But I Can Work a Cash Register While High (823 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.31 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by miss_behvn (View user info) at 2004-12-06 13:56:46 EST
Today I had to go for a drug test and it reminded me of this job I had (very briefly) about 7 years ago. I haven't done illegal drugs in about 6 years so todays test is just a pain in the ass errand on my day off.
A couple of year ago I needed to earn some extra money for the holidays. Prior to that year I had always worked as a server and made tons of money around christmas. Trying to get a job that would be close to the career path I was on, I was working in a docotrs office making about negative $2.00 an hour. Not buying any special gifts on that kind of flow!
Where in the world would anyone be hiring around the holidays? Toys R us of course! Millions of dollars being spent on parents frantic to buy their childrens love. Grandparents spoiling the hell out of bratty, snot filled grandkids. I could benefit from this situation!
I apply in person and am hired to work the cash register. I go through the first day of training on the register and have get the hang of it in about five minutes. Takes no brain cells at all. Scan, scan, scan total, take money or credit card. Scan, scan, scan and on and on and on. About an hour into my mind numbing shift the shift leader informs me that on my break I need to take a drug test.
Uh Oh! Big uh oh! How could I have missed the sign on the door stating that they are a drug free workplace? I was an avid pot smoker. And by avid I mean everyday a couple of times a day. You know the song by sublime, smoke 2 joints? "Smoke 2 joints in the morning, smoke 2 joints at night. Smoke 2 joints in the afternoon, makes me feel all right." Yeah, that was me, except it was bong hits. I had even tried my hand at um..lets call it distribution to help pay for my habit.
Ok, dont panic, I will just go with the flow and see what happens. On my break they take me to the bathroom to take a sample of my THC laden piss. Thinking I was slick I peed in the toilet and then scooped some urine into the cup, hoping that the water from the toilet would dilute the sample enough so that I would pass the test ( yes folks, they did not have the blue dye and temperature thing on the cups).
Two weeks go buy with no word on my drug test. I think I am in the clear. Damn I'm clever! I even stopped smoking thinking that they may request another sample because the first one was too diluted. I was wrong! Not only did I get fired, I found out that even with my diluting trick, I was still off the THC scale.
Lesson learned? Hell no, I got 2 weeks worth of extra money and bought all the gifts I wanted to get all those special poeple I love. I know you would think I would take that 2 weeks of not smoking and run with it, but no. I ran right over to my friend Joses house and smoked out.
So young uberites, the point? Don't smoke? No. Don't apply for a job that requires drug testing if you are a pothead? No.
Do not apply for a job that requires drug testing if you are a pothead without first taking precations. Yep, thats it, now go forth and get those holiday jobs.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-12-08 09:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're gifted, I can barely work my coffee pot high. Mmm, stoned coffee.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just go into any head shop or if all else fails, GNC and tell them you are looking for a purification tea. They will ask you if you weigh more or less than 200 pounds and charge you $30 for a bottle of stuff that will taste like utter crap. Follow the direction on the bottle, enjoy your new job.
Also don't listen to "them" when they tell you that there is no such a thing as an otc drink that will beat a drug test - idiots.
it's the space race baby
I think I'd have to be high to work at Toys-R-Us.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wow what an invasion of privacy, a drugs test to work in a shop?
jebus, you americans are fucked up.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bueno!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Take a razor, preferably a sharp one, lock yourself in a bathroom, start to cut (note: this bit is very important!) DOWN your wrist (not across) DOWN! and then just ya know.
BLEED TO DEATH!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For -$2 an hour. I laughed, I don't know why.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-12-06 20:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:02:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
Drug tests? HA! Buy a bottle of TestPure and be in the clear
Where would one find this TestPure?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-06 20:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story and good advice miss_behvn.
You know shlongy if we can find a shred of evidance to support your theory im on that band wagon.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-06 18:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I read - or maybe I just mde this up - that if a female drinks a lot of my semen, it may help reduce the amount of THC, PCP and LSD detected in your urine sample.
I guess what I'm saying is that Shlongy would be happy to help any of you pass your urinalysis.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-06 17:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drink alot of cranberry juice.
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-12-06 15:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's true, after college I stopped smoking for a while then got a somewhat professional job and they didn't test.
Damn I was pissed.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because..
IT'S MY MUTHAFUCKIN 21ST BIRTHDAY!!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha
proffesional jobs NEVER test, kinda don't ask don't tell policy around here
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Drug tests? HA! Buy a bottle of TestPure and be in the clear
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-12-06 14:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was decent, but I need a pic of yer boobs to ROUND out the story.