Have to Grow Up Sometime (697 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nomad <Drainoe.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-02 19:52:51 EST
Sob story. Whatever. Truthfully, I need to write. And I need to not be the only one that reads it.
Maybe that's why I keep coming here. Sometimes I post stupid stuff for a laugh. Sometimes I whine, probably because I'm not a very strong person. Sometimes I get deep.
Forget all that.
I've never met anyone like myself before. Others like me don't seem to exist.
There are things about me that I think are great. I'm intelligent. I'm empathic. I'm very good at seeing things in full scope. Yet I am unable to be in the picture.
Sometimes I think that people like me are supposed to be dead. I'm not supposed to make it. I was supposed to snub myself out years ago, yet for some reason I keep hanging on.
In a sense I did. Here's some honesty:
I spent my teenage years in reform school and groups homes. Not because I was a bad kid. Because I was a disfunctional kid. At times I have been dark, pitch black, heartless. Take everything I could, then take more. Wrapped up in my own pain.
Pain that I shouldn't have felt, but did, because my mind wasn't quite working right. Too much. Far too much emotion. To call me a sensitive guy would be inaccurate. Just call me downright crazy instead.
I managed to get most of my high school credits. I must have gone to five different high schools in my time. But I dropped out, and in essence I suppose I did kill myself.
I escaped myself. For a long, long time.
I wrapped myself in other roles, other lives. I spent the better part of a year on my ass infront of a computer, or a television. I simply forgot who I was.
Finally, after over a year, I went to a vocational school where I succeeded. Very well. I got my high school diploma. Numerous awards. The whole nine yards.
And here I am, all of a sudden an adult, on my own, yet not self sufficent with anyone to back me up. No where to go. No sense of myself. No nothing.
A girlfriend that doesn't have the energy to be compassionate, or even most of the time considerate. She is my social life, and I have to wonder why the hell she is with me. When I ask myself that question I get only one response, right from my gut, saying, "I don't know. But I do know that whatever the reason is, it's not good."
I work in corporate america. I can't relate to anyone there. I don't go to college. I wouldn't relate to them.
Unless I think very, very hard on it, I can't remember the last 5 years of my life. From 13 - 21 there is a massive gap that my brain has blocked from surfacing.
I live with my Aunt and Uncle and thier three children. My Aunt is out of controll most of the time and is becoming increasingly bitter towards me.
I was thinking to myself, that if I were on an airplane and it were crashing, I would have one of two options. Cry and whine about it, screaming "Oh god no, I don't want to die! why me, whhhyyy?!!"
Or, I could enjoy the ride.
I was thinking that I ought to start looking at my life that way. Because it's not pretty, it's not going to be pretty. My life seems like a bad trip. And I think I ought to just sit back and enjoy the ride, cause it's a wild one.
Gotta go.
Bye.
-Scott
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-14 00:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And here I am, all of a sudden an adult, on my own, yet not self sufficent with anyone to back me up. No where to go. No sense of myself. No nothing.
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you are not alone.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-14 00:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more attention, MORE
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-13 03:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't know what else to say
it's scary to think how many people must feel this same way
i know i sure as hell do
a LOT of the specific things you said about yourself...
that's me
oh and also what spedmonkey said
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2004-12-13 03:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hola, I was just wondering, Nomad... Whatever became of that girl you were seeing, and managed to have sex with? Is she that non-compassionate girlfriend that you are speaking of?
You need to post an update! I'll check back soon.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you'd be surprised to hear about how many people feel as though they've never quite fit in, or were meant for some other time or place. You're reading the comment of one such person, now.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A bit of introspection every now and then is therapeutic. Too much introspection, as I'm sure you're aware, is poisonous. You seem like a very intelligent, compassionate, and "in-touch" person. Try getting out of your own head once in a while. I think you'll find the outside world a pleasant contrast.
Submitted by Not_Fade_Away (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:58:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"if I were on an airplane and it were crashing, I would have one of two options. Cry and whine about it, screaming "Oh god no, I don't want to die! why me, whhhyyy?!!"
Or, I could enjoy the ride. "
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...or, you could kick everybody's ass that's in between you and the cockpit and take control.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.
*cough*
Sorry, I'm sick today, and I'm going to give non-sensical comments to posts today...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-03 06:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What you need to realise is that everyone feels this way, most are too afraid to admit it because they think that they are the only one... There is no such thing as security, it is a myth. I'm insecure, you're insecure, every fucking shitbag that disses you and me down is insecure. Your boss is insecure, David fucking Beckham is insecure.
Everybody thinks 3 things.
1. There is something wrong with me.
2. I'm not like other people.
3. I want to prove to myself somehow that I am normal.
I used to be scared that my girlfriend will leave me because my last girlfriend left me. I'm now scared that I am no longer scared that my girlfriend will leave me because that means a) I won't be ready for it, and b)I must be arrogant. I keep thinking to myself that no one else thinks this eeply, I'm not like other people.
It's true that I am up the spout out of my mind, but then so is the rest of the planet. Everyone on this planet is normal to a degree because everyone on this planet thinks they are abnormal.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I could have written half of this post from my own life.
I think the key turning point for me came when I finally just accepted that neither myself or my circumstances were ever going to fit into that "normal" mold. I spent so many years in neutral,(those foggy, memory lacking years you spoke of) waiting, and being angry at the whole world. It's human nature to pick at, or look down on things that are different. I think those of us who know what's it like to feel alien amongst our own kind, tend to subconsciously look down on ourselves for being outside of societies mold. Breaking that habit is the hard part.
Embrace those differences, be who you were meant to be, not who society says you should be. Once you achieve peace within yourself, instead of conflict, you will find strength and a love for your life no matter how mundane it may appear.
Submitted by Nomad (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:43:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
stop bitching, seriously
--------------------------------------------
Go fuck yourself, seriously.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stop bitching, seriously
Submitted by Andrewd (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoy the ride is great advice. Nothing you can really do about it, might as well make it somewhat entertaining.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going through that right now. Am I intelligent? Sure. Do I have certain talents that should help me be successful in life? Absolutely. But I'm fucking around in school, getting shitty grades, and I really don't even know why. I've tried otherwise. But I just can't help it. I hope sometime when I'm 50 or so, I can look back on this time in my life and laugh, but some days I think I have an even chance of ending up homeless as an adult.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with JMG as well. I don't know where I belong. In high school, when all my 'friends' abandoned me, I became a different person. I want to fit in so I changed myself. That still didn't win them over, so I thought it was a personal failing.
I think I have some serious social disorder. Or maybe I'm just too screwed up to know what normal is anymore.
Keep up the good fight.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What part of New England are you from?
...if you're even from New England...
*goes back to read some more older posts*
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:37:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JMG said it best.
You're not the only one with blanks in their memory. I have about 8 years of my life where I look at pictures from that time and cannot associate with the girl in them. She looks like me, but I can't associate with her.
I feel you.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you'd be surprised to hear about how many people feel as though they've never quite fit in, or were meant for some other time or place. You're reading the comment of one such person, now.
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Make that two such people. Why else would I spend my life reading Uber?
Good luck.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah
i dont know
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am very much like you. Oh, except that I can't write as well.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:05:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-02 19:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir, are a kicker of all ass.
It makes me sad that, if many people feel similarly, then why are so many working in cubicle farms, day in, day out? When they're younger, they certainly don't aspire to be middle managers.
I think you'd be surprised to hear about how many people feel as though they've never quite fit in, or were meant for some other time or place. You're reading the comment of one such person, now.