The "Golden" Years (487 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.33 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ellie Orion <ellie.o.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-30 09:41:17 EST
Silvia Potter was a 67 year old retiree. She'd been married, once, but she divorced her husband at the age of 50 because she wanted to be independent. So independent, in fact, that she hired two top-notch lawyers to wrestle every penny out of her ex-husband's bank account. There were rumors that her name was originally Mary Joe Farnsworth, but nobody dared mention it around Silvia.
One evening, Silvia and her dearest friend Maggie (whom she'd met at the Bushwood Country Club) decided to take a drive to a new seafood restaurant called Smancy's.
"Maggie, dear, I read in Wine Tasters Monthly that Smancy's is the finest seafood place in the whole state. I hear Barbara Streisand was there on opening night!"
"Heavens! Perhaps we'll even bump into her tonight!"
"Oh, posh!"
Silvia drove around the parking lot of the restaurant several times. Like hell she'd walk 10 extra feet. She's Silvia Potter, for fuck's sake! Finally, giving up, she pulled her off-white Mercedes-Benz into a handicapped spot just 5 feet from the door. She was too busy listening to a piece on NPR about the life of Mozart's brother's cat to properly park, so her behemoth German automobile ended up straddling the adjacent handicapped spot.
"Maggie, darling, would you mind fishing through the glove box for my handicapped permit?" As it turns out, all individuals over the age of 65 are inherently handicapped. And Silvia would never know- nor would she even give a damn- that a crippled 53 year old Vietnam Veteran arrived just 10 minutes after her and, unable to park in the only other handicapped spot in the lot, was forced to park some 30 yards from the building. It had rained the night before, so he slipped and fell on his back when he got out of his car. If Silvia noticed the sound of ambulances outside the restaurant, her reaction was not sympathy or even curiosity- she was simply annoyed at the loud noise interrupting her conversation.
"Silvia, dear, what have you been up to all day?" asked Maggie, who donned a straw hat with a ribbon tied around the brim. She told Silvia that she'd purchased the hat from a dear old woman at a farmer's market, while in reality the hat came from a Coldwater Creek catalog.
"Well, you know me. I watched Oprah- have you seen George Clooney lately? He's to die for in that new film of his!"
"He's not as handsome as that Tom Cruise."
"Oh, dear, you're too old for that young man!" They both chuckled.
"So what else did you do?" asked Maggie, distracted by the realization that she'd forgotten to ask her husband, Earl, to tape that afternoon's marathon of Matlock.
"I worked on the garden, and then I went to the bank to write a check to send to the grandchildren. In the evening after I dined, I went through the paper and cut out coupons." It should be noted that Silvia's pronunciation of the word "coupon" could be best described as "kyoo-pan".
"Still cutting out coupons? Haven't you got plenty of money?"
"Well of course, but I save a lot with my coupons," Silvia replied. As a waiter approached their table, she quickly scanned the menu for the most expensive item.
"I'll have the juiciest rock lobster you've got, with a glass of Champagne."
Maggie, practically drooling, timidly ordered a basket of shrimp & French fries. Throughout dinner, Silvia continued to make empty conversation, much to Maggie's annoyance.
"Oh, Maggie, have you ever tasted such delicious seafood? I'd pay $200 for another plate, I swear to you"
I bet you would, thought Maggie. She wondered what her grandchildren were doing, and wished she'd decided to spend the day with them instead of going to a pretentious restaurant with an equally pretentious acquaintance. She worked up the courage to change the subject.
"Did I tell you my granddaughter Stephanie can read now? She's starting to write whole sentences!"
"That's nice, that's real nice. Anyway, dear, I heard the most interesting gossip over at the Country Club today. Apparently, Fred Wilson and Doris Bixby are planning a trip to Hawaii together! And so soon after Doris lost dear old Ralph!"
"Silvia, the last bit of gossip you shared with me was completely untrue. You claimed that Randall Cunningham-"
"-Bought a used Lexus out of the Classifieds!" Silvia's face had become even redder than her $45 rock lobster. "And that's the truth!"
"No, Silvia. He donated his old Lexus to charity. That's not even close to your story. Admit it, Silvia, not only are you a flagrant gossip, but you've become a liar"
Silvia scowled, her lips thin and her eyes raging. "I think we're through here."
"Yes, I do believe we are. I'll call Earl to pick me up." With that, Maggie threw a $10 on the table to cover her half of the bill and stormed off to find a payphone.
When the waiter brought Silvia the check, she glanced at it suspiciously. "Forty-five dollars for that pathetic excuse for a meal? What kind of scam are you running here?"
"Um, sorry ma'am, but you did order a lobster."
"I know damn well what I ordered, and sir, that was no forty-five dollar lobster. I would've had a better meal if I'd eaten out of the dumpster behind TGI Fridays! I won't pay a dime!"
John hated being a waiter because of people like Silvia. In the back of his mind, he dreamed of all the beer he'd drink after work. Just the thought was enough to calm him down enough to deal with her.
"I'm sorry, ma'am. This'll be on the house and I'll grab you a gift certificate for next time."
Silvia shouldered her genuine Italian leather purse and put her hands on her hips. "See that you do."
A few days later, Silvia woke up and realized it was Sunday and she still hadn't gone grocery shopping. She was nearly out the door when she remembered that there was a 30% chance of rain that afternoon. She didn't want to risk mussing her hair or getting her car wet, so she called up her chauffer.
"Henry, listen. I'd like to go grocery shopping at the super market this afternoon. Be here at noon sharp."
"Ma'am, it's Super Bowl Sunday. The market will be packed. You should probably wait and go another-"
"Damn it, Henry, when I want my groceries, I'll get them when I please. I don't pay you for lousy advice; I pay you to drive me during inclement weather! You're fired!"
Silvia did indeed go shopping at the busiest super market in town on the busiest day of the week, only she actually drove herself. She took her time in the narrow aisles, reading labels to make sure her purchases were devoid of carbs- except, of course, for the coffee cake and Tapioca pudding, which she purchased in spades. While waiting in the checkout line, she hastily pushed her cart forward into the back of a toddler's head. The child suffered a mild concussion; in defense Silvia simply played the confused geriatric card. When it was her turn to check out, she complained of the long wait and agrily wrote out her check. She liked to fool people into thinking she was a sweet old grandmother by opting for the checks with teddybears. She hated animals, though. She handed the cashier her check.
"Alright, ma'am. I'll just need your license and then you're all set"
"I wrote a check here two weeks ago, you don't need my license!"
"Sorry, it's our policy. It's for your own security."
"That's ridiculous. I certainly won't be shopping here again!" She reluctantly surrendered her license, and continued to stew over the incident as she loaded up the car. Perhaps she would've reached her boiling point and exploded had a drop of rain not landed on her thinning scalp.
"God damn it, now my car will be all wet and filthy!" On second thought, maybe she had boiled over.
Billy Mac loved driving trucks for a living. He was one of the few that hadn't turned to stimulants to get the job done. The love of the open road and a good Bob Dylan tape was all he needed to keep going.He was driving produce freight to the grocery store when a drunk driver coming from the opposite direction swerved in front of him. Billy meant to steer right, but in his panic he darted to the left, straight into the path of an oncoming car. His 18-wheeler crushed the off-white Mercedes-Benz like tinfoil.
Silvia Potter never saw it coming.
User Reviews
Submitted by Critical_Mass (user info) at 2004-11-30 11:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-11-30 11:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was just beginning to enjoy my harted when you went and killed her off.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He did it on purpose
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Woo! Flattened granny bitch.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That children, is what we like to called 'Pwned'
Say it with me,
PWNED!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:13:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good!
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
smancy is a quality name for a restaurant.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah, nothing puts a smile on my face like comeuppance.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-30 09:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, that bitch got what she deserved. I love it when that happens.