Broken Exodus (983 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Untruth
Rating: 1.82 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2004-11-29 17:16:54 EST
100 Years of Hell.
That's what the history books say, but no one's really sure when it started.
I think the first recorded incident was sometime in the winter of 2015 but there had been rumors and whispers for years before that.
It started as an urban legend. The stories were told in the Ghetto at first but soon spread to the middle class; originally as a Movie of the Week, then as a documentary. Before long it was on the Nightly News. Too quickly, it grew beyond even that. It was in your city, then your neighborhood, then your neighbors' house... and if you were one of the unlucky ones, your house.
But it didn't stop there.
It moved from legend to fact, from occurrence to plague. It was being reported in every city on earth, and still it grew. Soon nowhere was safe; people were being found dead in farmhouses, campsites, shrines... the Vatican.
It grew like ivy, parasitic and unstoppable. When there was enough video footage of it to spark mass hysteria, we turned to God and Science. When that didn't work, a good quarter of the world simply gave up.
Suicides became as commonplace as her appearance after a while.
For every life she took another would self destruct.
Two for one.
The resulting riots lasted 5 years. I saw a documentary that said the middle class turned against what they believed was the source. I guess it makes sense in a way. The stories started in the Ghetto, so SHE must have started there, right? I saw footage of men in white shirts and ties. They'd swapped their briefcases for torches, their umbrellas for guns, and they were burning the Poor. Mobs of well dressed men and women moved through low income neighborhoods, setting fire to houses and killing everyone in their way.
We turned against ourselves like caged animals.
They were wrong, of course. I think it started there because there were simply more poor people at the time. I think it's nothing more than statistics, but no one ever asks me. Not that it would make a difference if they did anyway... not anymore.
In my opinion, it's a wonder that civilization didn't end right there. I've never really been known as an optimist.
Not too many of them around these days, in any case.
She's seen to that.
Most people I know call her the Screamer. I think the British call her the White Lady.
I suppose every nation has its own name for her.
I just call her Bitch.
Regardless of what anyone calls her, she's decimated the population of the planet. She's wiped out whole towns in the course of an evening.
Governments have fallen since the reaping began but somehow society stayed intact. Corporations became the new Messiahs. Freed from the restraints of government regulations, they raped the planet and pushed technology to incredible new heights. We had looked to our leaders - religious and political alike - and found nothing but false hope. In the end it was the corporations that gave us the answer. It was old fashioned ruthless capitalism that gave us the stars, and it was through it that I secured my place as CEO of the last colony ship to make it off planet.
As far as I was concerned, if she wanted a hollow shell that bad she could have it.
We've skipped through space in Echo-State for 15 years now and the only trace of her has been in our memories.
Our memories are more than enough.
I've seen and heard her on the HoloVid more times than I can count, but it doesn't even come close to doing her justice. Seeing her in 4.5 D is one thing but up close is something else all together; up close takes years off your life.
I remember.
Three years previous to our launch, I had woken up in the middle of the night and gone downstairs to get a glass of juice.
I remember taking a long drink and looking out the kitchen window at the front yard as she walked by, glowing strangely white under the yellow street lamps.
"Walked" is the wrong word. She... stuttered. Her movements were jerky, like she'd lost the grease in her joints; as if her bones were all broken, but more. It was like she was moving in and out of time. She'd walk slowly then shoot forward 5 feet in the blink of an eye.
She had long stringy white hair that fell straight to the midpoint of her back and her skin was shiny and pale, like something that had been living deep in the dirt. Like a grub or cave worm, something that had never seen the light of day. She wore a simple white nightgown that clung almost wetly to her emaciated chest. From the side I could see cruel cheekbones sticking out high above her sunken cheeks and strangely pointed chin and nose. Her feet were bare and long yellow nails curled out from them, much like the ones on the long bony hands she held straight and stiff at her sides.
I stood frozen in horror as she stuttered past then turned towards my neighbor's house, her expressionless face horribly revealed by the porch light. The twin orbs of her eyes were white and lidless. She didn't hesitate for a second; she stuttered through the locked gate, up the front walk past the sleeping dogs, and through the door as if it wasn't there.
A minute later her scream split the night and I knew the Pattersons were dead.
I didn't bother checking on them. I didn't have to. I'd seen enough pictures on the HoloNet to know they'd be lying lifeless in their beds, eyes and ears ruptured and bleeding.
No one ever survives her visits. I wasn't even in the same house and I barely did. At least their dogs died in their sleep.
I heard her scream echo through my old neighborhood countless times after, but thankfully I never saw her up close again.
At least not like that.
Which brings us back to the now...
I had the pilot bring us out of Echo-State into Real Space yesterday morning to check on the last of 8 candidate star systems. I cannot begin to explain our relief when the sensors picked up a habitable planet almost immediately.
Unfortunately the notification of an incoming Echo-Wave packet forced me to retreat to my cabin rather than celebrate with the crew as I'd wished.
Two minutes later I sat and watched the dour face of Mike Jameson, CEO of the Free Spirit, as he explained how their mission had been a failure. I watched his wide shoulders slump in defeat while she stuttered through the pressure door behind him and opened her mouth, ending the transmission and fifteen thousand lives.
I haven't been able to contact another ship since and I don't expect to.
I can't say for sure what's happened to the others. All I know is she's with us just as she was with them.
It's possible we're alive because we have brought her someplace new; a planet to carry on her work, and - according to today's sensors logs - a planet with a thriving society.
Tomorrow I have to break orbit and land. We're out of fuel and we have no choice.
Tomorrow we make first contact.
We'll come to them and they'll be aware for the first time that they are not alone in the Universe. We'll land amongst them and offer everything that we are for a chance to live.
We'll greet them with open hearts and raised palms while their doom stutters out the back hatch.
But what if...
What if we haven't done anything more than carry her home? What if our race to the stars has been her design from the start? What if the correct people were left alive to carry out her intention; that we should flee the planet and transport her here?
Never an optimist around...
Regardless, I think it must end tomorrow. I can end it all upon entry into their atmosphere with the flick of a couple of buttons - one to eject this data pad into open space, and another to bring down the ship's heat shields.
I'm going to commit genocide to stop her.
My only comfort is that we're no better than her anyway. One look at Earth will tell you that.
Maybe we can't escape her because she's a part of us. Maybe she's a cancer of the soul eating away at us all.
Maybe she's our just reward for killing all of God's creations.
Maybe it's a fitting end to 100 years of hell.
Mr. Timothy Wallace.
CEO of the Midnight Star.
December 31st, 2115 - Earth Time.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as always I love your writing..
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Trust me bro,
I've been watching it decline from 1.86 since the 0's started rolling in.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha
Zoid... look at it now.
In case anyone else posts in the meantime. It is now 1.81
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah but yours was 1.82 before I did my last 0, and it didnt change. You only have 39 reviews so it would have bumped it at least .01 of a point
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-01 09:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to think so to. Then me and a friend did an experiment and knocked "Hali" off of the number 2 spot on best of.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-30 20:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'fraid not, only the first review counts
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-30 18:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant to say thanks, I appreciate the good word.
Everytime you come back and hit me with a zero the overall rating of the story drops a bit though.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-30 18:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Zoid,
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-30 18:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no need to apologize. I was just responding in kind to encourage you. this site needs more assholes, like the good old days.
That and I'm just reviewing this again to put it on the "Recently Reviewed List" it was quite good
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-30 11:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Horror/Sci-fi! Another genre you're a natural at.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jo,
Wow thanks for the reviews!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe,
What the hell are you talking about girl?! Your editing is the only reason I came so close to submitting this story!!!
Slipshod my ASS! That'll be enough of that. Don't make me come spank your behind all over the Outback.
Everyone Else,
I don't think I saw a single comment that wasn't true in some way. I didn't intentionally reference the ring but wasn't happy that she was reminiscent of it. I thought the ring was stupid. I remember looking at my watch in the theater and thinking "OK, they have 15 minutes left to scare me"
This story was definately the victim of the word limit. You should have seen how fractured it was prior to Circe working her magic.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-30 08:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking excellent.
holy shit.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-30 08:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-30 07:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok. Sorry about the bitchiness. It happens. I'm not a horrible person, I swear!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-30 03:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, but I think you're right about the word limit.
Needed more space to develop the idea.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2004-11-30 02:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I said I got the Ring reference I didn't mean Snark had intended to refer to it or copy it in any way but that it kind of reminded me of the movie (the seeing the creature on tv first bit and the jerky movements of the ghost/creature). The plot was of course very different from the movie.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-29 23:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You obviously didn't.
Yes, that sucked.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-29 22:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oi Stupid Bitch
you ever think that sometimes people Rate without reading the comments?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-29 22:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oi, illiterates- did you notice in the comments bit towards the bottom where he said that this *wasn't* inspired by 'The Ring'? This was so much better and so far removed from that piece of crap movie that they shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence.
Yes, I'm in a pissy mood. Sorry to anyone who I offended.
By the way, Snark, was this written before or after 'The Ring' came out?
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As usual your work is amazing. I got the Ring reference as well but that didn't interfere with my enjoyment of the story, yours was quite original anyway.
I do have a problem with your writing though. I think its an opinion shared by everyone reviewing your posts.....there is not enough of it. So with that in mind you'd bet get to it (pretty please with a cherry on top).
I'll even throw in some gratuitous breasts to sweeten the deal
(o)(o)
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very creative, and I must admit, scary. Nicely written and imaginative. Good job.
Where did you ge the idea?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like this. It was a nice read, and an ok concept. I think you play too many video games though because all of your story settings seem to be like something out of an RPG.
That being said, I still think you are a good writer with a good imagination.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read everything you wrote. I'm off to +2 them all.
If you are a boy:
Know that I would be your willing sex slave forever if I weren't a lesbian. Even so, I'm having thoughts about switching back...
If you are a girl:
What's your number?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-29 20:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like this story. Sorry if my slipshod editing was a factor in your dissatisfaction with it.
Good luck in the contest.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-29 20:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really good stuff. pity it wasnt your idea to begin with.
And I'm not saying that in a bad way. Im saying it in a "you did much better then the Ring ever did" with the idea
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-11-29 20:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I went to high school with a Tim Wallace
Only question I have is how can the spooky bitch be in more than one place at once?
the story is lacking that one defining element for me.
Why does she kill...what point does it serve. Is she some avenging space angel killing our kind, is she a spectre of a horrible wrong of some sort.
The writing is very good, but a single wandering banshee would not cause a planet to puke it's population into space.
-Turtle
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Matt,
You understand that I would prefer you substitute your actual Sister...
Ahh forget it. Beggars can't be choosers.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sister!!!... Now where's the ass you promised?
AshK,
Hope you're feeling better hun!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:06:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fuck my ass and call me your sister.....
___________________________
That made me spit juice out my nose. The orange kind of juice, not some cesspool of mucus.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-29 19:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fuck my ass and call me your sister.....
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-29 18:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, this was cool.
Submitted by Samer (user info) at 2004-11-29 18:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amazing
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 18:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hehehe
Trust me, you don't want this one.
I think I'm down to less than half the synapses of a normal person.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-29 18:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm. Then I might drop the brain-eating bit- it sounds too much like my current brain to be very useful.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LadyPlural,
I no excuse for Necrosiac except that I keep forgetting the CD at home.
Thanks for the kick in the ass. I have tattoo'd a reminder to bring it, on the inside of my eyelids.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fwah!
This is fucking good. I mean, *really* fucking good. Hell, once you've finished the Necrosiac series (which I KNOW is going to happen soon because you will be posting installments more often so that I do not have to kill you and take out your brain and eat it in the futile but nevertheless amusing hope that the act of eating your brain will impart the knowledge that I want (ie, the rest of the series) and I can finally rest. Errrrm... What?), I'd like to see the back story and such to this. Flesh it out, as it were.
More Necrosiac? Please? My flesh withers and my brain atrophies without it. You wouldn't want *that* on your consience, would you?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Falconer,
She wasn't inspired by The Ring, but the fact that she is reminiscent of it was one of the things that bugged me.
Precision,
I had a 1500 word limit. Another reason I wasn't crazy about this story... the ending seems forced.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting, might make a good longer story
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story isn't my usual "thing", but I really enjoyed it.
I have a friend named Tim Wallace.
Stop it!
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The 'Bitch' reminded me of the chick from the ring...was this intentional?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is the "bad" one, I can hardly imagine how good that other story must be.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I originally wrote this for a short story contest. I was never really happy with it, and as luck would have it, got the inspiration for something much better last night.
A much much better story which I pounded out in the space of an hour and a half.
Hence this one goes on Uber.
A huge THANK YOU to Circe for editing it for me!