EPISODE 45: “The Return of the College-Guy” (2219 hits)
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Submitted by <sparky19852.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-07 07:30:00 EST
EPISODE 45: "The Return of the College-Guy"
WARNING: The following was written by someone who has been clinically diagnosed as a sociopath.
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Hey, gang. As you are aware, I recently have had run-ins with the jocks at my college. If you are not familiar with the story (and if you care), you can read these posts:
Episode 4 - "First Fight at College" (Sep. 10, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/44668
Episode 8 - "College Wars" (Sep. 20, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/45652
Episode 25- "The Football Team Strikes Back" (Nov. 6, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/50785
Nevertheless, here's the story:
So it was a regular Friday night and most of the football team was hanging out together at a pizza place near the college. The team likes to stick together all the time, in case they feel like spontaneously engaging in butt-sex.
At eight o'clock, at least a dozen of the guys were in the restaurant. So, I walked in. The little bell on the door jingled behind me. Instead of getting a seat, I stood there in the doorway, with my arms crossed.
The football team stared at me.
The quarterback, Todd, saw me. He stood up. Then all the rest of the team, clad in their letterman jackets, stood up as well.
"Hey, guys" I smiled. "Having a fun date?"
"You lookin' to get your ass pounded?" Todd asked.
"No," I said. "I'm sure you guys would love to POUND my ass, but I'm not really into that shit, you know?"
"We're gonna fuck you up, Sam!" one turd yelled, pointing at me.
"Fine," I smiled. "The only thing is..." I picked up a pitcher of soda off a table. "...you have to catch me."
At that moment, I swung the pitcher in the general direction of the team. Soda splashed through the air and landed across the team, their girls, and some other people. In an instant, I was running out of the restaurant and the team was chasing me.
I ran down an alley and the team was right behind me. Then, I turned the corner behind the building. As the team turned the corner too, they stopped dead in their tracks. Behind the building was not only all my friends from my hometown, but also my black friend Teddy and his gang. There we were, fifteen guys in all, standing face-to-face with the football team.
"Now," I said. "I wanna hear all of you say that you're bitches."
Todd stepped forward. "We'll kick all your asses!"
Just then, three or four of the football players turned back into the alley.
"Looks like your boys are chicken shits," Teddy said.
"Fuck you, nigger!" one of the football players said.
With that, Teddy's gang started throwing shit. Without any delay, I charged for Todd and the rest of my buddies attacked the football team. Honestly, the scene was inspiring—straight out of "Braveheart" or something.
Like one of his own, I lunged at Todd and tackled him. I was on top of him. I punched him in the cheek. He gave me an uppercut to the jaw. I punched him again. He hit me hard enough to knock me off from on top of him.
I got to my feet and he got to his.
"Fuck you," I said, swinging at him.
Todd ducked my punch. With my arm above him, Todd quickly rose to his feet. Grabbing my arm, he pulled me over his shoulders—into a fireman's carry. Then, with me on his shoulders, he fell to the ground. I hit against the pavement hard.
I rolled over and again got to my feet. We stood, again face-to-face, as my friends and the blacks were fighting with the jocks.
"You're a punk!" Todd screamed.
"And you're a faggot!" I yelled.
He jabbed at me and I backed away. Then I swung at him and he backed away. I jumped towards him and pushed him. I tried to push him over, but he didn't fall. Then, he wrapped his arm around my head, put me in a headlock, and started wrenching my neck.
"Who's the bitch?" he asked.
"YOU ARE!" I yelled.
"WHO'S THE BITCH?!?" he screamed, wrenching my neck harder.
I stomped on Todd's foot as hard as I could. Then, as he recoiled in pain, I elbowed him in the gut, forcing him to let go of my head. As he grabbed his gut, I punched him right in the nose, hard enough to break it. Blood came gushing down Todd's face.
Then I punched Todd again. Then again. I kept on hitting him until he toppled over. I stomped on the bastard. I stomped again and again. I stomped the shit out of him. He was down and out. He was unconscious. But I kept stomping. I kept kicking every part of him. I wanted him broken. I wanted him dead.
As I ran out of breath, I looked around me. My friends and Teddy's homeboys were staring at me, slightly battered and bruised.
"You got 'em?" Teddy asked sarcastically.
"Yeah," I smiled. "I think I got him."
Teddy walked up to Todd and went through his pockets. He took out his wallet and swiped whatever cash he had.
"That's for the drugs," Teddy said.
With that, the fifteen of us went to a party. A few of us even got lucky with some high school sluts. By the end of the night, I knew that I had heard the last of the football team. We had beaten the shit out of them and they would never be back.
And if they do come back, well, then next time...we'll kill those fuckers.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR COLLEGE-GUY FANS:
On my 50th Post, I will be answering questions from my fans on personal issues. I am looking for really good "Dear Abby" questions for me, The College-Guy, to answer.
So, all my fans—Chinaski, Someone, Krista, Durel, Zakalwe, King HFB, etc.—and anyone else interested, please send me questions at:
Sparky19852.at.yahoo.com
The good ones will get posted. Sarcastic jackass emails will be deleted. Thanks a lot, gang!
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
**********************************************
THE CHRONICLES OF COLLEGE-GUY
**********************************************
SEASON ONE - "Introduction to College-Guy"
Episodes 1 through 11 (September 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/52904
SEASON TWO - "The Death of College-Guy"
Episodes 12 through 22 (October 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/52905
SEASON THREE - "The Banishment of College-Guy"
Episodes 23 through 28 (November 2004, Part I) http://www.ubersite.com/m/52906
SEASON FOUR - "The Trials of College-Guy"
Episodes 29 through 37 (November 2004, Part II) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53090
SEASON FIVE - "A Complete Idiot's Guide to College-Guy"
Episode 38- "My Secret Admirer" (Dec. 1, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53091
Episode 39- "A Night with the Ninja Turtles" (Dec. 4, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53417
Episode 40- "A Few Great Legal Drugs" (Dec. 5, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53453
Episode 41- "Lesbians Galore" (Dec. 5, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53456
Episode 42- "My Favorite Day of the Week: BPS" (Dec. 5, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53472
Episode 43- "In Honor of MY Hero" (Dec. 6, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53587
Episode 44- "A Regular Day for the College-Guy" (Dec. 6, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53617
Episode 45- "The Return of the College-Guy" (Dec. 7, 2004) YOU'RE HERE
User Reviews
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-03 13:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I didn't see this series earlier.
I am hooked. You are appreciated.
Submitted by thundercracker (user info) at 2004-12-21 04:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the more believable posts. Im just wondering with a life as interesting as his why he is wasting his time here. Anyhow I'm glad I get to take a peak. I believe he is a sociopath which is reason enough to read.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2004-12-21 04:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was good
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-20 16:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by stevendurel (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kre8rix: "Welcome back."
---
Kre8rix, this isn't actually his return.
Am I the only one that got the clever title joke?
"College Wars" = STAR WARS
"The Football Team Strikes Back" = THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
"The Return of the College-Guy" = THE RETURN OF THE JEDI
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
my this was special
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-12-07 10:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Something about you bothers me.
Oh yeah you are full of complete shit.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-12-07 10:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice
Welcome back
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-07 08:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could have seen that.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-07 07:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll send the e-mail after 3pm EST.
Good post.