Sometimes the Girlfriend is Right (1050 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike (View user info) at 2004-12-03 00:29:48 EST
It was Friday Night, my car was broke down and all my friends were in the neighboring college town going to a party and I was broke. But this time, my girlfriend was here to taxi my drunk ass around. She is coming at 7:30 to pick me up. Taking girls to a party is usually badass, cause you know those girls whose fat looks like its trying to devour her face? Yeah well, you dont have to play touchy feely with those animals.
7:30 rolls around, I see Regans red Cougar ride up, I open the door to a femistic onslaught that would even give Oprah a boner.
----
Regan:"Michael I don't like It when you go out with your friends and I have to go with you." the strain in her voice was obviously concern, but I intentionally take it as her doing what she does best:bitch.
Me:"I'm not getting new friends cause of you."
Regan:"You know I'm your girlfriend, your committed to me, I'm not just some piece of ass"(wait...that is exactly what you are)
Me:"I dont bitch when you go out with your nasty whore friends, Shit my friends are the least thing to worry about."
Regan:"All women are nasty bitchs to you huh? Well, remember when we were at my grandmother's lake house, we woke up the next morning and you and Austin(my friend) had spray painted the kitchen floor white?"
Me:--Silence--
Regan: "Or that one time you and Justin got drunk pushed Rambo(her stupid dog that has erm..had only 3 legs) down the hill and INTO the Lake?" her eyes hardened.
Me:"I swear Regan he was just pissing I--"
Regan:"Or when you flushed my baby turtle down the toilet?"
Regan:"OR When--""
Me:"FUCK, Fine I just wont drink tonite ok?"
-----
Fast Forward to our arrival at the party: Four kegs in a three room apartment aong with at least 35-40 people. I sit on the coach and watch some losers play Simpsons Road Rage. I am the epitome of drunken asshole but now, I feel like Uncle Donny in a room full of criminals about to do my hand horn solo. I sip my Mountain Dew tediously.
"I swear, I will make it up to you" Regan says grasping my head, her short blonde hair falling across my chest as she rests her head on my shoulder. I have already seen Regans show, and frankly. I'm just not in the mood for reruns. I'm in the mood to do what I do I best. Get drunk and do stupid shit. Austin waves a Half Gallon of Ten High(Whiskey) from the kitchen. Improvise time: I could get up to go use the bathroom. Then fill my can with Ten High. Perfect plan, Fuck Boz he aint got shit on me.
---
I finish my seventh trip to the bathroom.
"Michael, Babe whats wrong with you?" She tuggs my arm as I struggle to sit up.
"Uh....I think I'maa getting a little bit of dat uhh flue bug."
"Oh well you think we need to go home?"
"Nonononnope, I'm juust fine trust me."
For some reason, she couldn't figure out I was totally wasted. I thought that the Ten High rolling out of my can and mouth; which closest aromatic comparsion would be toxic waste would have given it away, or the fact that I could hardly keep my eyeballs open. But alas, she was completely oblivious. I was also oblivious to the fact that the two biggest douche bags in the history of my high school Jon and Ben had somehow made it to this party without me noticing. The large one, Jon approaches me.
"Heeeeeey, the Mike Man, Whats been happening dawg?" Jon stretchs his fat hand at me.
"Whats up Jon..Looks like you been losing some weight."
"Well I have been--"
"Joke" Regan slaps me on the shoulder
"Hah still the funny guy I see."
Ben moves on knowing not to cross my path.
"Regan move, I gotta go use the bathroom"
"But you have been at least 9 times already."
"Just move" I get up and make my way to the bathroom, as I reach the empty hallway I feel a hand grab my shoulder.
"Dude, I got a awesome idea." I hear a familiar voice from behind, I turn to see none other than a obliterated Austin. "Lets go slash Jon and Ben's tires. It will be kick ass."
I consider this a great idea, and decide to join him.
---
I look at Ben's red car. "Dude.....look he has flowers on his rear view mirror...what a fag." we both laugh outloud and high five. Austin puts the finishing touchs and slashs the last rear tire.
"Hey...I gotz a better idea" I slurr and grab my house keys from my pocket. With the best penmanship I could possibly muster I wrote "Cock Holster" on the hood. I feel my cell phone buzzing in my pocket.
"Hewwo" I answer
"Mike where are you. I'm on the porch and I think I can see some guys around my car in the parking lot. Get out here or something I dont know what to do."
I put the finishing touchs on my engraving on the hood. "Well Alrite....I will be right out."
I hang up, I look down the admire my work. The hood was red, I noticed the headlights too. I felt like Sonny Bono barreling down on the tree, until I finally tasted the bark.
"DUDE THIS IS REGANS CAR RUN!!!" Me and Austin run and hide behind a hedge row.
"Man, I thought you said that was Ben's Car?" I ask panting
"No dude, I just picked the gayest looking one."
----
Incase you are wondering, We are still looking for those trouble makers that vandalized Regans car. I'm gonna get those mother fuckers...
User Reviews
Submitted by mike18 (user info) at 2005-02-11 23:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gahaha
Submitted by mike18 (user info) at 2004-12-03 11:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:15:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
" I'm in the mood to do what I do I best. Get drunk and do stupid shit."
Are we related?
-Davros
possibly haha
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-03 11:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:19:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I felt like Sonny Bono barreling down on the tree, until I finally tasted the bark."
Now that's one for the Best Quotes book.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome story!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-12-03 10:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I felt like Sonny Bono barreling down on the tree, until I finally tasted the bark."
Now that's one for the Best Quotes book.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-12-03 09:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-03 08:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-03 08:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bwah hahahaahhaah
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-03 05:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" I'm in the mood to do what I do I best. Get drunk and do stupid shit."
Are we related?
-Davros
Submitted by PuNKaSS4_20 (user info) at 2004-12-03 04:05:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To figure out this quandary of events, I looked to... well.. they took everything except my grand funk memory! After infusions of pain killing things I found god and some reason and why I was there
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-03 03:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god I would feel so fucking guilty I'd have to admit it, take my beating and then spend the rest of the day with my head between her legs to make up for it.
Submitted by mike18 (user info) at 2004-12-03 02:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:27:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but be careful with that title, i don't want anyones girlfriends reading that and them thinking they are actually right any of the time.
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haha
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun stuff hooligan.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:27:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but be careful with that title, i don't want anyones girlfriends reading that and them thinking they are actually right any of the time.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but be careful with that title, i don't want anyones girlfriends reading that and them thinking they are actually right any of the time.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*chuckles*
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-03 01:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-03 00:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent post. May I also congratulate your parents on choosing a fine name for their son.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-03 00:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Started weakly, ended well.
Submitted by ZeroSignal (user info) at 2004-12-03 00:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff.