What the fuck am I talking about. No really. No, seriously. Fucking seriously. No kidding. Straight up, man. 100 percent asking YOU! That's right, YOU! (954 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: WTF
Rating: 1.6 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sebcharrot (View user info) at 2004-12-06 13:55:05 EST
So this one time, I conveyed myself to my local newspaper merchant's and purchased myself an issue of my magazine of choice. The magazine in question was an edition of "STFU N00B". Issue number 24 I believe: "unplugging your keyboard causes orgasm". I parked my posterior upon a wooden bench in the vicinity of the merchant's and perused my copy when all of a sudden a man crashed through the glass ceiling and landed on his head. His neck broke sickeningly on the tiling and a shoe -his left, if I am not mistaken- hit me on the head. I started.
"What the FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" I managed to utter. I drew out the exclamatory questioning in my voice for a goodish 2 minutes when an old lady sprayed mace in my face to shut me the fuck up. After piledriving her into the dust and stealing her pension, I walked over to the crumpled heap of a man that still lay in the midst of the
broken glass and turned him over.
"Good day, sir. I cannot seem but to notice with mine very eyes that your person did, in fact, break the glass o'er our very heads and land on the floor in an unpleasant fashion. May I be of service in the area of telephoning certain ambulance-oriented parties to help you?"
He punched me in the ankle and grogged a beaster straight into my peeper. I became ruffled, eased the glove from my right hand and slapped it across his unshaven face. With this action, I cried "Fuck you!" with enough bile to pickle a testicle.
He jumped to his feet and dropkicked me in the small of the back. Somehow. My head caught itself in a nearby bin which I was unfortunate enough to be dropkicked into, and I resolved myself to showing this ruffian the way of the dragon without the aid of my eyes.
I backflipped into a plantpot and toppled over, realising devilishly late that I had in fact caught my scrotum upon a cactus. Blood and what seemed to be semen -from the smell of it- effused in large proportions from my torn baby-balloon. I'm sure my eyes would have watered had a pair of pampers not been in my face. I damned the oh-so-efficient water-absorbing properties as my face began to dry up. I could feel the liquid seeping from my eyeballs. I knew it had to be finished soon.
With renewed vigour, I jumped to my feet and ran into a shop display. As I lay flat on my stomach, the ruffian proceeded to kick me fiercely up the jacksy, causing me to ejaculate screams from my trash-receptacle headwear. But I had a final trick up my sleeve.
As my consciousness ebbed and I was drawn into sleep, I turned around and pulled out my luger. I screamed a muffled yet vitriolic "Zich Heil!" and shot randomly until I ran out of bullets. I found a potato in my jacket pocket and threw that too.
From the lack of kicking to my nether regions, I knew the job was done. I eased off the bin and, content with ridding the world of a vulgar ruffian, set about the rest of my business.
END
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-14 08:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I found a potato in my jacket pocket and threw that too. "
I cried.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66233#1323503
thanks man. You rock!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-01-06 23:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. What the fuck?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-13 15:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa there kilty.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I recommend that as many people as possible join Mystiamoon's cult. You get free cookies and naked pictures of Hidden and Mysti posing with assorted stuffed animals.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PWESOME.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are the kind of guy we would like in our cult.
i'm sending you cookies.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-06 18:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was *trying* to avoid indelicately pointing that out. Obviously, you don't CARE about the smear that your... mmm... non-Scottish heritage leaves on your already fairly grubby reputation. Fine. I was just trying to help.
Fucking Frenchie.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 18:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes I am, Quasi. Yes I am.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-06 17:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you a superhero?
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 17:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LadyPlural- Hahahahahahaha. Only half. The other half is french!
...oh.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-06 17:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's because you're Scottish.
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-06 16:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" After piledriving her into the dust and stealing her pension..."
Ha that line secured your +2
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Random?
Yes, yes indeedy.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You'd think that, would you Prof? Well pray tell, what words seem too eloquent to possibly be in this post? If you look at it I'm not using long or intricate words; I'm just being long-winded. Just because I have a good vocabulary doesn't mean I must be using a thesaurus.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Looks like someone got a brand new thesaurus.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you! :D
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, by the way...
Happy Birthday Wiki!
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:16:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Is this a page out of your mad libs book? I can play too...
...so i rode the VAGINA to the barn, but all the other VAGINAS had escaped. I called my friend SAM to get help, but he was too busy grooming his VAGINA to come over. Well, how am I going to catch all my escaped VAGINAS? Then I remembered about my BASEBALL BAT, and realized that catching the escaped VAGINAS would be no problem. Unfortunately, I really needed to POOP so I had to wait untill later...
...wow, that was fun, and better than your post. -2 DIE! for laming up my afternoon.
--------------------------------
If you can post better than me, why don't you big shot?
Or are you too scared you've pissed off too many people?
Eh? Alter? Eh?
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because..
IT'S MY MUTHAFUCKIN 21ST BIRTHDAY!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for stealing the hag's pension
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is this a page out of your mad libs book? I can play too...
...so i rode the VAGINA to the barn, but all the other VAGINAS had escaped. I called my friend SAM to get help, but he was too busy grooming his VAGINA to come over. Well, how am I going to catch all my escaped VAGINAS? Then I remembered about my BASEBALL BAT, and realized that catching the escaped VAGINAS would be no problem. Unfortunately, I really needed to POOP so I had to wait untill later...
...wow, that was fun, and better than your post. -2 DIE! for laming up my afternoon.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what you just said. +2 for confusing me.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:00:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
A bit more practice, and the GLALL style will work well for you
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Hahaha, please don't try and say I copied GLALL. I actually wrote a post a lot like this before he was here. (though under an alter). Sorry it seemed forced, It must have been cos I wrote it in the one session.
Damn, as always. I wonder what factor makes me suck?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't say why, but I kind of liked this.
Submitted by kiketta (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm so glad you have a thesaurus
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why must you torment me?
I like kit kats
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A bit more practice, and the GLALL style will work well for you. This seemed slightly forced, but it was a jolly good effort. You will get a +2 upon my viewing of a slightly more natural-sounding post. Again, decent try, but it needed work.
Or maybe I'm just bitter at the grade that I got on my trig final exam. Fuck you, numbers.