I Caught Gonorrhea Over 6 Months Ago and Only Found Out On Saturday (1508 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: The_Office
Rating: 1.71 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2004-12-06 05:02:14 EST
(One man's retribution for http://wwwwww.ubersite.com/m/52459 )
I couldn't work out why all of the office sluts kept smirking and giggling at me when I tried to chat them up during the Christmas party - fucking dykes. Needing help, I asked a friend's missus, who sat down with a guilty expression and began to regale me with a dastardly and insidious plot that had taken place over 6 months ago.
May 26th 2004
04:27am Work in - 4hrs 33Mins
Staggering along the moonlit street talking to himself, the man traversed the entire width of the pavement with his drunken meander. Mid sentence, he appeared to stumble a few paces and over-balance, falling against the front wing of a parked car before sliding onto concrete.
'Fuckit'. He mumbled theatrically.
For a while he remained on the ground, apparently finding his bearings. Then, dusting himself off, he rose and starred across the road, all traces of inebriation evaporating. After a few seconds he nodded, resumed his intoxicated gait, and continued on his way.
Silence fell on the street once again, but for a barely perceptible hissing.
Keeping watch from the shadows opposite, Robert Weatherstone steepled his hands and grinned viscously.
"Eeeeexcellent".
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09:02am: 2minutes late.
"Shitting cuntbag bastard mothafucker." I exclaim on seeing that somehow my front right tyre has become flat through the night. A quick examination shows no external damage. It had been let down.
"Cum-buckets!" I scream, but this does little for my rage, elaboration was required.
"Anal spuff-guzzling, faggot queens!" Better, but I needed a good closer.
"Cunts!!" Nice.
Sighing, I open the boot and take out the spare.
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09:45am: 45 Minutes late
Charging through the double doors, I arrive in time to see the digital wall clock click over to 09:46. Panting, I jog over to Karen's desk and attempt to look suitably apologetic-something I've perfected to a fine art following 4 years of tardiness for various office jobs.
"Karen, I'm REALLY sor..."
She interrupts with a wave of her hand: "Don't worry about it Sam. Just get started and try to catch up."
This scares the living shit out of me for two reasons. Firstly, Karen hates me. She believes (rightly) that I'm a fucking psychopath and has NEVER passed up any opportunity to ball me out (http://www.ubersite.com/m/49614). Second (and far more terrifying) was the twinkle in her eyes and the suppressed mirth that played on the corners of her mouth - In two years, the only time I'd seen the bitch come close to smiling was when her promotion was announced and at the time, I'd assumed that she was just breaking wind.
Something was afoot.
I take my seat and log on to my PC. Looking back I see Karen conversing with the other Team Leader, Bill. As their dialogue draws to a close, both look over furtively, Bill laughing uproariously. Is this some fucking weird punishment for being late?
I vocalize my thoughts to my team-mate sitting opposite.
"Dunno, mate" Weatherstone replies quietly, looking tired. "Perhaps they know something you don't?" He flashes me a mysterious grin, but before I can question him, he picks up his ringing phone and turns away, still smiling.
Wanker.
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0850am (1 hour Earlier): Work in - 10Mins
Gemma sat in the car trying to work it all out whilst her boyfriend was driving her to the office.
"This is never going to work" she concluded, "I mean, NOBODY would call up their boyfriend's work and say this. It reeks of shenanigans."
Her boyfriend looked amused, "Shenaniwhat?"
"Never mind. She'll know it's a fake"
"How?" He replied quickly, "Sure she'll suspect something initially, but when he doesn't turn up for an hour and gives an improbable excuse, it'll tie in with our story. Plus, she'd never question him about it.....would you?" he paused, and turned to look at her reassuringly "Between them, they'll do all our work for us."
She was skeptical - she understood the motive behind all this, but it had nothing to do with her and she knew better than to get involved. On the flip-side, though, she would be completely unaccountable and this could be quite fun. Her face took on a mischievous turn "Fuck it, Gimme the phone."
She dialed.
"Good afternoon Engineering Safety Services, Karen Speaking"
"Hi Karen, its Claire... errr... Sam's girlfriend?" Gemma stammered.
"Oh Hi Claire! It's great to finally speak to you, I've heard lot's about you. What Can I do for you?" Karen tried not to sound wary, but a call from a partner can mean only one thing - sickness.
"Well....er.... it's about Sam...."
"Yes?"
"Well I feel a bit awkward telling you this, but we're both adults, and I'm sure I can count on your discretion. You see, Sam's going to be a little late this morning - I've had to book him an emergency appointment at The Clinic."
"Oh Really, I hope it's not too serious?" (management-speak for 'how late?')
"Oh, he's fine, it's nothing too serious, just a burning sensation when he pees is all, I thought he should get his tackle looked at - The reason I'M calling you is because Sam'll probably turn up late and make some lame excuse rather than tell you the truth - you know what men are like - and I didn't want him to get into trouble. Could you do me a favor and try to go a little easy on him this morning... and for god's sake please don't tell him I called - he'll kill me!!"
"Don't worry, you can count on my discretion" Karen was having trouble not laughing
"Thanks - I knew I could, Byee"
<Click>
Gemma powered off the phone, put down her script, and turned again to face her boyfriend
"How was that?"
"Perfect" Weatherstone replied. "Now, Let us see where this goes..."
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
A busted man-gina
Who the fuck would question that?
Genius...
Mind if i use this on my boss next time i sleep in?
Although I'd prefer to tell the bitch myself,
Twice the laughs for me...
(yep... I fucked her)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-26 02:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this one.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-30 13:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whore.
You brilliant, brilliant man-whore, you.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-30 10:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How are you consistently brilliant and yet I've rarely read any of your stuff? Am I starting to sound gay? I am aren't I?... bollocks, I don't care.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just because it is such kickass revenge
you must have done something majorly wrong, eh?
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-06 08:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-12-06 07:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha. I must've had the shakes when I wrote it.
It was supposed to link to one of my old posts titled 'sniper'.
I won't paste the link now though cause I quite like this new one, just for the pure randomness
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-06 07:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://wwwwww.ubersite.com/ :: i am petrol.whirlycott.com ::
WTF?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-06 07:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-12-06 06:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-06 06:22:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem to have this thing going, for me anyways, when you write about your job and co-workers. An office-space esqueness, if you will, but with more mature wit.
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I don't want to camp my posts - but this is phenominally high praise, Thank You.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-06 06:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem to have this thing going, for me anyways, when you write about your job and co-workers. An office-space esqueness, if you will, but with more mature wit.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-12-06 06:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thedude (user info) at 2004-12-06 05:50:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
notify me if this post is continued. Interesting saga, make a hallmark movie send me the script.
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I'm sorry, I have no idea what this means, but errr.. thanks... i guess.
???
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-06 05:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Schweet.
Submitted by thedude (user info) at 2004-12-06 05:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
notify me if this post is continued. Interesting saga, make a hallmark movie send me the script.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-06 05:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want more of this. I need fucking more of this.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-06 05:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BARHARHARHAR!