The holidays have arrived at the Montejebus residence (432 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.75 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Montejebus (View user info) at 2004-12-04 00:34:13 EST
And so has Grandma.
I love my Grandma. I really do. She isn't Tenochtitland's best, though. Grandma is less than four feet tall, wrinklier than deer testicles and is very, very religious. No, it's not a fun religion like Pieism or Communism; it falls nothing short of pure Christian orthodoxy goodness.
Now, Grandma has her ways. She gets up at 5 am, rattles around in the kitchen and curses to herself about these damn kids. I don't know if she's talking about me, my dog or my bird. She can't be damning any kids because I live in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors and I don't have children. After she's done doing whatever it is that Grandma does, she has prayers and yoga. Afterward, she goes for a walk, then yells at either the bird or dog.
Yesterday I picked her up at the airport and she insisted on going to the zoo.
"Monte, dear, could we go to the zoo?"
"Grandma, it's 10 pm here. We can't go to the zoo."
"Well damn, I wanna go to the zoo. When I was little we could go to the zoo any time." She snorts and pops a piece of gum into her old face.
"We could go this weekend when I don't have to work." I looked at her and suggested.
"You work? What do you do?"
"Yeah, I just have some office job with the county." I reply.
"Oh Monte that's wonderful. I'm glad you finally have a job."
"Finally? I haven't not had a job since I was 14." I speed up to pass another car.
"That's not what your mother said." I just about brought my car to a screetching halt on the freeway.
"My mother also divorced my father and moved to France to live with some 'dauphin'. My mother isn't what I'd call a reliable source of fact and opinion."
"Oh now she isn't that bad." I didn't respond, nor did she say anything afterward.
We pulled up to my home and I helped her out. "Whoowee I'm a tired Grandma, heh heh." She chuckled, grabbed her cane, and I helped her walk up the stoop steps. "You have a nice, secluded home." She said as she walked in and turned on the light. She stopped and screamed when she looked ahead of her.
"AHH!" She started crying. "There's a bird in your house!" She pointed in horror at my gray parrot, Queen.
"Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong." Queen said, as she always does when someone walks into the house.
"That's ok, Grandma. He's Queen, my parrot." She eyed him. "He's inside a nice, big cage. He can't get out."
"Queen, eh?" She looked at him. "Hey, I seen one of these in the zoo!" She exclaimed as she put her finger in the cage.
"Yeah." Suddenly, my lab walked up, beating his tail against everything. "Oh, this is Ketchup." I pet him. "Good boy." He continued wagging his tail.
"Ketchup? You namin' things after condiments now?" She snorted a laugh. "Well, show me to my room, deary. Grandma has to go to bed." I showed her to her room and she went right to sleep. I got a little bit of work done and soon followed.
I woke up the next morning at 7 am and got ready for work. On Friday, I usually try to put in a little overtime, so I go in around 9 and leave there around 1 or 2.
I walked into the living room with the TV blaring. I look in to see Grandma sitting on the couch with Queen on her shoulder, and the two are watching Oprah and eating popcorn. "GRANDMA!" I screamed, yelling over Oprah. "GRAND-MAH!" She turned it down.
"Morning Monte!" She hollared to me.
"Lets go to the lets go to the zoo. Lets go to the zoo." Queen croaked at me, hopped off her shoulder and flew onto mine.
"What are you teaching this bird?"
"Oh God I'm late." Queen repeateed a few times, while I was talking to Grandma about TV volume.
"Oh will you be quiet? I'm not late today." I pet his head and he nibbled on my ear. "I'm going to go in to work for a little overtime. We can go out to eat tonight somewhere, your choice my treat. Just, don't take the bird outside, PLEASE." I grabbed my briefcase and shut the door behind me, hearing Queen yelling after me "I'm late I'm late." Parrots are smart birds.
You may be inquiring why grandma comes to my house for the holidays, and why she stays for the month. See, she lives alone in a cold, Chicago apartment and likes to fly here every December for some quality time. She doesn't visit mom, her daughter, because nobody is sure where she is anymore and she lives too racy of a lifestyle to have Grandma. Besides, she likes to let us know as little as possible about her "dauphin".
When I returned home, I found Grandma passed out on Ketchup, who was also asleep, and Queen was standing on top of the fridge. "Ding dong ding dong ding dong."
"Shut up." I yelled back as I took my jacket off. I really shouldn't be saying that sort of thing to a bird that immitates you after hearing you sometimes only once, but I didn't care. Grandma jolted awake after I walked in.
"Where were you?" She asked, Montel Williams blaring.
"At work, remember? Overtime?" She scratched her head.
"Oh yeah." She struggled to get up, get her cane and hobble into the kitchen. "How come you don't have a beer machine?"
"Because that's not legal here anymore, Grandma. What are you doing drinking anyway." I stood over her, peering into the fridge.
"I survived all these wars and you think a little whiskey is gonna make me drop dead? Huh boy you got it comin."
"Monte is such a lazy lazy boy." Queen squawked at me. I glared at my grandma and walked into my bedroom. I left the door open and Grandma invited herself in. She let off this horrible scream moments after entering.
"What is it?" I yelled in from the bathroom.
"YOU ANIMAL!"
I walked out. "What?" She pointed to my bed.
"ZEBRA SKIN?" She pointed to my fake-fur pillows that had zebra markings on it.
"It's not real, it's fake. You're not allowed to have zebra fur now."
"I can't believe you!"
"Grandma, it's not real fur. I bought it at Costco for $9.99."
"Oh, and I suppose Costco is some kind of zebra killer's depot, isn't it?"
It's going to be a long month.
User Reviews
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-04 10:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zebra Killing Depot
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, sorry about your mom. Bear with your grandma its hard to have a daughter drop off the radar so to speak and nice grand children will make her feel better.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-04 01:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
silver.
Submitted by Montejebus (user info) at 2004-12-04 00:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hm, I appear to have stuck a "she" in there when describing Queen. Pardon me, if you will.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-04 00:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss both my Grandma's, I know they are a pain in the ass sometimes, but believe me, you'll miss them when they are gone.