Not Suitable For Work? What The Hell Does That Mean? (1409 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.9 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-12-01 13:32:27 EST
For the first several months at what has become the latest in a seemingly endless procession of pointless jobs into which I have managed to fall, I was housed in a cubicle that was spacious, dimly-lit, and most importantly secluded.
Located in a corner at the end of an aisle, I could proudly point my screen away from the other worker bees and view explicit content to my heart's desire. Whether I was propping my muddy shoes up on my desk, napping, with crusts of culturing drool on both corners of my mouth, or viewing random and unexpected pictures of cock-sucking geriatric men or pictures of Bart heads pasted onto Jenna Jameson bodies, I was contentfully without limits.
There is nothing quite on par with the feeling of masterbating to beastiality porn while taking tech support calls...
Sure you say "eww, what a freak" now, but that's only because you haven't tried it yourself! Much like eating poo...we all ASSUME it's not a pleasant experience, but who's the last person you know who actually TRIED it!? See what I mean!?
Be right back....
...
...
...
...
...ok, so it tastes like shit, so what! I still had a point there that we shouldn't assume anything ever...unless it's which wire to cut to disable the nuclear bomb that's about to go off in 30 seconds. In that case you pretty much have nothing to lose. But, hey, look on the bright side...at least you'll go out with a bang! Get it!?
...bright side!
That reminds me though...if you cut the wrong wire and the bomb goes off in your hands, don't look at the flash, it will blind you, and then you'll end up like Ray Charles...DEAD!
Anyway, the cubicle....it was great.
Just last week, as our company sought to maximize profits in order to fill the Big Boss's "baby needs a new Beamer" coffers, we were moved into a new building with lower rent...
Lower rent, 100% more florescent light, 100% more in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROOM, 50% lower cube walls = 100% less masterbation! What do they expect me to work or somthing!? I can't live in these conditions! A man has basic needs: darkness, isolation from human contact, dreary dungeon-like atmosphere, low-supervision, and animal porn. Is that really too much to ask of an employer!? I think not!
Because of previous experience, I am well aware how misguided it is to think that holding people hostage will change their minds, so I have decided to forego that avenue...
Besides, the hostages are a hassle to maintain. They are demanding and whiny, and only cry louder when pistol-whipped. Furthermore...the negotiators all SAY they are sending the chopper to the rooftop...they all SAY that the paramedics are unarmed. But the choppers never come! The paramedics are always armed!
Here's what I say...I am going to view all the animal and midget porn I want in full view of everyone! And if someone wants to tell me I can't look at it at work, I'll tell them to fucking stop looking at it then!
I think this time I'll request a chopper...as in a big fuck-off motorcycle. They might actually send one of those.
Rage Against the Machine!!!
...now where's my stapler?
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-08 18:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:16:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
how did all this turn out?
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It's interesting you should ask that... We ended up moving right back into the same building we left from about 3 months later. Gotta love the corporate mindset.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And now the award for Best Line Ever goes to:
<opens envelope>
ETS for his classic "don't look at the flash, it will blind you, and then you'll end up like Ray Charles...DEAD! "
Let's give him a big hand.
Electric, do you mind if I call you Electric? Great. Why don't you come up and say a few words.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-08 16:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how did all this turn out?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol electrictoothsyndrome i do believe your a lunatic but from one lunatic to another. Good Stuff man.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 20:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sparkle: yea, everything I do these days can be described with one word....
...not sure 'hot' is the one, but when I figure out what it is, you'll be the first or second to know! :P
I_D: I am glad someone besides myself and Silvr got a kick out of that line. No offense to Ray Charles...
...he can't help that he's dead.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-12-01 19:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-01 19:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"don't look at the flash, it will blind you, and then you'll end up like Ray Charles...DEAD!"
That was both horrible and hilarious at the same time. Good stuff.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 18:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What I'll end up doing is clicking on whatever the hell I want... If it contains nakedness I'll click the back button. If it has death, violence, war, famine, pollution, and corporate apathy I will leave it up, as these things are acceptable in our society.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you going to use common sense and not click on any links that have dirty titles?
There was a problem last night with a post that didn't have NSFW in the title... but it did have the word porn. What was it? Oh! "Could someone please explain this porn to me?"
Someone got irate, but if they had used common sense, it wouldn't have been a problem and they would have known that it actually had porn in it.
Soooo, good luck with that.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, the infrastructure folk are fully capable of viewing URL's that have been accessed at work. That's why I try to keep the porn to a minimum. Because in our society it is bad to look at naked chicks but okay to look at decapitated midgets.
Oh, and fair warning--if a female coworker walks by and sees porn on your screen she can actually claim sexual harassment against you, thus getting you fired, fined, and jailed. With no lube, if you catch my drift. Luckily, it hasn't happened to me, but I've heard some stories from my boss.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:48:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-01 15:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I do not miss corporate America.
I do, however, miss corporate America's paychecks.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 15:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have this bad habit of saying things twice twice.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 15:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It really sucks now because I have to actually pay attention to the NSFW signs now.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-01 15:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my buddy got fired for having adult sites under his computer profile at work. now i just log on using his old screenname. wonderful midget/animal/granny porn flowing into the office!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ray Charles
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-01 14:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just last week, as our company sought to maximize profits in order to fill the Big Boss's "baby needs a new Beamer" coffers, we were moved into a new building with lower rent...
hahaha.. i soooo hear that one!
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I worked at a company one time that bought a new "company" ski boat (kept at the "company" lake house, ie. bosses house) but they couldn't afford a christmas bonus for any of us peons.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All I wanted was the basement! Oh, the humanity!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just last week, as our company sought to maximize profits in order to fill the Big Boss's "baby needs a new Beamer" coffers, we were moved into a new building with lower rent...
hahaha.. i soooo hear that one!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu can always work in the lobby like me...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know what to get you.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I masturbated.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not suitable for work either.