Yulist cleric Sant al-Claus is hoisted aloft by an exasperated shopper during extended mall hours in the Christmas-ite stronghold of North Pole.
(Upper right) The Island of Misfit Toys, the final destination for elves, or "helpers", who violate the strict laws imposed by fundamentalist Christmas-ites, is said to be the site of nonstop violations of the Geneva Conventions. A guard declined to be interviewed for this report, but was heard to mutter "Hate untangling those goddamn lights every year. But I'll be damned if that bastard Smith across the street is gonna have a better display than me."
(Lower right) This photograph of unknown origin, passed to CIA operatives by Pakistani intelligence, suggests that there has been a new development in Osama bin Laden's plans to smuggle nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons onto American soil. Iraqi cleric Muqtada al-Sadr was reported to have sat on bin Laden's lap and asked for an X-Box, the Star Wars DVD box set, and the total destruction of America for Christmas.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 22:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good or the fury of Allah will smite you with unstoppable power and you will be cast from the light of heaven into eternal darkness forever. And you'll get a lump of coal in your stocking for sure."
This especially made me laugh. Good show.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell, 'tis the season to rate old posts again in case someone hasn't seen them.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-17 13:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Coyote - what town are you from (no, I'm not a stalker, just curious). I grew up in Setauket and I now live in PJ.
Submitted by angry_worker (user info) at 2004-12-12 07:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
that was completely and utterly not funny, and stupid.
and to the guy, Wuzi who says 'fuck iraqies' because its taking up his news time. You bloody tool. If there is going to be a terrorist attack on western soil, I hope you're the first one to die, fuck head~!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-10 15:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by YourMom (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:28:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
See, this is funny stuff...unlike some retard writing about how he crashed his car while being a fatass eating his Wendy's.
***
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by YourMom (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, this is funny stuff...unlike some retard writing about how he crashed his car while being a fatass eating his Wendy's.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me way before "Iraqi cleric Muqtada al-Sadr was reported to have sat on bin Laden's lap and asked for an X-Box, the Star Wars DVD box set, and the total destruction of America for Christmas."
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-12-06 18:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kicked massive ass.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-05 20:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny, but this is way better:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53250
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not at all what I expected from the title, but awesome nonetheless.
Submitted by chumbait (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wow,
could that be more pointless.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellence.
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...be extremely cautious around unidentified packages, especially around the critical dates of 24-25 December."
This was awesome.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-12-02 16:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Always thought that al Santa guy looked kinda shifty.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-12-02 02:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-29 13:45:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
This should have WAY more hits and WAY more reviews.
__________________________________________________
Great job.
Submitted by vajokki (user info) at 2004-12-02 00:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-12-01 19:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I the only one who gets really angry around this time of year.
Submitted by degree451 (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We need to see more stuff like this around christmas
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-01 11:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-01 10:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Woo hoo, B@W!
OK, this is going on my CV somewhere.
Maybe under "Teaching and Service"?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-12-01 10:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats. I believe I was the first person on Ubersite with a coolness level above "Awesome" to nominate this for B@W.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-01 08:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddammit, I want to be on B@W!!!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-01 04:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, you magnificent bastard.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-01 03:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-01 03:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-30 23:04:52 (#)
So, Coyote, did you Uberboard it this time
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Nope! Another anonymous fan, I guess.
Anyway, thanks for the publicity...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 02:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats Coyote. You deserve B@W.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-12-01 01:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-30 23:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-30 23:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, Coyote, did you Uberboard it this time?
I did the first time, out of sheer goodwill and a heart attack from laughing.
Didn't want to name myself until I saw it back up...
AND WHY ISN'T THIS B@W YET????????
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-30 19:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-29 11:31:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
OH my god...
B@W!
B@W!
As God as my witness, B@W!
---------------------------------------------------
-Davros
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-30 16:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh this was so kick ass.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-30 15:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah,
B@W
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-30 15:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
<breath>
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-30 14:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-11-30 14:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellente, B@W for shnizzle
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Somebody put this on uberboard?
Interesting and cool...
thank you, anonymous person.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-30 08:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-11-30 00:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great shit man.
Submitted by UsernameTaken (user info) at 2004-11-29 23:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-29 22:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_T_Man (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely amazing.
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good story but I hate all that shit about the war in Iraq it is taking up Canada's News space, fuck the Iraqies
*Bombs +2 streak*
Submitted by mike18 (user info) at 2004-11-29 18:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-29 18:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Osama as Santa = +2
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the hilarity.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
absolutely hilarious
'mines a tale that can't be told
my freedom I hold dear
how years ago in days of old
when magic ruled the earth'
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha, ho ho ho, and a couple of tra la las.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-29 14:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W by far. Great post.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-29 14:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-29 14:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:19:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
"If confronted by a right jolly old elf, it is advisable to shoot first and ask questions later, especially if the suspect appears to have a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly-- a characteristic trait of suicide bombers wearing belts of plastic explosive."
Duly noted. This piece is AWESOME!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-11-29 14:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 13:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo!
I live in a Pariah Nation!
Thanks for the early Christmas Present.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-29 13:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This should have WAY more hits and WAY more reviews.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-29 13:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-29 11:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH my god...
B@W!
B@W!
As God as my witness, B@W!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good title.
Submitted by Fleury75 (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
too fuckin good
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Stop posting after me.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If confronted by a right jolly old elf, it is advisable to shoot first and ask questions later, especially if the suspect appears to have a belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly-- a characteristic trait of suicide bombers wearing belts of plastic explosive."
Duly noted. This piece is AWESOME!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-29 10:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomeness
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-29 09:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks to Circe for inspiring the title, by the way.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-29 09:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-29 09:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:33:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
"He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good or the fury of Allah will smite you with unstoppable power and you will be cast from the light of heaven into eternal darkness forever."
"Asked to estimate the kinetic energy contained in a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, Sobieski gave a value "somewheres between hittin' a deer with your truck and, like, a fireworks factory exploding"."
So much pure gold here. You're absolutely awesome; this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
_________________________________________________
What she said, plus a, "Holy Crap this is pure awesomeness!"
You R.O.C.K.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good or the fury of Allah will smite you with unstoppable power and you will be cast from the light of heaven into eternal darkness forever."
"Asked to estimate the kinetic energy contained in a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, Sobieski gave a value "somewheres between hittin' a deer with your truck and, like, a fireworks factory exploding"."
So much pure gold here. You're absolutely awesome; this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
And if that Boy of mine doesn't stop bitching about wanting an X-box for Chrsitmas, I'm going to arrange for this guy to pay him a visit.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-11-29 08:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment