What Dreams? (948 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Boogiefevuh is sexy (View user info) at 2004-12-05 04:25:53 EST
Insomnia...it has cursed me for all my twenty years, and the only weapons I have against it are my pills. Or alcohol. Or both, as long as there's a space between them. Sometimes, they don't kick in as quickly as I'd like, and as ever, I'm plagued with an overactive mind. This, you see, is the reason I rarely sleep. However, tonight I've decided to share some of these random thoughts with you, so sit back, relax, and try not to wince at my madness or brilliance. My curse or my blessing. It's your choice.
Have you ever been unsure of what is dreamt? As in, your dreams have been lying to you? This is my greatest fear, you see. That my own mind had been plotting against me all this time. It knows just the right thoughts to brew up, just the right fears to expose, just the right memories to play, at all the worst moments. This is torment.
Some nights, less often than before, I remember my first true love. I remember how she betrayed me, how she took me at my most fragile, and shattered my very being. After a time of mourning, I had no choice but to begin healing. Without healing, I would fade away and be no more. But, who I was at that point had ceased to be, as I then bore the scars of betrayal. I had healed; I had become healthy on the inside again, but I was changed. Who was I to be from then on? Some questions are best left unanswered.
Other nights, I think of my current girlfriend. By far, she is the greatest thing to have ever happened to a bum like me. She is a divine angel, sculpted of perfection, glazed in beauty. She saved me from further becoming who I already was.
But it's not always her...she's not always there. Some nights, at a frightfully increasing rate, I am too worn to see the difference between lovers of present and past. Will she do the same thing? Has she already? Didn't I already go over this?
Sometimes I'll find myself shivering under my covers, frantically convincing myself she is exactly who she was last time I talked to her, and that the shadows poisoning my thoughts were precisely that: shadows. They may have had substance at one point, but I need to hold strong that a light had been cast on them; they are no longer there.
But what if a new shadow were to take form over the brilliant light of my present? Would it be darker this time? Having barely found my way out last time, would I ever see light again this time?
And of my friends. My closest confidants. They have been there through thick and thin, as long as I can remember. They never once showed one inkling of reason to distrust them.
Yet, as it grows later, why shouldn't they turn on me? Instead of seeing why they would turn on me, I can't help but focus on reasons they wouldn't. Is this healthy?
Can it be healthy to have suffered six deaths in either family, or close friends, in a span of eight months? But I got through that now, didn't I? I still held together. I am still standing strong, and no amount of repeating doubts can ever change that.
But what if they change me?
I hadn't cried in well over 13 years, since I was younger. Relative after relative had died, but my eyes remained dry. This didn't spill over until hearing of a close friend's death in Iraq, just this April. He was only 20. He taught me more about being a man than anyone else I've ever met. I loved him like a brother, and respected him like a father. I haven't stopped crying since.
My dreams tell me every night he is still alive. Everyone else is there too.
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-04-19 18:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this got progressively better and better, til the end and bam
"Some nights, at a frightfully increasing rate, I am too worn to see the difference between lovers of present and past... Sometimes I'll find myself shivering under my covers, frantically convincing myself she is exactly who she was last time I talked to her..."
there's beauty in those things, though. they're never going to dissappear, those fears -the strange is that once you're able to accept them, they cease to torment(in the same way at any rate), and not only that, but also you come to realize that you want nothing more than that very suffering they carry.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-04 16:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-12-05 23:03:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:34:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh welcome to my world. I just started using pills a few months ago, but it works like a charm. For the first month or so, you totally stop dreaming, but that eventually comes back.
...tho for a while, I dreamt about zombies attacking, like 3 times a week. THAT can't be normal...
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Oh man... I've been having the weirdest zombie dreams recently. So strange.
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SAME HERE!!!
<looks frightened>
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-06 07:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:56:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow...got lots of good scores from awesome writers.
And one from a guy who really sucks. Meh, oh well.
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Trying to tell me something?
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Wait, what?? I was referring to the -1 in there.
...unless you're using sarcasm, which I'm not so good at picking up on.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-06 07:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:56:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow...got lots of good scores from awesome writers.
And one from a guy who really sucks. Meh, oh well.
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Trying to tell me something?
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-06 00:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow lady, that's pretty odd. Hell, if zombies DON'T attack, I'll feel foolish now.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-12-05 23:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:34:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh welcome to my world. I just started using pills a few months ago, but it works like a charm. For the first month or so, you totally stop dreaming, but that eventually comes back.
...tho for a while, I dreamt about zombies attacking, like 3 times a week. THAT can't be normal...
------------------------------
Oh man... I've been having the weirdest zombie dreams recently. So strange.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
I can't relate, but this was well written.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:56:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow...got lots of good scores from awesome writers.
And one from a guy who really sucks. Meh, oh well.
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Hey. be nice to JMG114
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh welcome to my world. I just started using pills a few months ago, but it works like a charm. For the first month or so, you totally stop dreaming, but that eventually comes back.
...tho for a while, I dreamt about zombies attacking, like 3 times a week. THAT can't be normal...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-05 22:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man, i can never sleep right. i never feel good when i wake up. i never feel good when i'm laying down. i rarely dream. i don't think i've remembered dreaming about anything for about a year until recently. now sometimes i have nightmares. they are kind of like what you described- someone that is dead in life, but not in your dreams. it takes me hours to fall asleep because i just lay there and toss and turn and think. my mind is always going a million miles an hour. sometimes i feel like everything is rushing at me at an incredible rate. like i'm flying through space with amazing speed. i think and i think and i think. it never stops. the only time in my life i've ever been able to sleep is when i was a drunk. if you drink enough alcohol, you have no choice but to sleep. so i drank myself to sleep every single night for a good three years. this weekend, i was out until 7 am partying on friday night. i came home, layed in bed for three hours and tried to sleep, but couldn't. then i got out of bed and took a shower and partied all night again last night. i got home around 3:30 am or so, and then slept for a couple hours and woke up and tossed and turned the rest of the morning. i doubt i will be able to sleep tonight, either.
i hate being this way. i'd do anything to get a good night's sleep. there was a time when i slept comfortably, but i was only fortunate enough to experience it a few times and it's not going to happen again.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow...got lots of good scores from awesome writers.
And one from a guy who really sucks. Meh, oh well.
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2004-12-05 20:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
With this sort of post it's difficult to convince me that you actually have reason to be psychologically troubled, and that you're not just a whiny mofo. When you write about your girlfriend and say things like, "I remember how she betrayed me, how she took me at my most fragile, and shattered my very being" i get the idea that you're just being whiny. i dont wanna hear about it. get over it
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-05 17:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An excellent self-study.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-05 16:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly, truly awesome. Well done, sir.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-05 07:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too much time to think is a dangerous thing.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-05 07:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 for....the above.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-05 04:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
umm.... want a hug?
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-05 04:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2004-12-05 04:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-05 04:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
I really don't know what to say...