UberMurder! First body found! Munkeypants found dead in hotel room! (1062 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.47 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Timmah http://www.these-bloody-hands.tk (View user info) at 2004-12-06 09:21:30 EST
It's a crisp early December morning. A hotel maid is doing her daily rounds and muttering to herself about the mess that some people leave behind.
"I don't know, some people just have no manners. The least they could have done was leave the towels."
She finishes up in room 100 and moves onto room 101. She opens the door and a ghastly smell hits her nostrils. Cautiously, for fear of what disgusting mess she will find, she makes her way into the bedroom.
Her eyes become wide and she lets out a blood curdling scream.
Coroners Report.
At 14:03 on the 6th of December 2004 the bloody body of Munkeypants was discovered in a hotel in Ohio called "The Fleabag".
She lay on the floor of her room, a high calibre hunting rifle round was found embedded in the wall behind her body. She had been shot directly through the right ovary. She had also been violated in the pooper, although DNA remains were non conclusive.
From extensive coronary tests it seems she was killed some 20 hours prior.
Dr Timothy Murray MD
Overseers report.
It has begun. A most heinous crime, committed only by the most heinous of minds. Poor munkeypants cut down in her prime.
The killer is on the loose and it's down to you the people of Uber to discover who is responsible. Our detectives are set to work collecting evidence and questioning witnesses and suspects. Once they provide us with a police report and a psychological analysis we shall put it down to the public vote. Keep your ears and eyes peeled for any clues that might give something away. After all, you could be next!
Tim
Deceased:
Munkeypants.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-09 12:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<rating from beyond the grave>
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-06 23:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, for anyone who want's to discuss this with the lead detective (yes fuckers, I've taken lead), IM me.
AIM: DumbBitchez
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-06 23:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I know munkeypants like I know munkeypants (which is very little), I'd say she knew her assailant, and the pooper violation wasn't forced. The pooper violator may not even be the killer. She went all the way from the east coast to Ohio, and ended up dead in a hotel. It's obvious she was meeting someone for sex. Maybe even two or three someones.
The high caliber round, and precise shot to the ovary, points to the direction of an enraged lover/stalker. Someone who was upset with her whoring around in other states, so they decided to follow her. It's most likely an east-coast Überer.
(Everything I've typed may be bullshit. Don't hold me to any of this.)
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DEATH: I believe, it was Colonel Mustard in the Library with the candlestick!
BILL: Dude! You're worng! It was Professor Plum!
DEATH: Plum! I said Plum!
TED: You said Mustard!
DEATH: Best 2 out of 3!
PS - I didn't do it.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beeb will have a ball with a shot ovary.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeh forgot to say. From now on Habeeb will be doing illustrations.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:30:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
... I just find this tedious...
If you are going to try and make it realistic? Do a little research... and don't for fuck's sake use words like 'pooper.'
==================================
A: The murderer did choose for pooper to be used. B: It's called UBERmurder. The whole point is to throw little bits of uber in there. It's just a bit of fun man. If I was going for realistic I'd have stabkill and fetish running around with axes. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! too late.
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-12-06 20:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, ANYONE COULD BE NEXT!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-06 20:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to interview the maid.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-12-06 20:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-06 12:13:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
NerfHerder or TigerLilly did it!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TigerLilly did it. She used the blue dolphin . . . in the pooper
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So was munkeypants violated before or after she was killed?
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read the title. 'Bout time!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a relief. I was starting to connect the Ohios.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't think we haven't already looked at you, d_0_s...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-13 23:40:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
20/M/ novi, MI
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51423
We're on top of things...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it was me!
i mean, it did happen in Ohio.
hint hint.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smurfs...he doesn't choose how they are murdered. Someone gives Tim the murder and how it plays out, and all he does is post it. Don't bitch to Tim, bitch to whoever killed Munkeypants. If the murderer specifically asked for the word "pooper", I assume Tim must oblige.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
... I just find this tedious...
If you are going to try and make it realistic? Do a little research... and don't for fuck's sake use words like 'pooper.'
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about the anal violation points me in the direction of Yes.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-06 19:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Citizens of the village:
As your Police Chief, I would like you all to know that my detectives and myself have begun a full investigation, trying to find the cold-blooded murderer behind of all this. Munkeypants' death is a terrible loss to all of us, and she will be truly missed.
So far our preliminary knowledge is limited, but based on what we already know, we have begun the questioning of several key suspects. These suspects will either be IM'ed or e-mailed by the end of the day for further questioning, so be aware of such notifications. Further details from our interrogation will be presented in the official police report either tomorrow or the day after.
And if any citizens have any RELEVANT information, feel free to IM me at FunnyAsCancer or email me at FunnyAsCancer.at.yahoo.com. Your insight could not only help stop another murder, but save your life as well.
Thank you for your time.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-06 18:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If they kill monkey, they could kill anyone!
I wonder if he can kill my neighbor...
Anyway, Timmah, drop me a line please, I have just a small request.
jgreening072.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-12-06 17:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh lawdy
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-06 16:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A follower of my doctrine?!
uh-oh.
rock rock on!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-06 16:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm on it.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-06 13:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-06 12:13:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
NerfHerder
=====================
Let's get ready for a lynching!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-06 13:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was it me? I can't remember. I lose time so often these days and that hotel sounds familiar.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-06 12:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NerfHerder or TigerLilly did it!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-06 12:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Habeeb = Hogman650
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-06 11:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Schlongy did it
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-06 11:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to God it wasn't me.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-06 11:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the candle stick could have been used to violate her ass.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So this rules out Prof. Plum in the Kitchen with the candlestick...
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Noooo not munkeeeeeeeeeey!
Thank fuck that I'm cast as a drooling village idiot. Yeah, nice one.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*cracks knuckles, sharpens executioner's axe*
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I forgot...
It was Degreeless!!! If there's anyone involved with hunting riflesand pooper violation, it HAS to be her.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i saw er in the bar, hittin on sailors she was.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MUHAHAHAHAHA! I mean...
NOOOOO! Not munkey!!!!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-06 09:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If there was some action in the Pooper, I would have to point the finger at Yes
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-06 09:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO! Not Munkeypants. She is my favorite.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-06 09:30:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sort me out with his AIM and I will get it sorted.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-06 09:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, not Munkey. Why, in the name of all that is unholy, why?!?!?!
*sob*
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-06 09:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This would totally rock if you had Habeeb do the illustrations.