I Need Someone To Send Me Their Baby So I Can Pick Up Women (25103 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.98 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2004-12-02 18:13:09 EST
Yesterday I decided to have a day off of work and take every drug I could imagine. Ecstasy, Valium, Marijuana, Peyote, Acid, my dad's onion dip, and I possibly swallowed a few pounds of carpet from laying on the floor for four hours and chewing on it. The phone rang a few times but I just yelled some curse words at it and it stopped. I spent the whole afternoon drawing paintings of pencils and ice cream. Rocky Road motherfucker, that's right, that's hard to draw. All the little chunks and shit...
I eventually came down and ate some turkey still left over from Thanksgiving. My phone started blowing up this time, even the f-bomb couldn't stop it. I picked up the phone expecting Morpheus to tell me I was the one but was shocked to hear my friend Brad on the other end. Brad is a douche and I hate him as I do all my friends so I wasn't really pumped to hear from him, and he was pushing me to take care of his kid so he could go get some tail. Real class act.
"Isn't there like a baby club ran by a rapper or something you can go to for god's sake? I'm not in the mood to..."
"You gotta help me buddy please! I gotta go to Diamonds tonight cause Elise is dancing. She totally wants me man, every time I get a dance she's like...you know...smiling...and one time I swear to god she tried to kiss me on my ear. Are you going to deny me the right to possibly get-it-on with a stripper? Ever since my girl Jamie died giving birth to our baby I've had a really hard time getting back in the scene you know?"
"That's not really what I would consider a scene but all I know is she better be hot. You know i'm down with sloppy seconds. I don't understand why or how you are calling me. Didn't I burn down your house two weeks ago because I was drunk and thought it was a giant parrot?"
"I had to move back in with my parents, but it's cool, except for the fact that dad is still obsessed with backgammon. I still don't understand that game at all. They're out tonight probably banging and I really ain't got any other friends, so..."
"You are a sad excuse for a man you know that? Bring over your baby, but I will not guarantee it's survival."
"Give me a percentage."
"43%"
.........
"Better than I thought it would be. I'll be there in 15."
Brad arrived and threw his child out the window in what appeared to be a cardboard box. There was a note on it.
Yo Yo YO!
Thanks for taking care of the brat. Be back tomorrow.
Brad
P.S.- her name is Nat.
What care and craftsmanship, and god the time spent on this. The box was stuffed with tissue paper and a baby that was really sad because it was crying really loud. I just laughed at her for a second and called her a bastard child before I picked her up and brought her inside.
"Alright then, I am totally disregarding your name and calling you baby from now on. You can't expect me to remember it now can you? I mean, come on now baby."
She laughed at me for a good minute. Wow, this chick was awesome! And she doesn't talk! I think I'm in love!
"So, you dating anyone recently? Got your eye on that goofy kid with six toes don't you? You need a real man in your life, baby."
Again the laughter! Now she's just trying to be a tart and get me to like her! I hate it when people try too hard so I got turned off, and realized she was probably incapable of handling someone so smoking hot such as myself.
"Alright, it's like 9:30 so....want to go to a bar?"
The baby started crying and throwing her little fists in the air like she could actually do something to me. Why do women always want me to stay in and watch movies? Do you fear that I will have sex with someone at the bars? You should.
"I will not have this baby! No woman restricts my right to drink. Don't tread on me godammit!"
She cried even harder. To hell with this, she's going. Maybe she'll calm down once I get a shot of some Grey Goose vodka in her. God that stuff is water i'm telling ya.
We hit The Orbit for a few games of pool with the locals and I was planning on getting trashed beyond belief. Thank god that baby can drive.
As soon as I walked in the place I was swarmed by women ranging in age from 21-24. They were so interested in this baby and my willingness to take care of it. They got a little testy when one of them said I was a sleazeball for taking a baby to a bar, but I just denounced her faith and said she hates god and gives satan rimjobs in a church. No one talked to that lady the rest of the night.
"So baby, you can really pick up the chicks! What's your secret?"
The baby stared at me and just shouted. She shouted and shouted. Then she cockblocked me to the extreme by puking all over the pool table. Not cool man, I had a shot on the nine ball and could have won fifty bucks. The women slowly retreated and I found myself alone with a baby and vomit. Dismayed, I took the baby home and fed it some Cheetohs, figuring she needed something greasy in her stomach after a hardcore night of partying, I think.
I awoke the next day and checked to see if she was still crashed from the night before. She was sleeping peacefully on the counter, without a care in the world. I thought to myself, "godamn, that's one ugly baby". I grabbed my phone and called Brad to see how the previous night went...
"So, did you hook up with Elise the stripper?"
"Dude, get this, she's got, like, the crabs, and, oh you won't believe this, man, she was totally, like totally, african-american."
"What the fuck? Wouldn't you notice something like that off the bat you dumbass?"
"She used this powder and she looked Latino! Jesus, my dad is gonna kill me if he ever finds out I tried to do, you know.......a negro."
"Well, your secrets safe with me dipshit. Come by and pick up your baby."
"How did Nat do last night?"
"Who the fuck is Nat?"
"You..didn't read?"
"Just pick up your kid godammit! I've got things to do like watch tennis and eat deoderant! Don't bother knocking or anything either, she's outside for easy access."
"You left her outside?"
"She's fine man, happy as whatever the fuck is really happy. You might have to look for her though, I made sure she blended in with the background so no one would steal her."
"What? What did you do to her?"
"Settle down she's alive. I dressed her up that's all. Too bad you have an ugly baby, wouldn't have broken my camera with her face."
"You mother---!"
<click>
So ubersite, what I request from you is information. Is your child a surefire cutey who doesn't vomit every time it goes to a bar? Then tell me so I can harrass you into sending me your child! That's right! After I sleep with 45 women I will ship your child back with a basket of assorted meats and cheeses! I will take a picture of your child surrounded by hot chicks, ensuring him that at one time he was attractive and not covered with acne and disgusting hair. Could it possibly be your child I write about next time? Make sure it is! Send me those godamn babies!
User Reviews
Submitted by jblum (user info) at 2009-07-08 11:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice sir
Submitted by Prontod (user info) at 2009-01-27 21:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i fuckin love deoderant!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-10 16:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-03-24 03:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You are a sad excuse for a man you know that? Bring over your baby, but I will not guarantee it's survival."
"Give me a percentage."
-------------------------------------
BAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-03-24 02:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 03:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was hard to decide, but I think the best line could have been "Send me those godamn babies!"
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-10-20 01:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-12-11 16:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sick motherfucker...
Submitted by refusenik (user info) at 2005-12-11 15:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dirtycyberdawg (user info) at 2005-08-28 13:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-28 13:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hael (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic B@W, bloody funny.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-02 03:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've reviewed, but never read it.
Sorry.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-02 03:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i read it but never reviewed. my apologies.
Submitted by TragicKingdom (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She's fine man, happy as whatever the fuck is really happy"
nice!
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm either having serious deja vu or i forgot to rate this before...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2004-12-30 05:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ace
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey man...You know what gets women hornier than anything? TWINS.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-15 05:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hEY MAN, CAN'T i BE pUTTING NO BUTCHES IN THAT ONET.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
teh funnay
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-13 20:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As compensation for your valuable bored at work production, the mafia has authorized me to offer you a single Italian necktie style murder, at no cost to you.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-13 17:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BORED AT MOTHERFUCKING WORK!!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-13 16:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love bart with every ounce of essence that is within me.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-13 15:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W again! Never going to overtake you now. Lucky bastard.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee hee!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until I snorted and I snorted until I peed a little.
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I come to this website.
+2.com
Submitted by Da_Blonde_Cajun (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! Stop being so funny so I can get some work done.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:50:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bring over your baby, but I will not guarantee it's survival."
"Give me a percentage."
"43%"
thanks for fighting the good fight.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:15:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
i think we should have 50000 babies together
----------------------------------------------
Do you know the dough we could rake in from welfare if we had that many kids? I imagine we'll lose thousands of them in the long run, but count me in.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think we should have 50000 babies together
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-03 08:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-03 00:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus on a jet ski, I need some sleep. Stop being funny, all y'all. Please.
........Don't make me put my beer down.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rocky Road motherfucker, that's right, that's hard to draw. All the little chunks and shit... "
plus 2 right there, i am gonna go read the rest now
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:19:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
If this isn't B@W material, nothing is.
----
Can't say it? Let someone else say it for you.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
[I thought to myself, "godamn, that's one ugly baby"]
Word fail me, friend...
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister gives birth in February if you can wait... I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you borrowed the kid.
Submitted by goleafsgo (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BRAVO GOOD SIR!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah...this is a +2. What the fuck was I thinking back there...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is like Jordan dropping 50. scoring at will.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Can't help you with that...but would a Baby Ruth candy bar be of any assistance in your plight?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I possibly swallowed a few pounds of carpet from laying on the floor for four hours and chewing on it.
i laughed a lot. good post. it must be nice to be you.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest post ive read in a while.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this isn't B@W material, nothing is.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
7 Police officers just bashed my door down and stormed my house, only to tell me to +2 this post.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey said this post is gold. He read it while he banged some broad that was bent over the computer chair. His hands are a little busy right now, so please excuse him.
Carry on.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Didn't I burn down your house two weeks ago because I was drunk and thought it was a giant parrot?"
Yeah, that's how I'm going to be tonight.
And my dad is really into backgamon. He even directs tournaments.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post insisted I give it a +2.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:19:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pederast.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the king.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeh sure that's what you say.
That's what you SAY!
But i've heard different.
Oh yes, i've heard very, very different.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
I'll give you a clue. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
There's the rub...
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bring over your baby, but I will not guarantee it's survival."
"Give me a percentage."
"43%"
-------
Another one of those posts where you score at will.
I'd offer up my daughters, but we both know what happened last time I fell for that.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Just amazing.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:33:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn good read. i chuckled and chortled then got a beer out of the fridge.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:25:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, the 6-day drought is over. Had to rely on Apollo for my utter randomness fix. Gaston make another move on you?
----------------------------------------------------
He came to the door yesterday and tried to sell me some knives. He was all dressed up in the trenchoat with sunglasses, god, it was so funny watching him fly through the air after I kicked him in the stomach.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, the 6-day drought is over. Had to rely on Apollo for my utter randomness fix. Gaston make another move on you?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even know where to begin.
I laughed.
Laughed some more.
Laughed even harder.
I now have jaw bone smiley pains.
Fantastic.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t I was first so have another.
-Davros
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-02 18:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She laughed at me for a good minute. Wow, this chick was awesome! And she doesn't talk! I think I'm in love! "
Am I first to say +2 for this alone.
Plus too much more for me to remember.
GOLD.
-Davros