a day in the lyfe of Chinaski (754 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.17 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chinaski (View user info) at 2004-11-30 00:26:41 EST
I woke up early this morning, this morning being Tuesday and all my classes being on tuesdays/thursdays (I'm over capitalizing the days). There I was, aloof in my loft, laying on my big street-given posturpedic mattress, covers half-on half-off as my alarm suddenly clicked on. I wasn't awake, nor I was I asleep... I was rather in that sort of mindframe where sleep never came fully and you've had a full night of semi-dazed non-REM fitfulness.
Oddly, I had expected nightmares instead, but none had come. You see, I had eaten my nightmare tonic the night before at around 9:30... two greasy-ass, fat-filled, cholesterol-ridden, quick-fried sausages (sweet italian, neiman ranch, c. 2004). These, paired with a pint of Guinness (saving up 22's actually for beer making) should have propelled me into an erradic sleep, bordering on lucidity and peopled sporadically with demons. In fact, many times in the past such a late-night (for waking up at 7, fools) snack had triggered interesting, fun-filled, energy-draining (sometimes exhaustively terrifying) bad dreams.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, last night was not such a night. As I crawled into bed, still moderately high from the pot brownie I had consumed earlier in a futile attempt to combat entropy, (suuure), I knew I was in for a shitty night of crappy pseudo-sleep, denied even my adventerous foray into the darker depths of my mind by whatever cruel fates govern us.
So I woke up, sort of, to the self-centered ramblings of a KPFA newscaster filtering up annoyingly into my detatched little loft. I lay there for 10 minutes, thinking... mainly feeling out my brain function for the day; seeing how things might turn out. Here I was, so many years in the bathtub with my joints, pipes, bongs, brownies, breaks here and there, a half-decade of decadence, or more honestly, addiction. The places I might be without it... the brain functions lost, twisted or destroyed... woah, sorry. Didn't mean to get out of control there.
I swung down my loft ladder like a monkey. It reminded me of a joke, actually. That joke being:
Two monkeys are sitting in a bathtub. The first goes, "Ooo ooo! Ooo ooo ooo AHH AHH AHH!"
The second monkey goes, "If it's so hot, add some cold to it!" Yeah, I heard it on Uber.
Yeah. I chuckled again.
Off went the radio, on went the day's clothes... the slightly less preferred pair of jeans, the boxers (it's getting cold for commando), the boxers outside of the jeans, yeah, that's what I meant, the t-shirt that worked colorwise, the cargo pants material longsleeve... god DAMN, I was looking good! Phloem went Low-em, providing nutrients for my morning wood. Xylem went high-lem, triggering a response in my brain to...
Go downstairs and make breakfast. Two fried eggs, yogurt and granola, a couple pineapple guavas, darjeeling tea with cream and honey (the organic one on sale at staff of life, don't buy it). My stomach buckled in agonized protest. Gas squelched around as I crammed yet more flatulence-inducing foods into it. Intestines squirmed like worms on the hook. A low rumbling alerted me not to make any quick moves or expose myself to loud noises. If I could postpone this avalance, I might be able to make it back to basecamp in time (my sound and stench insulted upstairs bathroom).
Naturally, as I sat down in my seat on the loop bus, Bowel Zeus began tossing lightning bolts left and right. I shifted uncomfortably. A gurgle remiscent of a 1,000 year old sewage blockage slowly unimpeding itself in a buried Roman waste pipe emanated forth. From where, I would have insisted the bus's engine to my disturbed busmates. Several large blocks of marble loosened with the flow's increasing force. There wasn't much time.
"BUS DRIVER!" I shouted, lurching unsteadily to my feet. "OPEN THESE DOORS RIGHT AWAY!" Knuckles white with intensity, I brought myself to the front of the bus.
"YOUNG MAN, SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!" screamed the dreadlocked, "big momma" bus driver.
"NO, I NEED TO GET OFF RIGHT NOW!" Naturally my bodies plentiful phloem couldn't have picked a worse time to start fertilizing my bowel foliage. "NOW! I NEED TO GET OFF NOW!"
The driver's eyes inadvertantly widened as she gazed down at the spectacular debacle unfolding in front of her. At that moment, two things happened. A stray lightning bolt landed on the Roman waste canal, sending detritus everywhere and forcing me to adopt a violent facial tic as I struggled futilely to hold back the flood. And a huge, mature buck bounded in front of the straining, zooming bus.
Pandemonium ensued. The dreadlocked driver, dreading the death of an innocent creature, rammed her foot down on the auto-locking brakes. People flew everywhere. At least 5 large coffees vomitted their contents all over the aisles. And as a terrified buck flew gracefully and safely into the brush, I flew gracefully into a plate-glass window. Peeling myself off the glass in trepidation, feeling the few people who had noticed the secondary explosion gaze at me in renewed and invigorated horror, I weakly reached up and pulled the door-opening lever. As it slowly creaked open, I slid out, sliding all the way down empire grade in water-slide like fashion, eventually catching mad air
off my driveway and landing in my room.
A few chemical baths later, I was sitting in my kitchen, frying up 3 fat sausages and contemplating where I might plant my tree for arbor day...
User Reviews
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-04-06 03:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this can't be true, there was no mention of your homosexuality
Submitted by TE7D (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why hello? Is this the work of the greatest man known? Is this Fife? 2 bonus points
Oh and Shlongy, its alright. We understand that you're prob just a pent up homosexual who expresses his sexual confusion by making gay jokes on online posts. Don't be ashamed.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2005-01-03 23:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. That monkey joke kicked all kinds of ass.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-03 23:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't have to read about this "day in your lyfe" to know there's gayness on your part involved in there somewhere.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-03 23:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for shitting your pants on public transportation.
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:22:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-11-30 20:03:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-11-30 18:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:39:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for botany reference.
We should get together and smoke sometime. You seem like a very interesting person.
_____________________________
I dont know where you live, Jeanneee, but I live in California, in Santa cruz to be exact. Meanwhile, if you'd like to get to know me more, spend a few months listening exclusively to early zeppelin, especially live in texas '69 (ugh *ORGASM*) if you can find it, peppered with lots of early floyd cream etc. you might also try putting 5 packets worth of organic heavenly blue morning glory seeds in a coffee grinder for about a minute, putting the powder in capsules, and swallowing them on a glorious day when you feel like exploring the universe. if you do that it had BETTER be organic and they BETTER ONLY be heavenly blue variety. burpee co worked well.
Submitted by Critical_Mass (user info) at 2004-11-30 11:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-30 11:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
As Larry David says..."aighhh".
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It lost me a couple of times because I'm tired... But I can see this is cleverly written, and conclusive proof that weed does not fuck your head up.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for botany reference.
We should get together and smoke sometime. You seem like a very interesting person.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was rather in that sort of mindframe where sleep never came fully and you've had a full night of semi-dazed non-REM fitfulness."
Yeah, I've got that right now too. I hate 4 plates of Kraft Dinner before going to bed, so I'm a bit...off...right now. It never seems to wear off until about noon, by which time I'm so fucked up from lack of good sleep I start talking to the stapler.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-30 03:31:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ok
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-11-30 03:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no reviews!? deck that game plan!