Unlife in the Suburbs: Part 5 (780 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (View user info) at 2004-12-02 19:57:32 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52429
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52527
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52869
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/53072
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Laszlo grinned a little sheepishly at me - which is never a good sign. We are not clumsy, slow-witted mortals; a vampire has to cock something up spectacularly to warrant a feeling of sheepishness.
"Out with it." It's a demand, but a reluctant one. Chances are I will not like what I am about to hear.
"Promise me you will not get angry..."
"Laszlo, I'm already half-way there." I can already feel heat building up behind my eyes. "I promise I will not inflict any lasting injuries on you, if that makes you feel better."
"Do you remember Chalmers?" This is not a good start.
"As in, Chalmers, the loopy fucking Scotsman?" He nods.
Chalmers was once a Scottish noble, but he was turned vampire a couple of centuries prior to my birth. My single meeting with him, along with the numerous reports one hears, all point to the same conclusion - he is stark, raving, bat-shit bonkers. Not crazy in the eccentric and occasionally endearing 'engages in philosophical discussions with salads' or 'believe he has been impregnated by an aardvark' kind of way either. Crazy in the 'takes pleasure in slowly dissecting victims while still alive' and 'wildly unpredictable with an incredibly short, violent temper" sense of the word.
One rumor I heard related to his reaction when a local villager, one of his serfs, filled his prize stallion's water trough with an unclean bucket. Chalmers calmly tore the man's left arm off and bludgeoned him to death with the soggy end - before repeating the act on every man in the village - in reverse alphabetical order. In short, he is not the kind of person you want to find yourself on the bad side of.
To make matters worse, the single time I met him, he made numerous unwelcome advances toward me. I rebuffed him and fled - rather than linger to see what his reaction would be. I daresay I lost favor with him over that incident.
Based on all of this, I already know that I am going to hate the answer to my next question.
"So, what does Chalmers have to do with your appearance this morning?"
"I have been in Scotland for the last month or so, looking at castles." He quickly adds, "I enjoy staying here with you, but I would like a place of my own."
"So why did you end your little Scottish sojourn?"
He lowers his voice to a whisper.
"I unknowingly drank the blood of Chalmers' favorite servant."
Shit.
"All of her blood." He adds, a little guiltily.
Double shit.
"Peachy." I say, with surprising calm, backed up by several centuries of sarcasm. "Just fucking peachy! So, let me take a stab at this one - now you have a respectably powerful, mentally unbalanced and exceptionally pissed off Scottish vampire out to kill you, and presumably, those close to you - me for example. How'd I go?"
"Well, you are a little wrong. He does not want to kill us."
"Well, that's a bonus. What does he want?"
Laszlo looks at me, apologetically, for a moment before replying.
"The abbey. He wants it as a reparation for the wrongs he feels that we - not only I, but you as well - have committed against him." This is not happening.
"I wouldn't fuck him, so he wants my house?!" Forget angry, forget livid. I have transcended these; right now I am the pure embodiment of fury. I try - to a degree - to rein it in, but there is no point. I fall to my knees and slam my hand against one of the stone tiles, which shatters under the blow, as cracks snake along the adjoining tiles - and the bones in my right hand and wrist. The attack on my flooring is accompanied by a violent, uncontrolled mental scream, which causes Laszlo to double over in pain, clutching his head.
I take a deep breath and examine my ruined hand, pulling out one or two rocky shards that had become embedded in it. Gradually, the gashes close and the bones knit themselves back together, the pain is a welcome respite from my rage, and my outburst has calmed me somewhat. Laszlo is still rubbing his head, looking at me, and the ruined patch of floor, with a strange blend of concern and fear.
"Was that really necessary?"
"It was the floor or you."
He walks over and lifts me to my feet, embracing me.
"I am truly sorry." He whispers the words in my ear.
"Would it be worth trying to negotiate with him?"
"I somehow do not think that will work."
"Why not?"
He reaches into a pocket and pulls a crumpled note, handing it to me. I skim through it - several sentences stand out: 'I shall be traveling to the Czech Republic to take possession of the property forthwith. Anyone in residence at the time of my arrival shall be slain.' Chalmers has signed his name across the bottom, in blood.
Time to go.
"Bela is in the cellar, fetch her and meet me back here." I pause, "You might have to carry her, I think that scream of mine knocked her out."
"Where are you going?"
"I am going to grab some valuables."
"Then what?"
"We will go to the highway and hitch a ride." I force a smile. "I hope you feel like going for another run through the forest."
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhhh, I wanted them to kick the crap out of that Scottish guy. Good story though.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-16 06:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2004-12-16 05:15:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass can barely begin to describe this series
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Thankye kindly. There is a part 6 lying around for your reading pleasure if you are interested. With some luck, I might write number 7 tomorrow... I'll have to wait and see how much work gets thrown at me....
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2004-12-16 05:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass can barely begin to describe this series
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-11 15:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-09 01:14:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-12-07 10:16:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
More please.
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I am contemplating the next installment of this series, but between work, looking for a new job and my social life I haven't had the time to write anything.... This will change soon. I hope.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-12-07 10:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More please.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-03 19:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:58:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
G'DMNIT!
Write something worthy of a +1, dagnabit!
I've yet to give ANYTHING you write anything but a +2, and every one of them is deserved...
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Well, woo hoo! Thanks dude.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
G'DMNIT!
Write something worthy of a +1, dagnabit!
I've yet to give ANYTHING you write anything but a +2, and every one of them is deserved...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
That's all.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-03 09:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-03 04:26:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
lol this is a hoot ID i was just reading through some of your old stuff and learnt your a fellow Queenslander. Im Brisbane born,Live in Logan City and as QLD as Wally Lewis and cane toads.
Would like to chat on IM or swap e-mail addys mate if your game.
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impassivedigressive.at.hotmail.com
send me an e-mail if you want.
Queenland all the way, baby!!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As good as ever.
-Davros
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2004-12-03 04:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit just gets better and better
Well done
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-03 04:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol this is a hoot ID i was just reading through some of your old stuff and learnt your a fellow Queenslander. Im Brisbane born,Live in Logan City and as QLD as Wally Lewis and cane toads.
Would like to chat on IM or swap e-mail addys mate if your game.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:23:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:12:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Like aged whisky this is good stuff.
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And much less likely to leave you hung over the next day!
Submitted by yourawhore (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very impressive
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like aged whisky this is good stuff.
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:11:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like where this has been going. Keep it up!