D'oh! A deer. (1145 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.85 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <uberaj.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-02 12:58:38 EST
Ah, hunting season in the Midwest.
It's upon us once again. A time for camaraderie, outdoorsman ship, and the chance to show that little shit Bambi what for. But in today's day and age, hunting isn't what it used to be. The equipment is more sophisticated, the deer are more plentiful, and the number of rednecks out there looking to 'shoot me somethin' big' is growing exponentially. It's a dangerous sport right now. Every time you hear a gunshot, you wonder if that's Mr. Klima out after pheasants, or if it's a crazy Vietnamese guy in the wrong tree stand. One can never be too sure. But thankfully, there are those that still take hunting seriously and jovially.
Dave is one such person.
I met Dave at school. He was a pretty cool guy. Dave was an avid outdoorsman with a penchant for throwing cool parties and letting people crash at his house. He drove around in a beater of a pickup during the winter, like many Iowans do. It met his needs. He could use four wheel drive, haul groceries, and use it to go hunting. It was the perfect vehicle for him.
Perfect, that is, until Dave hit a deer.
In the "city" of Cedar Rapids, the population is growing rapidly due to a high influx of white-collar jobs. The town is becoming less and less Quaker Oats, and more and more Aegon, MCI, and US bank. When the new money moved in, the deer didn't take their pink slip. It's not a foreign occurrence to see a deer running across I-380, desperately hoping to make it across before being pulverized by a Mack truck, so it came as no surprise to Dave when he hit one himself.
Getting out to observe the damage, Dave saw that the deer was too mangled to salvage any meat out of, and had taken his bumper off of the truck. So as any red-blooded Iowan would do, Dave went Happy Gilmore on its ass. The deer took his bumper, so he took the deer's head. Tit for tat. But the question remained, what was Dave going to do with a fucking deer head?
A whole hell of a lot.
After taking the head home, he stuffed it into the freezer in the basement, saving it for a later date...
Dave had a house with a few roommates. One of said roommates was always late paying for his share of the bills. Cable, phone, utilities, you name it. He was always late with it. Part of the reason was that the only time he was at the house was when he slept or brought his vegetarian girlfriend home. One month, Dave got fed up with the bullshit of the bills, and shut off the power to the guy's room and locked the breaker box. Didn't faze the guy, he just went about his normal routine.
Dave began to get a bit upset at this. He didn't know what to do. Then he remembered that he had a frozen deer head in his chest freezer. He seized the opportunity to play one of the sickest pranks ever. While his roommate was away, he went into his bedroom with a flashlight, and put the head on top of the kid's headboard. Later that night, the roommate came home, his vegetarian girlfriend in tow. This was going better as planned. Dave waited outside the bedroom door, trying not to hear what was inevitably sex going on in the room. All of a sudden he heard a thump.
Dave's roommate: What the fuck was that???
Vegetarian girlfriend: I don't know, turn on the light.
Dave's roommate: I can't, the power's shut off. This thing is fucking cold.
Dave burst into the room with a flashlight, shining it in on them. The vegetarian girlfriend was still straddling Dave's roommate, and the deer head was lying on his chest, staring up at him wide-eyed and tongue out. Dave shut the flashlight off as a look of horror washed over his roommate's face and the vegetarian started screaming.
Dave never had a problem with bills again.
The deer head spent the rest of the winter on the porch, staring out at the street and scaring the shit out of Christmas carolers and Jehovah's witnesses.
User Reviews
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-01-26 05:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good old fashioned redneck fun. Nice one.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-13 00:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-17 20:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHHAA
cunt
Submitted by Academy (user info) at 2004-12-17 19:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-12 15:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, no!!!!
Anything but a -2!!!
Idiot.
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 15:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
AJ = Salad tossing fagg.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I always love how the conversations in my reviews evolve.
Shandy, venison is wonderful meat. Better than beef, even. But not veal. Veal trumps all. I'm not sure about their vaginas, but I can imagine they're due for a shave.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People think AJ's a bitch?
God I'm such a *cringe* noob.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:31:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
That was my first reaction to this post. But it ended rather nicely, so +2.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dough, the stuff that buys me beer.
Ray, the guy who sells me beer.
Me, the guy (/gal) who's drinking beer.
Far, a long way to go for beer.
So, I'll have another beer.
La, I'll have another beer.
Tea, no thanks I'm having beer.
And that'll bring us back to D'OH!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad aj.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
does deer taste good?
they are sexy and beautiful little creatures
what sort of vaginas do they have?
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-12-02 17:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I clicked this window a while ago, and I don't remember what message I was trying to rate, nor do I remember what I wanted to rate it, so here's a plus two.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-02 16:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52514
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Deer heads. You copy-cat.
I joke. My story isn't even a tenth as amusing as this one is. And mine is pretty fucking amusing. Rock on.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-02 16:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Leave Bambi alone. Savages.
(But if you happen to have an extra venison lying around, I'd be happy to take it off of your hands...)
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-12-02 15:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking unbelievable. I love it.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-02 14:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a great story
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-02 14:01:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny story. no pic of the vegetarian chic?
and also, minor detail, but the dude who went crazy and shot up all of those hunters is what's called "Hmong". they're some type of mountain people related to mongolians.
vietnamese are gooks and chinese are chinks. asian people hate being called racial slurs, but it annoys them even more when you can't even get the right slur, right.
yeah, i don't know why i added that but i figured that i should.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:43:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
ARCHERY CLUB???!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I went to car robbing club.
---
That's right Apollo. An archery club, the Whiteleaf Bowmen to be exact. We had a great club badge and motto and everything. Humph.
Besides, we don't have cars in Norfolk and a traps no good without a pony.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:38:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I shot a rabbit once with my bow. I was actually aiming for the paper target on the hay bale which was about 10 yards to the right and 30 yards closer.
I claimed it though. I was the talk of the archery club for at least a day, yet another proud moment for the Dervel memoirs. """""
ARCHERY CLUB???!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I went to car robbing club.
Hey remember when AJ was a prick?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:26:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanna know why theres all this talk about how everyone thinks AJ is a little bitch, but then you see one of his posts and its got like 1.7 for a rating.
anyone?
~*~*~*~*~*~
Cause he's a little bitch when he reviews other people's posts. It doesn't mean his posts suck.
Isn't that right, Bitch?
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop camwhoring, dammit!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shot a rabbit once with my bow. I was actually aiming for the paper target on the hay bale which was about 10 yards to the right and 30 yards closer.
I claimed it though. I was the talk of the archery club for at least a day, yet another proud moment for the Dervel memoirs.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HELLAFUCKAYEA!!!!
Holy shit, I think I just sharted...
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You redneck.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:26:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanna know why theres all this talk about how everyone thinks AJ is a little bitch, but then you see one of his posts and its got like 1.7 for a rating.
anyone?
--------------------
He is a little bitch but he is getting pretty good at making me laugh. But he is still a little bitch that much is certain.
Funny guy, maybe.
Little bitch, yes.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanna know why theres all this talk about how everyone thinks AJ is a little bitch, but then you see one of his posts and its got like 1.7 for a rating.
anyone?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh...
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, now I read it.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn, you just reminded me that i haven't shot anything in a while.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear
it's coming right at us!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
comeuppance
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm. I don't know how this post got me inspired, but it did.
To kill? To convert people? I dunno.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor Bambi.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did a similar thing one time. Except the head went into the back seat of the guy's car.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good title and story
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my only hunting experience: sitting in the woods for 7 hours, getting piss drunk, then driving home, hitting a deer with my car, and hauling it to the slaughterhouse to be "cleaned."
I was a vegetarian for 6 years. It was a senseless ploy to spend some father-son time with my dad. Big mistake.
BTW, my car's repair damage hit the $4000 mark. It was a year old.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the funniest thing i've read all day.
Usually, I scare Jehovah's Witnesses off by answering the door in my boxers, but i'll have to bear that tactic in mind.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-02 12:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very
valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
Bart After Dark