The 4th Debate: God V Satan (657 hits)
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Submitted by SoxSexSax (View user info) at 2004-12-04 21:20:34 EST
So in the end, as all DECENT people knew it would, Jesus returned, rained fire down upon the none-believers and let all the good guys and gals flock into heaven. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Of course, what we all want to know is what happened afterwards. Well, my great, great grandson SoxSexSax Jnr. Jnr. Jnr. was able to get this exclusive interview with the two main combatants in the spiritual world as the events were unfolding, and I offer it to you all exclusively here on Uber, courtesy of a very nifty little gadget that travels time (wonderful technology these days):
Sox: Well, as you can see from the reports, armageddon is indeed upon us. Fire from the heavens, the seas rising as if alive and spirits walking upon the earth among us. Joining me in the studio tonight are the two beings that made it all possible. Coming to us live from heaven via the SKY satellite we have God, and from his Infinite And Infernal Domain, we have the prince of evil himself, Satan. Now God, if I could start with you, do you think that, over the course of your 2222 year campaign with Satan, you have emerged victorious from the struggle?
God: Well, yes I do Sox. Firstly, let us consider the many, many wonderful souls that are currently residing beside me in heaven. Albert Einstein, for instance. John Lennon. Mother Theresa. Winston Churchill. Performers of wonderous and great deeds for the good of mankind, each of them. Compare these great names to those of Hitler, Stalin, Bush and Augliera, the heinous, putridly worthless souls obtained by my great rival, and it is obvious who has come out on top in our little contest. Secondly, I live in heaven, which is heavenly, while he lives in hell, which is hellishly hellish. So yes, I win.
Satan: I really must protest here. First of all, it is disengenious of my worthy opponent to judge the final result merely on the personalities of our captured souls. The rules were set up from the start so that I would get the more unsavoury specimens of the human race, so it is hardly surprising that this has occurred. Furthermore, when you look at the "Money At Time Of Death" statistic, you'll see that I win by almost 75%. Hell could buy heaven three times over at current spiritual market value, so if you judge it by that criteria, I have truly triumphed.
Sox: So is there a set of guidelines for determining who has won, and what are they?
God: No, because the result is unimportant. If my opponent believes that the feeble smattering of bad apples he has managed to lie, cheat and force into hell with him somehow equates to a victory because for a meagre 70 years or so of their ETERNAL existence they had a lot of metal discs and paper notes, that's his perogative.
Satan: Now God, you're making it sound as if you got the vast majority of the souls and that quite simply isn't true. Its roughly 50/50, as you well know and there was never really any doubt that it would be either, in my opinion. Also, I'd like to go back to a previous comment: I really don't see how my opponent can use the respective "luxury factors" of heaven and hell to determine which of us conquered. Heaven was designed to be nice...hell wasn't. MY quarters are nice, as are those of my staff. We each have jacuzzis and we eat caviar from the stomachs of naked, impaled goth chicks. Obviously the sinners spend their days being boiled slowly in giant cauldrons filled to the brim with oil in a perpetual state of unimaginable agony and torment...but that is how it SHOULD be. I think God knows he has lost the battle, and that is why he is resorting to these weak arguing tactics.
Sox: But Satan, you said yourself that the souls were evenly distributed, so how can you yourself be claiming the win?
Satan: It's quite simple Sox. I only expected to get half of the souls from the start. My opponent expected to get far more. By fulfilling my own expectations, I have made him fall far short of his own. And therefore, victory is mine.
God: With the greatest respect, you're talking out of your hairy red ass. I judged each soul in turn and sent them to you if they were unworthy. If I had wanted more souls in heaven, I would simply have set my standards lower. Maybe Satan can make a case for the wealthy being worth more than an average soul, and the truly evil ones as well, but the majority of souls he has with him are simply cowardly, petty minded banshees who, while not truly evil, had no place in heaven and little chance of repaying their debt in pergotary. Basically, hell is full of useless deadbeats, while all of heaven's inhabitants are useful spirits.
Satan: You didn't say that when you attended and then insisted on starring in our production of "Miss Saigon" last month...
Sox: I'll have to interrupt you now as we're nearly out of time. Uh, one more quick question: armageddon has come and the world will soon be ruined and dead. What now for the two architects of existence, the two creators of morality?
God: ...you know I haven't really thought about it.
Satan: It's going to be a lot duller without all those souls to try and tempt.
God: Fancy a game of backgammon?
Satan: Yeah, go on then. But no rigging the dice, you cheating bastard.
God: As if I would! Jesus, be a good boy and get my board.
(The tape dies at this point, with the briefest sound of a tremendous explosion)
User Reviews
Submitted by Irish (user info) at 2004-12-05 12:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice stuff...Keep it coming!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-04 21:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to play backgammon with the devil.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-04 21:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No green, yellow, red and blinking red lights?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-04 21:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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