Getting Slapped by Strangers in Public (529 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.14 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ikebomber (View user info) at 2004-11-29 21:42:53 EST
Normally, I'm quick on my feet. I usually have the slick explanation and a good lie to get myself out of whatever trouble I've somehow gotten myself into. As a rule, I manage to avoid public humiliation. This is the story of the time I didn't.
It was late in my freshman year of college, and I jumped onto a crowded Boston subway. I was by myself, on my way to meet some friends at a restaurant in Harvard Square. I stood casually clutching the pole and listening to my Discman as the train sped away. I looked around; it was the normal T crowd of middle aged women reading cheap novels, grimacing townies in backwards Red Sox hats, and random college students. Then there was the woman in front of me. She was maybe 26, brunette, and hot. She was dressed in shapely business clothes and nice shoes. She stood facing the front of the car, away from me. I checked out her figure for a while, got bored, and started watching the dark blur of the subway tunnel rushing by.
When the train got to the Central Square it stopped suddenly. Unusually suddenly. People lurched forward, bumping into each other. The guy behind me bumped into me and in turn, I bumped into the brunette in front of me. It wasn't hard or anything, and she didn't really react.
"Sorry," I muttered.
"Huh?" she said looking around. I guess she hadn't even noticed.
"Sorry," I explained, "I kneed your ass."
"What?" The girl squinted at me suspiciously. Maybe she misheard me.
"I just kneed you in the ass. It's not—"
POW! My head jerked to the side as her open palm smacked into my face. Hard. Her well-manicured nails scraped across my cheek. It stung like hell; I had no idea girls could hit that hard. I glanced around in shock, speechless about the random and inexplicable slap I'd just received from a complete stranger on a crowded subway. Everyone in the entire car stared at me with confused looks.
Then I got it. Kneed is a homonym.
"Pervert!" the girl snapped. She glared at me for a second, spun abruptly, and stomped quickly out the doors just as they closed. I looked around, embarrassed and flustered.
"I-I..." I stammered, trying to phrase an explanation. I gave up and plopped down in an open seat. Nearby passengers edged away from me. The middle aged women stared for a moment longer before turning their attention back to their books. I just looked at the dirty floor.
The next stop was mine and I got off laughing. By then it was funny. Dinner was good.
And you, my violent brunette cutie, if you're out there, I actually do need you in the ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by ak_whitebread (user info) at 2005-02-06 07:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A good story indeed... it's not Oregano... but it's very well composed
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is with this rating man, this was hilarious... well done indeed. I'm gonna go home and knee my missus in the ass and use that line. She'll be so impressed I bet she sucks my dick.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd do me
What? What were you expecting?
Pervs.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
very nice
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've actually used that as a pickupline...
About the same results, too...
Submitted by ShatteredDreams (user info) at 2004-11-30 00:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What the ghey?
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, not bad at all.