The Man, The Law, Justice, And Humpin' Pregnant Teens (758 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.5 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chinaski (View user info) at 2004-12-01 15:41:55 EST
On the fine sunny morning of april 19th, 2004, I stepped on the Man's toes. And I stepped down hard. I shattered bones, gout crystals, arthritic joints, and whatever else lives inside that hoary old Bastard's feet. I went farther than I'd ever gone before, essentially projectile vomitting in the face of society.
Yes, you guessed it. On that fateful morning, I slowly cruised through a stopsigned intersection on my bicycle. HORROR OF HORRORS!
As I breathed in the scent of pines and clean air, high from my 2-hour classic rock radio show which had ended only moments ago, I had only one thing on my mind- getting some fine pregnant teenage pussy.
That's when I heard the telltale growl of a pig's motorcycle revving up. FUCK! I instantly put 2 and 2 together, like a cock sliding into some willing teenage poon. I had only one choice- bike hard! So hard I biked, with the motorcycle right behind me. As I reached the next intersection, I casually leapt off my bike, picked it up, and began running down some stairs.
"STOP! YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE!" screamed an ornery pig from behind me. A whistle blew shrilly. Fuck... I have to admit, Uber, I chickened out. I stopped and turned around. A furious, red-faced pig was standing behind me.
"Oh... I was late to class Officer... didn't know you were talking to me..."
I'll spare you the boring details, but I was pleased that many of my collegiate peers made faces at the pig behind his back as he issued me the 127$ ticket for threatening freedom by biking through a stop sign like a red communist.
Anyway, I put the ticket behind me, by intelligently deciding not to pay it. Doubtlessly, the Man would realize the error of his ways and rescind his improper punishment! I went home for the summer to glorious San Francisco.
I came back to school this fall to find several letters in my mailbox. Opening them, I was overjoyed to find the fine was now up to 267$. Oh joy of joys! So I went down to court to begin my fight.
Well, I got a court date, and eventually it rolled around. As I sat on the bench, I saw to my dismay that "my" pig was in court. As people all around me got excused due to the absences of their respective pigs, I sank lower in my seat, depressed.
Then I got called up to the bench... the bench of Justice! This is after three hours of sitting in purgatory, of course, while other terrorists got punished for such lawless crimes as watching the sunset from private property, etc...
The Judge was an austere, obese woman who reminded me of my highschool "American Studies" (bullshit) class. The same class I used to climb out of the back window of while the teacher had her back turned. Perhaps I could pull a similar stunt here?... but no, there were no windows.
The Judge listened to me plead my case. And, me being a middle-class white male, she listened good. I begged her to drop the secondary charges, which she did. Then I asked if I might do volunteer work instead of paying the fine. "Certainly", mooed the Cow of Justice.
I made my way a few days later to the Court Referral Volunteer office. "Just call up a place in that book," they instructed. So I paged through the book, eventually coming across the entry for the "Siena House". Gardening duty, within biking distance of my house... sounded good! I called the woman and made arrangements to start volunteering there. But first, that woman spoke a few words which warmed my soul and made me believe in the power of the Law:
"Are you aware that we house pregnant teenagers who can't afford a place to live?"
I'll be bringing my own gardening hose to the job!
User Reviews
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Who blew that smell?
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-01 19:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Got a bit slow in the middle, but ended well.
Worth reading.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:25:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to think something good can always come from soemthing bad.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you use your penis to wash your car?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Felt like the end was missing, and you must love Godlovesalittlelovin and DonkeyOntheEdge's work. This kind of writing style with randomness reminds me of their stuff...kinda
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:31:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gardening hoses are made of rubber... you didn't think I'd be using my PENIS, did you!?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to wear a rubber.