Val vs. The Hospital (and Aetna, Immigrant Doctors, Waiting Rooms, and US Healthcare in General) (1204 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Val (View user info) at 2004-12-03 19:56:47 EST
Today, December 3, 2004, is a day that will live in infamy. It is the day Val blacked out on the toilet.
I know what you're thinking: "Gotta cut down on the sauce, Val."
Well... I agree.
But no, that's not what happened. Let me explain.
It all started at 5 AM, when I woke to the uncontrollable urge to widdle. I stumbled through the darkness to the can, where I pulled down, popped a squat, and let out a sigh of relief. And then that relief turned to fear.
"SiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaAAAHHHHHHH!"
GOD THAT HURT! It felt like my bladder was in labor. With quintuplets. Who were actually demons. With knives and steel-toed booties.
It was all very Rosemary's Baby. Only it was Valerie's Bladder. Of Doom.
Because I'm an ass, I thought "HEY! I probably just had to go really bad. Maybe this is normal. Yup totally normal. Time for sleepies."
And I flushed, went back asleep in my bed, which is actually a mattress on top of a mattress. Classy.
Then the alarm on my TV went off at 7. I tried to figure out how to change it to 8, because I'm lazy. As I finally gave up on the 1985 technological wonder that is my remote control (boulder with buttons on it), I got the urge to pee again. Weird. I went back into the bathroom, noting that my stomach felt really funny, and that it hurt to walk. Probably just cramps from sleeping on my awesome bed.
I, again, sat down on my throne, prepared to let loose with what I thought would be a steady stream of morning-piss goodness..... when the pain kicked in. I'm talking Rosemary's Baby's Babies' Babies here. As a former fighter, and someone used to getting kicked and punched all over the body, as someone who has broken rib after rib in intense physical conditioning... you would think I'd be used to pain.
No.
I screamed so violently that nothing came out at all, and flailed wildly on the seat. As I started to curse god in muttered yelps, I noticed that I had not peed at all.
The last thing I remember is looking into the toilet, holding my abdomen for dear life, and thinking that I shouldn't have had that burrito the night before. (As we found out later, the burrito had nothing to do with the pain, although I'm sure it will be causing problems of its own later on).
Then I blacked out.
I woke up about 10 minutes later, on the floor, with my pants down. The first thing I thought was, "Damn Val, you really need to cut down on the sauce!" But then I tried to move and the pain started up again.
I crawled into the bedroom, called my mom, and told her, in all of my "just woke up and passed out from agonizing pee-pain" glory, that my Wee Machine, had in fact, exploded. It took about 5 minutes after that to explain what I actually meant, and she told me to go to the hospital.
FLASH FORWARD:
Time: 7:30 am.
Place: Ocean Medical Community Hospital (or something)
I walked calmly (mostly because it hurt to walk regularly) into the Emergency Room, after first having to pry the "automatic door" open with my hands, because apparently if the wind blows too hard, the $79675 door in the 983265163576736 million dollar hospital just won't work.
I walked past the security guard whilst doing the pee dance and holding my crotch with one hand, ala MJ. Into the empty waiting room I shuffle-hopped, signing-in in record time. I laid down on the lead couch covered with aqua-colored pleather, and waited for assistance.
Some more people came in. Apparently 8:00 is like the bewitching hour for cripples. There was an elderly (not dead yet, but givem a week) couple, a woman with a horrible wig, and some guy in a wheelchair.
*Note that I have not mentioned any entrance or presence of a "waiting room attendant." It was just me and the freaks. Alone. And so cold.
After some time passed and more people lumbered in, I took it upon myself to "walk" down the hallway back to the security guard, to ask her if she could page someone.
15 minutes pass.
I considered chopping off a limb. Maybe THEN my pain would be considered an EMERGENCY.
FINALLY we hear, "Amanda... Amanda to Triage. AmandatoTriageThankYou."
YES! FINALLY! REDEMPTION!
"Amanda" slumps into the room. She hates her job, and it's written all over the scowl in her face. She picked up the sign-in tickets, looked for the first patient there, and I finally began to feel a bit better. Knowing I was first, I started to stand up...
"Grenilda, please come into the office."
GRENILDA? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?
The nearly dead granny stands up, looking almighty in her matching jungle-green sweatshirt/pant combo, and squeakily steps into the office.
It was then that I noticed the sign on the door to Amanda's Lair: "Sub-Waiting Room."
You've got to be kidding me. Just how many waiting rooms ARE there in the ER?
Next called in was Bob, the wheel-chair bound guy. I know he's called Bob, because Bob was SO ILL that Bob was chipper enough to cheerfully make small talk with me for 20 minutes, and stood up to show me how he "really needs the 'W-Chair.'"I hate Bob.
I couldn't help but overhear Bob and Amanda in the Sub Waiting Room.
Amanda: "What seems to be bothering you, Mr. Campton?"
Bob: "I think I broke my foot."
WHOA. Back up the trolley, Bob. You THINK? YOU THINK? YOU'RE IN A WHEELCHAIR, YOU LIMEY BASTARD! THAT FOOT'S NO GOOD ANYWAY!
Eventually I was called in, told Amanda about my piss problem, and was SMIRKED AT. After I was "admitted," I was "registered" in what I imagine was the Sub-Sub Waiting Room. After the POS behind the desk broke the printer, had to call in some guy to fix it, and slowly went over all my paperwork, I was released into the wilds of the Hospital.
Well... not really. I had to wait another ½ hour before being called in. I got my robe, my little bed, and the luxury of a 10 by 10 room, with curtains for walls. I stripped, and laid in my bed, where I fell asleep for ONE HOUR, UNTIL MY DOCTOR SHOWED UP.
THAT conversation went a little something like this:
Doc: SO how are we doing?
Val: Not too good, it hurts when I pe....
Doc: OH, WHEN YOU PEE?!
Val: ... yeah, but also,
Doc: DOES IT STING?
Val: Well yeah, but...
Doc: Does it hurt HERE? ::presses entire body weight into my abdomen::
Val: AHHHHHHHHHHHH YES! STOP! Please!
Doc: Mmmmhmmm... ::scribbles in his notepad::
Val: This morning when I sat down, I fel...
Doc: WHAT ABOUT THIS? ::presses entire body weight into my lower back::
Val: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Doc: Interesting.
At this point I started gasping for breath because the pain from Doc Crock just wouldn't subside.
Then, I surmise out of spite, he pushed in my ovaries.
He gave me a few minutes to uncurl from the fetal position, and then walked me to the bathroom, where it took me 15 AGONIZING, HELLISH minutes to pee into a cup. As I stood up, I noticed that the guy before me had peed under the sink. Not cool. I dropped my orange cup at the nurses' station, and went back to my room.
I fell asleep for another hour or so, but woke up because the guy in curtained-room 14 next to me DIED. Kinda caused some chaos.
After the shindig in Crypt 14 died down (HAHA! I use puns because I'm not original!), I was woken up by some German doctor, who told me what was wrong with me. Unfortunately, his accent was so thick....
"Just how thick WAS his accent, Val?"
...you and your dirty minds...
Anyway, his accent was so thick, that I couldn't understand a word he said. All I got was "Kidney Infestitation," "bockterias," "broody" (bloody?) and "Gud theeng we cought it noow! Or too late!"
Whatever. When my first Doctor came back 15 minutes later to check on me, I asked him what the hell was wrong with me. Turns out I have a massive kidney infection, can't have sex for 2 weeks, and could die. Swell!
I then slept for TWO HOURS waiting for a THIRD doctor to come and tell me what my prescriptions were.
After... what... 6 some-odd hours at the ER, I got home and called my mom again, and was informed that my Aetna card-thing expired and that my hospital visit wasn't technically covered. In other words, I am now in debt x10000. See, the dandy fine hospital doesn't check immediately if your insurance is good- it mails it out. And since I was still on file with Aetna, they let me in. Good Ole' American Healthcare.
After I paid $450 out of pocket for my prescriptions, I took them and went to bed where I vomited for 2 hours because they're too strong.
GOD BLESS AMERICA
User Reviews
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-10 21:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-12-04 13:23:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now there's someone that Fetish wouldn't suck the piss out of.
-------------
Fetish with morals? Pssssht. You know he would. He'd do it twice to freak everyone out more.
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-12-10 20:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fooooooooooooooooor life
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-05 17:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you come up, ask me about the two weeks of suffering I endured upon my return from Mexico.
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-12-04 13:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now there's someone that Fetish wouldn't suck the piss out of.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-12-04 10:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It will do your rotten crotch good to not have any cock in it for two weeks.
I pray everynight that the infection will win.
So that I can fuck your corpse of course.
Submitted by TheRocketeer (user info) at 2004-12-04 10:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TWO WEEKS?!!?
I'm not waiting that long, better come find me.
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-04 08:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh if i could put into words how much i feel your pain. Some ones gotta do something about healcare in this country. That some one is of course... Not me.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-12-04 02:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So.. did this happen on the 2nd or 3rd. I need to know whether I should arrange to he there on the 16th or 17th.
Anyways. I liked the story. Makes me feel better about myself. All I've got is a perianal cyst and an anorectal fistula. Don't look it up.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-04 01:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get better chickie!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-04 00:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what in the world did you do to piss Kaelic off?
did you kill his mother? dismember his prized teddy bear?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-12-03 23:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
: (
Get gooder soon.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-12-03 22:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Oh, Val. Get Well Soon.
Catheters Suck Ass.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-12-03 21:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A fighter? Huh, you're a girl right? I mean... unless your parents had a sick sense of humor to name their son Valerie. Plus this post would make absolutely no sense.. So what do you girls do in the ring, a lot of hair pulling and scratching?
Im only screwing with you. I would like to hear about some of your boxing experiences, have you posted anything about boxing?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-03 21:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bah
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-12-03 21:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Touchy ... did I hit a nerve, WHORE? WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE NEXT UBERCON SO YOU CAN SLEEP WITH SOME MORE 17 YEAR OLDS, WHORE? OH WAIT, I FORGOT, YOU CAN'T FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS. GUESS THAT RULES OUT UBERCONNETICUT, UBERFLORIDA AND THE UBERBOWL AS PRIME STOMPING GROUNDS FOR YOU TO PICK UP SOME BARELY LEGAL JAILBAIT.
Jesus, chill out, I'm just joking around. Have a +2.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-03 21:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that I jacked off to that picture? No? How 'bout if I pictured it as a guy?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-03 21:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh man Kaelic, just as with everything, you are right. Gosh, you know me so well and yet we've never even spoken. You must be psychic. I bow to your prowess.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-12-03 21:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was funny, but I'm guessing you're probably a whore, because you mentioned, "NO SEX FOR TWO WEEKS" as if this were the most horrible part of having a life threatening infection you could die from.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um.. this isn't my first post. But uhh... thanks?
Rizzo- no alcohol for 2 weeks.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok first post. Sorry bout your pain--feel better soon
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Use the American cure-all:
BEER!
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it
gas? It's gas, isn't it?
-- Homer Simpson
Fear of Flying
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah. Pain sucks but to be quite frank, so did this post.
Get well soon...and when you do, write something better than "your day".
I won't minus you because of the $450 you spent today.
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This sucks hard hon