Bangkok (1633 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Isaac Bickerstaff (View user info) at 2004-12-06 21:24:51 EST
So you wanna know what I'm doing in Bangkok, child? Cuz I'll tell ya straight up, even if you couldn't tell by the creaking in my joints or the unshaven weariness on my once-upon-a-time good lookin face. But that was a couple broken noses and several broken hearts back, and now I'm starting to show the scars from both.
If you ask my therapist what I'm doing in Bangkok, he'll say I'm "sabotaging any chance at a workable relationship by being on the road and emotionally unavailable all the time." One of these days I'm gonna fire his overpaid ass and get my abuse from my mother like a normal person.
My manager, JD, says I'm "Nailing the opportunity for hot and cold running starlets." Perspective, man, that's what JD gives me: perspective. All I know is I gotta be at the stadium in two days for a big kung-fu exhibition and right now all I can think of is her and how I probably should have told her I was gonna go to Bangkok.
Currently I'm walking down Pat Pong road in the serious thick of all the nastiness; and when I say "nastiness," my people, I don't mean the American notion of what a sketchy red-light district would look like in a third world country. I mean the honey thick, oil soaked air of twelve year old hookers and pre-op transsexuals; I mean the pounding rock and roll thud that hardly covers the screaming of drunken foreigners and the cries of mugging victims. The streets are packed, my brothers, with pedophile cops in full on rock and roll bondage gear, polysexual skid row hookers with floral vine tattoos running up their AIDS ravaged legs, dope-fiend dignitaries hiding behind the tinted automatic windows in their state issued sedans, and Tommy Bahama dressin' frat boy fuck-ups lookin for trouble that they'll never be able to handle. It feels like home... wherever that is.
Fucking therapist.
So what am I doing in Bangkok, man? I mean, let's be honest, it's all hiding, right? When you're not there. Not, you know, THERE. With the girl, I mean. Anytime you're not with the GIRL, I mean... It's all just hiding right?
Alright, bitch, so I'm HIDING in Bangkok and I'm walking down Pat Pong road with my manager JD, and a lunatic stuntman named Bobby Knight who falls off of stuff for a living and a couple of the dancers from the show; little blond types; the types that make you nervous when you're walking down Pat Pong road with em in the middle of the night and there's more than a little drunkin' debauchatude going on all around swirled together with a fuckload of Asian gangsters hard packed with sharp shit and gats
It was Bobby Knight who saw it first and had the idea, the fucking idea, the truly preposterous fucking idea, for one of us to get in the ring with that guy. Nobody does that, right? I mean, nobody climbs into a street ring in Bangkok that's got ropes and shit and actually fights the 19-year-old Muey Thai Motherfucker up there in the ring, right? And the announcer is like a Fear and Loathing version of Dick Clark after a rough night on Santa Monica and he's yelling into this mic like it's not workin, like he's gotta yell for us to hear him and all I can think is that someone oughtta tell the little old guy that we CAN hear him and for the love of God stop shouting.
But it gets our attention and that's the point I guess and Bobby Night is already shoving me toward the ring barking, "C'mon, Zach, get in there and curb stomp the little slope. You're like a cyber-ninja, right?" And JD, never one to let me pass up an opportunity to seriously injure myself adds, "Dude, this is the shit legends are made of," and then to further solidify the Odysean magnitude of his heroic vision of our epic adds, "besides, you're a faggot if ya don't."
Now I gotta tell you right now that there is no fucking way I am getting in that ring so don't let your mind go there cuz there is no fucking way. That skinny cat up there has got me by like ten years and I'm looking at his pupils and they're like pinpricks from all the crystal he's on and he's shadowboxing and scanning the growing crowd to see who it's gonna be. Whose it gonna be, pussies...Don't hide...whose it gonna be?
And without even thinking about it I'm already all up in my head, "Left handed, favors his back leg, scars on his shins cuz he likes to kick close range..." but there is NO way I'm getting up in there, "twitchy eyes, he'll be fast, probably doesn't hit hard but will certainly hit FAST, little finger has been broken on the left side cuz he flicks his jabs..." but no worries cuz I am NOT GETTING UP IN THERE.
One of the dancers with us is Nadine and she's all cheerleader-licious and bouncy and shit and her eyes are all wide with wonder at the strange new world she's found herself in. I notice while she's talking that she's wearing pink lip-gloss and I watch her mouth move cuz I don't really wanna hear what she's actually saying. Instead I hear my therapist's voice, "Relationships require two things: love and workability. Now you've got plenty of the first, but workability requires presence, and you're clearly not very present..."
So you wanna know what I'm doing in Bangkok, my brothers? Cuz I'll tell ya, right now I'm stripping down to my boxers cuz I don't wanna get blood on my good clothes and I'm watching as Bobby Night starts betting AGAINST me, the fucker, with a couple Aussie sailors who wanted to put money, "on da white guy."
I take off my shoes cuz the mat is muslin and you can grip it better with your toes, and besides I need my socks to wrap my hands in cuz I don't have any tape or gloves and breaking your little fingers on someone's jaw is always a real possibility and sucks just the same. I snatch the scrunchie that Nadine is using to hold her ponytail on top of her head and stick it in my mouth so my teeth don't crunch together when I get hit, and hear me when I say this bitches, I was about to get motherfucking HIT. All the while the announcer is bellowing into his Mr. Microphone, "Issa John Cwahd VawnDawm! Issa John Cwahd VawnDawm!" and I'm draggin my sorry carcass into this rickety ass street ring and thinking maybe I should have learned how to play a musical instrument. Chicks dig musicians, right, musicians and poets, guys who don't have calluses on their knuckles.
She likes musicians. Fuck I should be home.
But I aint, bitches, I'm hiding in Bangkok in a blood stained street ring in my Calvin's with whites socks wrapped around my knuckles and the taste of cheap hairspray in my mouth and I can hear Bobby Night saying to my manager, "Christ, JD, why don't you feed that guy sometimes?" The Thai cat is sitting on his wooden stool at the other end of the ring and shooting bullets out of his eyes into my shattered heart and I'm standing there looking around at the Dalhi painting I've just stumbled into and my manager JD yells over to the little old announcer guy, "Yo, Kip Chee, what're the rules in this Tarzan movie?" The old man gurgles out that he doesn't understand and JD goes, "Rules, puppy eater, rules!" When the light finally goes off on the old mans face, he starts shouting, "No wooles, twee wounds, no wooles!" There's a sign that says, "4 Hunnard Dolares for tree rounds with Thai Champion!!" and I'm thinking that I don't see no champions, just a doped up kid with too heavy gloves and too big shorts. But I aint got time to pontificate you sorry bastards cuz right about then, the bell goes off.
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And JD, never one to let me pass up an opportunity to seriously injure myself adds, "Dude, this is the shit legends are made of,"
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-26 17:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you think.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-06-10 03:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by refusenik (user info) at 2006-03-17 06:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Antil (user info) at 2006-03-17 06:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-17 06:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am slowly reading your work. It's difficult, I read one or two, then walk away shaking my head in slightly pissed off respect.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bam, motherfuckers.
Submitted by LadyJay (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I take it back , just saw bangkok 2.... excuse me...
Submitted by LadyJay (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, YOU CANT DO THAT, YOU CANT JUST NOT SAY WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2005-06-29 04:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-06-26 11:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-16 12:33:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin ell
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-24 17:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool post!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-06-24 17:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BUMP
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-13 22:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perspective, man, that's what JD gives me: perspective.
Anyone read this sentense the same way I did?
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-13 22:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my fucking god, can I have your babies?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-16 12:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin ell
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pat Pong ain't that bad. At least not when I was there.
Submitted by Rocktsrgn (user info) at 2005-01-05 14:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for goodness!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-05 14:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it better when it had Leonardo DiCaprio in it and it was called "The Beach."
Just kidding dude - actually this was awesome. +2 for you.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-05 14:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-31 10:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK!
Just FUCK
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-23 15:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To the hills of damnation.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-20 19:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-20 18:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kickass!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-17 01:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment