Long John Silver's is making my bowel movements feel like cement but I still love them (1861 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.61 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tony Montana <Tony.Montana.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-01 16:04:54 EST
My medical school has deported me to a small rural town about 2 hours away from my Philadelphia apartment. I have just been transplanted from my comfortable and spacious apartment, replete with every technological and aesthetic ammenity imaginable...to a tiny, non-diverse city and am living in a small house which I share with 3 other people. There is one bathroom for the 4 of us, and I share my bedroom with a guy who snores so loud it prompted me to buy earplugs. I am going to be here for the next month...and I have no complaints. Why? you may ask...the answer is because there is a Long John Silver's within 2 minutes of driving distance.
In a time when obesity has gotten so prevalent and serious it has been labeled an "epidemic" (the same label applied to the bubonic plague), when every restaurant under the sun is making a supreme effort to appeal to the health-consciousness of America, Long John Silver's has proudly declared that they just do not give a fuck.
Despite all the public outcry over fast-food chains being responsible for our nation's ever-expanding collectively fat ass, what Americans really want is food that tastes great and is served quickly and Long John Silver has stood up on his stereotypical wooden prosthetic leg and answered that call. I went to Long John Silver's today and ordered a generous piece of battered fish, a large chicken "plank", french fries, 2 testicular shaped things called "hushpuppies", and a medium coke. At any restaurant in the country such a meal would take at least 45 minutes to prepare and fetch no less than 15 of your American dollars. But at Long John Silver's, this sumptuous banquet was served to me in literally under one minute and cost me a grand total of FOUR DOLLARS AND TWENTY-THREE CENTS. And the taste was exquisite...they took the liberty of deep frying the living shit out of it. The box the food came in even looked it had a run in the fryer.
After my chest pain subsided and I regained my vision, I began to wonder...what would the good people at the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion (CNPP, http://www.usda.gov/cnpp/index.html) have to say about my decision to sup with Mister Long John Silver? I visited their site and looked at their recommendations. I then picked a few of their recommendations at random and attempted to see if Long John Silver came even close to satisfying any of them. Needless to say, he did not.
Here are the results:
(all values are calculated using the nutritional calculator that Big Long John provides on his website: http://ljsilvers.com)
#1. The CNPP recommends that you "Aim for a healthy weight," and attempt to keep your BMI (body mass index, i.e., your weight in kilograms divided by the square of your height in meters) in a healthy range (19-25).
Long John Silver disagrees. With my modest meal weighing in at a little under a thousand calories and a whopping 33 grams of fat (52% of your daily allowance), it would only take a few more of these to make you give up your dream of ever making eye contact with either your toes or your penis.
2. The CNPP recommends that you be physically active each day, and aim to accumulate at least 30 minutes of moderate physical activity for most days of the week, preferably daily.
Once again Long John says fuck off. You may be wearing sweatpants more often, but that's only because regular pants don't fit anymore...unless you ask your mom to sew two regular pants together to make room for your balloon seat. Eating 50% of your daily allowance in saturated fat in one meal will do that to you.
3. The CNPP recommends that you choose a variety of fruits and vegetables (at least 2 servings of fruit and 3 servings of vegetables) daily in order to prevent chronic disease and to promote healthy bowel function.
INCORRECT! according to Senor Long John. Long John Silver's offers NO fruits or vegetables whatsoever (they offer salads but that's like ordering one of those decorative hot dogs at Apu's Kwik-E-Mart). And as I am typing this I am suffering from a particularly intense bout of inflammatory bowel disease and am about to shit out the fecal equivalent of a Mack truck.
4. The CNPP recommends that you choose and prepare foods with less salt, as high salt intake is associated with elevated blood pressure.
Long John Silver has two words for that: "Bitch Please." With a whopping 70% of your daily allowance of sodium coming from this one meal, your blood pressure is going to be high enough to hydroelectrically power Star Jones' many refrigerators for a solid year.
Long John Silver knows all about this and gues what, he simply does not give a fuck. He is going to do what he does best and heed the call of Americans by offering the greasiest, fattiest, most delicious food on the planet and I fully intend on sticking by that muthafucker's side til the bitter end.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-02-13 15:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was under the assumption that eating food was a personal choice of where when and how, not a forced requirement set to a specific place.
Still want to eat unhealthy food, but maintain your toe seeing skills, then walk there.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-13 15:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
its official - you are a nigger
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-03-28 23:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha stabkill...you fucking dork. are you upset because you're an almost 40 year old piece of shit with no life and no woman? don't hate on me because i've achieved things and continue to do so while you spend hours and hours creating accounts on ubersite and brag about "flaming" people before they were born.
and the reason you don't hear doctors talk like i do is because:
a.) i'm young, i'm only 24 right now.
b.) most doctors don't associate with pieces of shit like you on a social level. i'm sure those nice docs at the free clinic will ask you how your day is, but for the most part, they just want your dirty creepy ass to get the fuck lost.
_______________________________________________________________________
jesus god, please don't ever become a Navy Doctor.
If I end working with you, I will kick you in the fucking throat.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-03-28 23:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you want to literally shit a brick?
go a whole week on nothing but mre's.
you will not shit that entire week.
when you do....
it will look like a fucking brick, and have "MRE" stamped on it.
just an FYI
love,
The RockDocc
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-28 22:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fuckin' hate you but this post is +2 worthy.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-09-27 04:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a cocksucking fuckhead.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-23 09:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ohhhhhhh, I see. You're in med school so you think that makes you better than everyone else.
PLEASE.
I've known many people like you and you're all the same. Talk all the shit you want, bigshot. It doesn't bother me.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-14 13:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this is pretty funny.
Submitted by SantaClaus (user info) at 2004-12-14 15:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If I gave you a present for Christmas, you'd complain about it so you get nothing.
Submitted by jakesak (user info) at 2004-12-14 13:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would still be eating at LJS for free, and working there, if they hadn't closed. It was funny how we didn't care, and how fatting the food was.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-12-14 12:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha stabkill...you fucking dork. are you upset because you're an almost 40 year old piece of shit with no life and no woman? don't hate on me because i've achieved things and continue to do so while you spend hours and hours creating accounts on ubersite and brag about "flaming" people before they were born.
and the reason you don't hear doctors talk like i do is because:
a.) i'm young, i'm only 24 right now.
b.) most doctors don't associate with pieces of shit like you on a social level. i'm sure those nice docs at the free clinic will ask you how your day is, but for the most part, they just want your dirty creepy ass to get the fuck lost.
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 15:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tony is the next Stabkill obsession!!!
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-12 04:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"I'm going to have a MD attached to my name" brag brag brag, lie lie lie..etc....
You are going to be one of these "MD"s who get arrested for botched and illegal surgeries. You're a fraud, moron.
I've never heard ANYONE with an "MD" talk the way you do. You are a jackass. The money won't roll into you because you are a dickhead and you're likely to have your ass sued and you're going to have your face kicked in.
You're a piece of shit on the highest order, TonyMontana. Bragging about being a "MD" while your posts suggest you are welfare trash? You're worthless.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-12 03:54:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh yeah, I gave you a 0 when it should have been a -2. I was thinking about how many friends you must have at the time I rated instead of actually rating your stuff on what it is worth. 0.
You are not original in the least bit.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-12-09 17:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
adam, if my response to your bullshit sounds similar each time, maybe it's because your shitty work elicits the same complaint from me...NOT FUNNY. and by the way asshole, when i rated your shit a -2, i was rating the post, not the user. learn to do the same, fuckwad.
and as for my own success, i'm going to have an MD attached to the end of my name in less than 6 months. while that in itself isn't some huge, crowning achievement, it's a hell of a lot more than your dumb ass will ever accomplish.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:13:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
why do you fags think that anything that has pictures and text deserves an automatic +2? This shit was just not funny. It was a bunch of gay ass 8th grade humor slapped onto some pictures of uber users and other random bullshit.
no wonder the vast majority of you are, and will always be, poor.
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The same old fucking comments over and over. Fuck man if you're going to be such a prick at least be original.
"no wonder the vast majority of you are, and will always be, poor." Oh yea, because I'm so fucking sure that you are just a wonderful sucess in everything you do, that's why you parade around like such a bitter asshole. Get fucking real. Mommy and Daddy's money does not = Your money (at least until their dead)
Submitted by Zombie_Reagan (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God hates queers.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-07 18:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus loves you.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for anything deep fried! At the state fair they sell deep fried Twinkies...you gotta love that.
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-12-05 00:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
F
U
C
K
Y
O
U
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!
!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-01 20:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's interesting because "fast food" - for example, the Quizno's Italian that I had about two hours ago - makes me shit with the texture of Niagara Falls, only with a much faster flow.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I am a big fan of chili cheese fries and cold cold rootbeer. As a result, I am a HUGE fan of A&W resturants (which they sadly do not have where I live). FORTUNATELY, in Indiana, where I used to spend a fair chunk of my time, they do have A&W resturants. UNFORTUNATELY, they shared the same building as the producer of the worlds most disgusting smells: Long John Silvers.
LJS makes me want to puke. This post made me want to puke. Not that it is a bad post, but because it made me think of that disgusting fish-smelling craphole of an 'eatery'.
HATE.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-01 17:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They don't have those in Massachusetts, at least not where around where I live.
I'll take your word for it.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd say -2 because you're a pompous, arrogant, lying fuck
+2 Cause this was actually well written
an even zippo for you it is
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:24:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
Y'know what's the best at LJS? The clam strips! OMFG! Ultra-Delicious! And only ONE DOLLAR! I order them 3 boxes at a time!
Also, your essay applies equally well to Popeye's Fried Chicken, btw.
==================================================================================================
Popeyes has the Best Chicken EVAR!!!
LJS is good grub too, if you don't mind the associated health risks
Submitted by Luckylacquer (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I just made arrangements to have it waiting at my house for when I walk in the door. Curses to you for mentioning the sweet sweet nectar of the gods. (No, really, BLESS you!)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Y'know what's the best at LJS? The clam strips! OMFG! Ultra-Delicious! And only ONE DOLLAR! I order them 3 boxes at a time!
Also, your essay applies equally well to Popeye's Fried Chicken, btw.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
never been to a long john silvers, but this was good.
Submitted by Luckylacquer (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just drooled heavily all over myself. And now am dreaming of the sweet sweet breading my tongue so desires to contact. DAMN you for making me hungry when I still have an hour left of work. But GOOD GOD I love Long John's.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll just have to take your word for it - white folks aren't allowed to eat at Long John Silver's in my town.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-01 16:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So fucking what?