"It's amazing how sexy that isn't..." (1954 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.84 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-04 03:33:25 EST
It's taken a while to get around to it, but this is my take on the stalker scenario, inspired by BigMike's post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/50766
He sat in the darkened room, before the uncurtained window. His hands shook a little as he raised the binoculars to his eyes. "Tonight," he murmured to himself. "Please let tonight be the night."
He trained the binoculars on the window across the way and waited, barely breathing, for the dark rectangle to flood with the warm yellow light that signified her arrival; her appearance in her home, and to his eyes.
He was rewarded after less than five minutes. The room filled with light and he saw her close the door behind her as she entered. She looked tired, drawn; her hair was tangled and her clothes rumpled. She crossed the living space to enter her bedroom. The next rectangle lit up and he saw her, framed in the window, unfastening her jacket.
His blood surged and he felt himself responding to the slow way she disrobed; as though she were teasing him.
This was it! He was exultant. Finally, after weeks of watching, and waiting, his dreams were coming true!
As she took off the jacket, she reached up under her shirt and scratched below her ripe breasts, staring into space, her jaw slack. She shifted her hands, scratching under her armpits. She lifted her fingers to her face and sniffed, her nose wrinkling in distaste.
He felt his erection subsiding. How to maintain that glorious thrill of voyeuristic lust when she was behaving like an animal?
She rubbed the back of her hand over her mouth and pushed her hair back. His erection returned halfheartedly when he saw her reach above her head and stretch luxuriously, then retreated in horror when she scratched her ass.
She wandered back into the other room, still scratching. She opened the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of scotch and a tumbler. His spirits rose as his imagination raced.. maybe she was going to get a little tipsy and invite a girlfriend over for some Sapphic lovin'? He could just imagine the naked bodies writhing for his viewing pleasure, and was so caught up in it he almost didn't notice her dropping heavily onto the couch.
His attention returned to her greedily when she reached out.. maybe she was making the call now? No, she was reaching for the remote. He shuddered in revulsion when she switched on a Friends re-run - how could his secret angel watch that rubbish? - and groaned in disgust when she slipped off her shoes, smelled them, and waved her hand in front of her face as she tossed them far away across the room.
He turned away from the window in disappointment when she filled her glass with scotch and drained it, slopping booze down the front of her blouse like the homeless winos he saw on his way to work each day.
As he returned the binoculars to the top shelf, he took a moment, as always, to reflect on the evening. How was a decent stalker supposed to maintain the attraction to his prey when she was about as sexy in private as an incontinent dog?
Oh well. Maybe tomorrow.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-19 18:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was younger, I had the (apparently quite common) ehm.. hallucination/delusion that someone was watching me AT ALL TIMES. I grew out of it, and now I happily sniff my armpits when I get home. And then my manboy looks at me funny, and I go "whaat?" like the fox in Shrek 2.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-02-18 20:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't rated this yet...
Why the fuck did I not rate this yet?
Man I'm an idiot....
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-06 11:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ending didn't quite do it for me. Though this is still better than the average post.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-12-06 00:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm wanking in the eyes of my neighbour's pets again.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-05 18:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't rated this yet...
Why the fuck did I not rate this yet?
Man I'm an idiot....
And I think I'll try this with *my* stalker. She's getting really really annoying. I just wish she'd shut up and stop giggling.
Note to self- pick nose in public more often.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't rated this yet...
Why the fuck did I not rate this yet?
Man I'm an idiot....
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am trying to lure off the closet which she jumped on after I encouraged her to read this site. As for MSN... it's not on often. Try ICQ
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-05 00:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Chinaski, what the fuck? That's three posts of mine you've had a go at; I don't even know who you are. What's the problem?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-05 00:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
extraordinarily bad ending...
other than that, i'm glad you drink hard liqour instead of beer, it will end you faster.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 22:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rhodan! How's that gorgeous wife of yours? Turn on bloody MSN from time to time, would you?
AshK - She was going to pick her nose, bite her nails, and do strange things with her dog, but I just figured there were men who'd find that attractive. Keep it boring; NOBODY likes boring.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee Sark. I know your dirty little secret, now. PLUS I know you pick your nose.
Er...what?
Booger flickers unite!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-04 16:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<picks her nose and inspects what she finds>
oooh hey. Loved the post!
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-12-04 15:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining circe
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2004-12-04 14:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm, this might just explain a thing or two
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-04 13:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<ejaculates>
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-12-04 11:36:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHE SHOOTS,.... SHE SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! again.....
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-04 11:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AshK,
What made you type that?
Are you watching me or something?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-04 11:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe she didn't pick her nose and flick the booger somewhere.
Will you have my babies? Well, just one baby. He is 10 already. I can ship him out this afternoon.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-04 10:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you are all kinds of awesome.
This was super! Well done.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark - you have mail.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Actually that stalker has no sense of humor.
It always makes me giggle when the women I'm stalking act like that.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, Snark. Honey. Darling. Sweetheart. Of course we don't.
I myself scratch my ass with a hairbrush and drink vodka rather than scotch. But I had to exaggerate for the story.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:27:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh.. thanks, Mike. I knew you'd see it as humour and not me trying to be a twat.
Never. Different perspectives my dear. When I look throught the binoculars, I see strippers on satin sheets.
When you look through the binoculars, you see people doing the normal, private things they do when no one is watching. I'm surprised she wasn't picking her teeth with a matchbook or biting her toenails.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women don't act like that EVER.
This is what I believe.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh.. thanks, Mike. I knew you'd see it as humour and not me trying to be a twat.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick so much ass that your feet must hurt.
Reality bites. That's why we have fiction.
If I was the stalker, I would have changed stalkees right after the armpit thing.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-04 09:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-04 08:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I threw up a little.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-04 08:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, that was just a relapse.
i actually enjoyed this. clever and even rather profound idea, and nicely done.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-04 08:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stupid whore
Submitted by klebe (user info) at 2004-12-04 08:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-04 07:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We're all human.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-12-04 05:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very amusing
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-04 05:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very good! The ending seemed a bit rushed, but still very enjoyable.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote! Turn on MSN.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
life in the burbs
Submitted by agulot (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad ... Gett's you all worked up ... and leaves ya hangin'
Kinda like most women :)
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always an entertaining read. You rock!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendiferous.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and i thought your post was funny. I laughed. Sorry for bitching about my crap.
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-04 04:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No ones rated my post yet. I think its a combo of my post being serious fiction, sucking ass and posting it late at night. At this point id rather get a bad rating then no rating at all. Oh well you cant blame people for going to bed at a sane hour.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do what I normally do and camp on the post for 8 hours till the Americans wake up!
Post was funny as always
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh.. thanks, tinactin. I write this crap midafternoon when it's quiet and peaceful here, and post it right away. I seem to have trouble remembering that many people are asleep and therefore won't see it.
I'm about as sharp as a box of hammers that way.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. 12:49 am pacific.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Note to self: Stop fucking posting on weekends, when it's 3.30 am in America. Just don't do it, okay? You silly, brainless little idiot.