Val vs Thanksgiving (993 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Val (View user info) at 2004-12-02 20:48:52 EST
For the past 19 years, I have spent Thanksgiving (and birthdays, and Christmas, and even Easter) with my family. My mom's side of the family, to be exact. Every year I promise myself it will be my last. I tell myself that I will not subject... myself... to their negativity and insults. I tell the family months in advance (and in some cases, years) that NO. NOT THIS TIME. I WON'T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE. And every year, it's the same thing.
"Val... this is going to be your grandfather's last <insert holiday/family function here>. Your grandfather has <random illness> and only has <random number> of <days/weeks/months> to live. If you don't come, he will die with a <broken heart/battered soul/detailed plan of ghostly vengeance>, and YOU will live the REST OF YOUR LIFE ...........dramatic pause.........ASHAMED AND SHUNNED FROM THIS FAMILY!"
And every year I cave in, show up, and get donkey punched with my family's ideas of love and constructive criticism.
3:30: I arrive. I am the first one there. I try to run out the door, but trip over my grandpa's oxygen tank hose and was caught by my grandmother while trying to replug in the hose and steal a piece of pumpkin pie for the road at the same time.
Busted.
3:34. The yelling begins. Apparently I am a horrible person for not being there for her 468th birthday party, which I'm sure was just a HOOT. Nothing like old people dancing around the living room to the Charleston, while my grandfather watches taped Yankee Games from 1995 on full blast because he's in denial of being completely deaf.
3:35. I throw in the suggestion that MAYBE I couldn't attend her shindig because I had... oh, I don't know.... EXAMS THAT WEEK, and every second I had was spent cramming my brains out and popping Ritalin like it was going out of style. Just MAYBE I went for 3 days without sleep because 3 of my exams were worth 50% of my grades, and just MAYBE I actually, unlike her, wanted to GRADUATE from college and actually be something someday instead of a lonely old wench that sells antiques on the edge of her driveway for a living.
Just maybe.
3:36. I get the cold shoulder.
3:45. Cold shoulder thaws for a second, I give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her I love her, at which point she turns her back to me, and mumbles "You were such a good baby."
*Note: What the hell?
3:55. Other people show up. I sit on the couch and read old Reader's Digests for 2 hours until the rest of the tyrants arrive, fashionably late.
6:00. Dinner. We're all sitting down, and for a sheer second, the whole room is quiet. We all look to my 9 year old cousin to say the traditional Thanksgiving Pre-Dinner prayer (which is ironic because most of us have given up on religion long ago, and my family above all is burning in the 9th level of hell). My cousin stands up and starts speaking, at which point my grandmother yells at him to "Sit the hell down," and announces to the whole table that "Miss Valerie Rose" will be saying the prayer.
*Note: I haven't been to church since 8th grade when I was forced to go, and even then did not know any prayers.
My aunt takes the spotlight and blurts out that "Miss Valerie" is not a "good-church-going girl," and winks. She says the prayer, and everyone bows their heads like they're actually listening.
Anger rising.
6:04. Dinner commences. My grandfather blurts out that I've gained some weight, and my aunt asks me what pant size I am. When I tell her I'm an 8, she, the 267 lb mammoth, looks me up and down, REACHES ACROSS THE TABLE, AND SCOOPS MY MASHED POTATOES FROM MY PLATE TO HERS. My anger foot starts to tap, and I eat my turkey in silence. The whole family starts praising my bulimic half cousin Rachael for "keeping so slim." ½ an hour later, she retreats to the bathroom. We hear the shower go on, but the sounds of vomiting can still be heard. My family looks at one another, my grandmother coughs, and dinner eventually ends, an awkward 45 minutes later.
6:30. By this time, plates have been cleared, and my uncle mocks my "new hair-color," telling me it makes me look "like a dirty Puerto Rican." I have no idea what this means. What makes it funnier is that I have never ever dyed my hair, and it's the same color it has always been. It's also kind of funny that I'm really pale.
I just don't get it. Maybe it's me.
Anger rising.... rising...
At this point, I really started to lose it. However, I tried to keep my cool, went into the bathroom, counted to 10, started to calm down, took a piss...
AND MY GRANDMOTHER WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM WITH MY AUNT IN TOW TO TELL ME THAT MY BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE. I didn't "excuse" myself from the completely bare table, and my rudeness would not be tolerated. I sat there, pants around my ankles, in total shock.
It was at 6:45 that I finally left.
On a good note, I took the pumpkin pie with me.
On a bad note, I tripped on my dignified walk down the front stairs, chest first into it.
Next Thanksgiving, I'm crashing at Creep's. Let the booze flow like... booze, and the pudding wrestling commence. If it doesn't end in broken bones and/or alcohol poisoning, I will be very disappointed. Anyone up for ChristmasCon?
Happy Holidays!
User Reviews
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-12-10 20:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wait wasnt i supposed to....ooooooooooooh yeah.....thanksgiving
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-05 17:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-12-03 11:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-03 11:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know that some species of animals eat their young, right?
Well, thay all have it backwards. We should kill anyone over the age of 50 and use them for Thanksgiving and Christmas...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-03 09:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell them all exactly what you think of each of them. Then post a story about it on Ubersite.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-03 08:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the family gathering. Isn't it grand?
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
pish
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooooo, wait a sec..... nevarmind, I think Jared said nobody under 21 (except me).
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Val - What!? You aren't coming to the New Year in NY-Con that me and JMG are planning!? UNGRATEFUL WENCH!!
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-03 00:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hooray for crappy relatives!
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, you're fucking crazy. I love it. We REALLY need to hang out.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to New Year's Con.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has gotta be the worst Thanksgiving ever. What makes it especially horrible is that it's your family. The only even remotely similar for me is when my mom told me to go to hell because my bus broke down and I needed a ride home from school.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone wants your box... of chocolate. Don't let them have it. And way to call me back, DICK.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
VAL'S BACK!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-02 22:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sis!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I get to be middle-aged I'm just going to have to find a place to go drink on Thanksgiving.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I know, Val. I heard through the grapevine. I ask once in awhile.
I am just glad things are working out for you. You still have my AIM name I think?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Monty- I've been so busy with classes and college that I have little time for Uber anymore.
tear.
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your grandmother is a bitch, good story.
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounded like a "Festivus, for the rest of us".
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I usually don't care about anyone elses life but...but...but this was so tragic.
If you need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug...come see me...and I'll bend you over the end of the couch and pound you until we both cum together in a puddle of jism.
Submitted by deadSurfer (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked on Thanksgiving.
Fuck family
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, nice to finally hear from you again, hermosa.
Shiiiiiit.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice to hear from you again. I've missed talking to you. where are you?
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2004-12-02 21:05:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this. Holidays suck. Families suck.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i suck.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
6:04. ............. an awkward 45 minutes later.
6:30. .............
You suck at telling time.
I hate thanksgiving.
Come here for next thanksgiving.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-12-02 20:54:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Most heated.