Donkey's Top Ten: Ways To Make Children Fear Winter (2337 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Top10
Rating: 1.95 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2004-12-04 17:18:36 EST
Now is the most wonderful time of the year. Most people are getting into the Rhamahaunakwanzmas spirit while others, such as myself, get to play the role of Scrooge and bah humbug myself through the holiday season. My only joy is to convert small children into my holiday hating ways by any means necessary. It is now the winter of discontent for these young ones as Donkey is lurking behind a tree, ready to introduce them to a world they have yet to experience. A world of pain, suffering and painful suffering. As the years pass and they grow older, they will remember the lessons I have taught them and use them over and over, spreading the winter gospel of Donkey to and fro. The message in that gospel is clear: Watch your back.
Without further ado, I present my top ten list of things you can do to ruin a childhood during the holiday season. It's top ten tastic.
10) Bring a child ice fishing: Nothing says winter bonding more than freezing your ass off in the middle of a lake with a piece of string in a small hole. When your target child needs to go pee, stealthy affix a human head to his fish hook and place it in the hole. When they come back, hurriedly wave them over spouting off about how you think he has a big one on the line. Sit back and watch as the child hauls up a decaying human head and pukes all over the front of his bibbed snow pants. No more winter activities for him.
9) Build a snowman: I know what you are thinking and I agree. Snowmen aren't traumatizing....unless you tie a picture of Ben Affleck's face on the head and place it in front a kid's window. They will grow up fearing snowmen and shitty Ben Affleck. That's what Ben gets when he steals my fucking Fenway Frank at the Sox game. I ordered a hot dog and it was being passed down the line until Ben got his overrated actor's hands on it and he deep throated it like a champion porn star. J-Lo was so disgusted that she gave me a pity fuck in the club house during the seventh inning stretch.
8) Sled bowling: What is more satisfying than running over a hoard of kids in a plastic sled? Running them over in a good old fashion steel runner sled. The key is to wait until a hard packed trail has been blazed so your metal skids have a nice icy path to scorch down. Then you wait until a sled full of kids makes their run and follow close behind. If you time it right, you'll be taking out legs and ankles with a strong possibility of running over a neck or two as they scramble out of the way. That'll teach them to have fun on MY hill.
7) Play avalanche victim: Convince a kid it's a new game where you bury them in packed snow while their friends look all over for them. Better hope they have a dog to help them before their air runs out. Death by asphyxiation is a bitch.
6) Snowball fights: Every kid loves to pick snowball fights and some even have forts. The only problem that they have is that I'm not afraid of getting hit by snowballs thrown by limp wristed ten year olds. My favorite approach is to storm their "fort" while hurling hard packed snowballs with small to medium sized rocks in them. A few missing teeth or loss of vision will cause them to collapse into the fetal position during the next snowfall.
5) Kamikaze white wash: This is my personal favorite. There are three schools in the immediate vicinity of my house and it makes for hours of entertainment. As school lets out for the day, casually walk around the grounds to search for a prime target. Usually I go for the wiry kid chucking snowballs at the fat kid. I sneak up behind him pick him up by the back of his pants and jacket screaming "Finish him!" at the top of my lungs just before power slamming him into a snow bank. Another favorite attack of mine is the dual face plant. As two kids are walking unsuspectingly along, I sprint up from behind and long jump between them, grabbing the back of their heads as I fly by. Due to my inertia and their small stature, they get faceplanted with ferocity. It's especially satisfying if there is only about three inches of snow. You can really hear the cartilage snap in the cold air.
4) Testing the ice: Need to see if the ice is safe but don't want to take the effort to hammer a spike into it? Get a fat kid to do it for you. Huck a puck onto the ice and ask the kid if he could retrieve it for you. Make sure it's in the thinnest pat of the ice so you can really tell if it's strong enough. If it isn't, you can watch in morbid fascination as you hear the ice groan and shift under the weight of the little porker scuttling out. Stare in awe as he fails to realize what is about to transpire and prepare yourself to run like hell when the ice finally gives way and he falls into the frigid abyss. One or two more cold nights and the ice should be firm enough to hold you and your dark secret underneath. Game on.
3) Skating pond ownage: Nothing is more annoying than a bunch of little kids skating around like Bambi on ice when you are in you Doors Pond playoff game. Help them to realize their futility by mercilessly body checking them into the trees that line the banks of the pond and sharp rocks that poke through the edge of the water. A few concussions and angry parents later and you own the ice for the next hour. (Hint: parents aren't usually wearing skates when they step onto the ice to berate you, making them easy prey for a well timed cross check. Pull their sweater over their head and viciously beat them if they make an attempt to grab you. Ice = NHL law. Don't start a fight you know you can't win. When will parents learn? The open ice time at the skating rink is the only acceptable place to let your kids learn to be proficient at skating, unless they feel like shagging errant slap shots in the woods.)
2) Snowboards and Ski-wees: I'm not ashamed to admit that during my first few runs on the snow that I take the blue square trails to get reacquainted with my board. It's also fun to slalom in between the intermediate skiing class. It'll teach them to traverse down the mountain with their heads up. Might as well learn by getting thwacked a few times by me than to pull a Sonny Bono and get intimate with a tree.
1) July surprise: If you have a big freezer like me, you can fill it with about three hundred baseball sized snow balls before the spring thaw hits. What they lose in volume due to evaporation in the freezer, they gain in density and ice fortified terror. If some kid is traipsing about and barking at your dog or being a general nuisance, let loose with one of the snowballs in your reserve. Even though it's the middle of summer, the near orgasmic joy of pegging a kid in the brain case with a hardened snowball is unmatched by any that are thrown in season. Plus the evidence melts away, getting you off scott free.
Copy this list and distribute to those you deem worthy to spread the word of Donkey.
Prepare to meet your doom.
User Reviews
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-12-20 03:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-18 09:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi- larious
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-23 01:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you mention making them wet their lips and kiss a car?
Donkey, my fave honkey.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-23 00:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Harold Christ, this was awesome.
AWESOME!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54390
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uberboard +2.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:17:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reasons why I fear winter:
1) My mother caught the skin of my chin in the zipper of my snowsuit. Now, I fear winter, zippers and my mother touching ANY zipper on any part of my body.
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Oh man, mine too! I hated that...
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hells yes
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 13:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-06 08:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KoolMung (user info) at 2004-12-06 07:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Uberboard -2.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-06 03:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good piece
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-12-06 01:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#11
Force-feed them yellow snow.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-12-05 12:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow this is good.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-12-05 11:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-05 10:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn this was good.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-12-05 09:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-05 09:11:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:17:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reasons why I fear winter:
1) My mother caught the skin of my chin in the zipper of my snowsuit. Now, I fear winter, zippers and my mother touching ANY zipper on any part of my body.
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Hahahaha. That's fucking hilarious. Coincidentally, this is why I never wear jeans without underwear.
P.S. Donk, I love you and your Taco Bell bearing ways. Will you help me make the most badass and emotionally traumatizing snowman of all time on my lawn this winter?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-05 09:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know... I fear if you should ever have children....
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-12-05 08:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love # 10 the best, but half-decayed human heads are hard to come by nowadays.
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-12-05 08:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dress up like Santa to do all this shit, then feed them to your reindeer.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-12-05 02:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
I so love you.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-05 02:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I will have sex with everyone in the snow if they want. No gurauntees about the size of my peener due to the extreamly cold weather, but we can give it a shot.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-05 02:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hell, I was going to write this as my review.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have sex with you in the snow.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reasons why I fear winter:
1) My mother caught the skin of my chin in the zipper of my snowsuit. Now, I fear winter, zippers and my mother touching ANY zipper on any part of my body.
2) I spent so much time outside when I was little during the winter (making snow forts, digging snow tunnels, making snow men....I am Canadian afterall, so pretty much every activity involved snow or ice in some way) that my hands got slightly frost bitten. Now, my fingers lose circulation very easily. Basically, if I hold a slurpee on the hottest day in July my fingers will be white and lose all feeling.
3) I lived on a farm. We used to run along the tops of hay bales. One time, I fell into the gaps between two giant bales. It was like falling into an ice ravine in a movie.
4) Two words: Penguin Invasion.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:02:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a sick bastard.
I think I love you.
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Yup.
-Davros
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-05 00:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or you could just live in an area where snow is available year round and load it into the back of your friends toyota pickup and hit innocent freshmen on the last day of school.
just saying.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-05 00:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
when i think about you, i touch myself.
and im not even Gay!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-12-05 00:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sign on, fair Donkster.
Submitted by opigovgod (user info) at 2004-12-04 21:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-12-04 20:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-04 20:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey, can I bee you?
Please? I'll give your skin back when I'm done...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-04 20:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Aww, thanks whore. I love you too. Now suck my balls like a nice cunt"
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This is EXACTLY why I love this place! Oh and you too Donk!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-04 20:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww, thanks whore. I love you too. Now suck my balls like a nice cunt. There you go. Work the shaft. STOP BITING! <Smacks brown_eyed_girl in the shnoz> Now you don't get your money.
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-12-04 20:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-03 19:37:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
Blasphemy? Hell yes! God Is Living Vicariously Through Donkey (783 hits)
Category: Humor
Rating: 1.91 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (View all ratings)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2004-11-09 11:47:07
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Some people are born to be mischievous. Some are born to be a pain in the ass. Some are just born to be plain evil. I was born to be something special. Not short bus special, you fucking tools, one in a gagillion special.
I was put on this Earth for God to live vicariously through me so he could experience the joy of hijinks and ecstasy of a well placed insult. You see people, God gets bored with being good all the time. Being pure sucks. You know it, I know it, and God sure as hell knows it. But what do you do when you are an intangible being who is revered for being the creator of life? Get a lackey to do your misdeeds for you.
"But Donkey, how do we know you aren't lying and are just another miscreant amongst us?"
Simple, because if you ask me that question again, I'll fucking smite you, bitch.
I have the divine gift, as I like to call it. I can cause chaos, personal injury, or even death in some cases but I'm always forgiven the next day and the slate is wiped clean. Grandparents love me, even though I am crass and I knock up their granddaughters and skip town. Kinda like what God did to Mary. He was all, "Haha bitch, you is knocked the fuck up and you can't do nothin' about it. Recognize." You heard it hear first, God was the first deadbeat dad. Coincidently, he is also the best, because he's never been called out until just now. I'll give you a moment to wrap your heads around that.
Moment over.
"I dunno Donkey, it's a little farfetched for me."
That because you are a closed minded naysayer, and the streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers. Or raspberry jello, which is much more delicious.
Just this passed Saturday at my friends wedding, I gave God a front row seat to some chicanery. Rather dubiously, I had taped the words, "HELP ME" in bright red duct tape to the bottom of the groom's shoes before the ceremony. At the part where they kneel in prayer, the whole church would see it and have a good chuckle. I swear on the shallow grave of genocide victims that when the priest said, "You may kneel," that the sun broke from between the clouds and shone through the stained glass window letting me know that God thought that was a good one.
A few months ago, I had made it my goal to send a Mormon guy to hell. God doesn't like made up religions, so he gave me the go ahead to fuck with this holier than thou bastard. Spending a year in the desert with an overzealous Mormon in your midst is like attending the circus, you know the clowns are people but you still want to punch them in the throat anyway. He'd always say that I was going to hell for looking at porn and masturbating and stuff. Little does he know that by being an instrument of God, I get a free pass into heaven and all the hot angel tail I can handle. So one day I got the idea to stand above his cot with my Hustler open to some DVDA (double vaginal, double anal) and wake his ass up. Bleary eyed and whimpering, he could not look away from the magical ass held in the sticky pages of my magazine. I pronounced loudly that he was now going to hell, so why not lighten up a bit. It was a small victory for me and a huge set back to Mormons everywhere. Later on, God hit me with my own personal sandstorm as a pat on the back.
"Gee whiz, Donkey. Don't you have any super powers?"
Funny you should ask that.....
No. I don't have any super powers, DICK. But I do have the power to rock faces with my street side sermons about the benefits of pre marital sex and the improved quality of life if everyone would pass a joint around every once in a while. Think about it. Was God married to Mary before he knocked her ass up? Hell no. In fact, Mary didn't even know God existed until then. He was just some nerd who got pissed off and was all, "I'll show them all! I CAN GET LAID! JUST WATCH ME!"
The next time you see someone being a dick or committing some type of douchebaggery, rest assured that they are not funny and God frowns upon them. I am the true vessel for his shenanigans and only I have the divine gift. All others are just imitators and poor ones at that. Those who claim to be possessed by God are lying. God cannot posses people and make them do bad things, he can only watch. We are all created in his image and all that garbage, but I'm the closest one to the real God, fuckers.
There can be only one Donkey and I'm pretty sure I meet the requirements.
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So FUNNY!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-04 20:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have sex with you in the snow.
~*~*~*~*~
I want to help.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-12-04 19:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
prgasm
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-04 19:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice Donkster.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a sick bastard.
I think I love you.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:49:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wants to have sex with Munkeypants in the snow.
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get on aim so we can steam up the computer monitors.
if the monitor is a rockin'... ahhhh...
<ejaculates>
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm definitely printing this shit.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:49:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wants to have sex with Munkeypants in the snow.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have sex with you in the snow.
----------------------
<ejaculates>
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is snow?
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It never snows down here except on South Park- (no, not Hell) Alabama. I guess that's redundant.
I feel like a cigarette.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever have kids, I will send them to Donkey for the holidays so they can grow up tough, or emotionally fragile...whichever.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have sex with you in the snow.
Submitted by qagmyr04 (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lets be frank. We all love sled bowling and the victims. Ohhhh the laughter. Ranks right up there with dodgeball or chucking a baseball at a runner that you know you have no chance of getting out.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope when you scream "Finish him!" it's in Mortal Combat style.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So you like abusing young kids, eh?
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1) July surprise: If you have a big freezer like me, you can fill it with about three hundred baseball sized snow balls before the spring thaw hits. What they lose in volume due to evaporation in the freezer, they gain in density and ice fortified terror. If some kid is traipsing about and barking at your dog or being a general nuisance, let loose with one of the snowballs in your reserve. Even though it's the middle of summer, the near orgasmic joy of pegging a kid in the brain case with a hardened snowball is unmatched by any that are thrown in season. Plus the evidence melts away, getting you off scott free.
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This made me shit my pants.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the July surprise.
I would love to see the look on people's faces when they get hit with snowballs in July.
oooh does that make me a bad person?
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-04 17:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment