They Call Me the Bulla Man: Why Social Context is Effing Important (969 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by funkchomper (View user info) at 2004-12-05 12:49:45 EST
I've been in Montego Bay, Jamaica, for about a month now. I'm enjoying it a lot; if I had to choose somewhere to manage a struggling family business I don't think I could do better than this. The beach is amazing, the weather is great, and they make Red Stripe here for crying out loud.
About two weeks ago I was in one of the tourist shops that line the main drag across from the beach that I can't go to anymore ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/51897 ), nervously toying with one of their gimmicky key chains featuring a bronze Jamaican with a cock twice as long as his legs who does a robotic type of pelvic thrust at a willing female tourist when you pull the chain, as I am wont to do. [Not the thrusting at tourists, the playing with the keychain, that's what I'm wont to do - ed.] While scanning my surroundings to make sure no one was in earshot to hear my running commentary, I spotted a familiar package.
Bulla. It was printed right there on the label, but I didn't need to read it to recognize those squat shapes. I had lived in Jamaica for a few years in my youth, and Bulla was a favorite of mine. Nothing special, really, just a thick, flat cake with a hint of ginger.
Unfortunately, when I returned for some more the next week, they were all sold out. I asked everyone where I could get a nice, tasty Bulla and eventually I was directed to a little old lady in a dense craft market who sold them out of her shop. I was soon a regular. Whenever the people nearest the entrance of the market saw me coming, they'd shout out, "Here come de Bulla Man!" Eventually all the locals in the area took to calling me that.
I didn't mind my new nickname; at least I wasn't Whitey, Cheap Bastard, or Damn Racialist Won't Buy My Ganja anymore. That is, until last night.
I was running low on Red Stripe and made a run down to the supermarket at about 9PM. Everything here is within walking distance, so I was enjoying the night, stepping over the still forms of gently dozing prostitutes and fair haired German tourists who had either passed out or died from the sun earlier in the day, littering the sidewalk with their bodies. At the store I shelled out about $800 Jamaican and headed back with my loot. As I lifted my foot over one particularly large prostitute, she stirred, sat up, and looked up at me with a smile of recognition. "Bulla man!" she cried, and that's when I discovered she was a man. A smooth faced man with his hair in two large buns on the side of his head. Wearing a leather miniskirt. The very same man from here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52170
He got up, put his heavy arm on my shoulder, and said, "You said no before, but I heard you were looking all over for a good piece of bulla. Well, here I am, baby." (I have taken the liberty of translating his island patua into legible English for ease of viewing.) At these words I dropped my scandal bag, which hit the pavement to the tune of breaking beer bottles, and took off for home losing my sandals and toeing a German in the face along the way.
At home I asked one of my neighbors what that was all about, and after about 10 minutes of laughter he informed me that in Trinidad bulla meant "flaming homosexual male", or alternatively, "ghey menz."
Damn gay Trinidadian male hookers. Fie on you for making me spill my beer!
User Reviews
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-10 15:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I finally talked to this guy today. His name is Hewie. He's not as scary looking in the daytime, but still gladhandy.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-06 12:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The real reason I keep getting hit on: http://funkserve.no-ip.com/images/gaytowel.jpg
I'm really just asking for it, lounging around on that thing at the beach.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-06 11:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like this pic better, should have used it: http://funkserve.no-ip.com/images/red-stripe-bulla.jpg
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-05 20:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good chuckle.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-05 19:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Danke. Solidarity, my brothers.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-05 16:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-05 16:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just came back from Margaritaville and didn't get hit on once. See? It happens.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a magnet. *shrug*
I should write some posts about my stay here that don't involve me being pursued by men. Really, this doesn't happen *every* day.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-12-05 13:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They figured you out pretty quickly.