When Everyday Objects Attack (2447 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.89 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-07 11:25:55 EST
These are some of the things I'm afraid of. This post could also have been called "Why they don't let me go outside alone any more."
User Reviews
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really, really shouldn't be here.
me neither, but damn, that was goooood!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really, really shouldn't be here.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-18 06:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this post of yours.
+2 because it is hilarious, but what really won me over was that little wooden dragon-thingy in the bottom picture. I swear I used to have one of those, but I don't know what happened to it....
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-09 17:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-08 10:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine are very well behaved. I only wanted one, but I was gone alot and I felt bad so I got a kitten to keep my other cat company. They are spoiled, they have 2 scratching posts and a whole kitty jungle type thing in the spare room so they never scratch anything but their own stuff.
I also found that giving them alot of their "own" stuff really helps keep them out of your stuff. My cats liked the strings in my coats and sweatshirts so I gave them one of their own from an old sweatshirt. They liked to get under all my throw rugs and mess them up so I bought them a cheap one from the dollar store and put it in front of their scratching post and now they only mess up that rug and leave the rest alone.
If you have certain things that the cat just wont leave alone, if it's possible try to give him one to play with and he will most likely leave yours alone. If it gets on counters and tables a squirt gun works wonderfully also there is a "pets off" spray that is non toxic and smells like pepper and keeps them off furniture and stuff like that.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-08 10:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Everyone loves shiny objects...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-08 10:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mystia - If you look under its front feet, you can see what it did to my table. Yeah, it's cute, but it likes to break all my stuff. Don't let the sweet face and Russian Blue coloring fool you.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-08 07:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i keep coming back to look at that kitty. it's one of the cutest kitty pics i've ever seen. it's all posed and looking proud. alot of people hate cats. i love them. i have cool cats tho, they fetch, like to play in running water and dig going for car rides. i think my cats turn out more like dogs because i treat them more like dogs.
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-12-08 07:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is the cutest fucking cat I have ever seen.
Submitted by Ka (user info) at 2004-12-08 06:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This totally rocked.
I'm terrified of my work desk. I swear it's after me.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-08 06:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? No. Lumber Lung? No. Jugglers despair?
No. Achy-Breaky Pelvis? No. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled.
I'm sick of being so healthy! Hey wait -- Hyper-Obesity. If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.
-- Homer Simpson
King-Size Homer
If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.If you
weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-08 06:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that cat is adorable
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-12-08 05:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Circe, how I love you. That was funnier than...well...pretty much everything!
You are the queen of all things that require queen-dom. (except ghey men, they have Caul)
I want to make babies with you.
By which I mean, of course, that I want to engage in the baby-making process with you, while not actually having any babies. Cause let's face it, babies require demon-infested hell-spawned republican-sponsored toys. And I'm just not into that kind of thing...
Keep 'em coming. They're all that stand between me and terminal boredom...
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-12-07 19:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked my ass all over the place.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-12-07 18:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lilacs, eh?
A little dormant oil should clear that catarpillar problem right up. Contact a certified arborist near you to find out more.
...as for that other shit, I can't help you.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-07 17:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, it's official. I am also scared of your couch, although it may be the pattern more than the cushions, and I am very attracted to your kitty.
Submitted by rhi (user info) at 2004-12-07 16:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocked.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-07 16:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminded me of the pet name "Boo-boo Kitty-Fuck" from Jay and Silent Bob. My family's cat's name is Jack, after the Ripper, Sparrow, and the articles in Fight Club.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-12-07 15:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thnx....:-)
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-12-07 15:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-07 15:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So THAT'S why you got all horrified when I mentioned looking in your couch for the CDs and missing children!
It's really ok, children are kinda like birds - they have a 6th sense that allows them to detect the earth's magnetic field and find their way home...unless they've been abused and/or neglected, as their artwork suggests, in which case they will end up being kidnapped and sold into slavery. (I'll let you know when I receive them.)
----
I don't say this often, but BORED @ MUTHAFUCKIN' WORK! Bart is a total ass if he doesn't accept this nomination.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice... hangers attack me everyday...
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in your couch. Come hang out. We'll chat.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that a giant squid attacking your son?
On a different note, that's quite a collection
of sex toys in that bottom pic... I didn't know
they made them shaped like dolphins or mustard
jars. And the teddy bear... that's just plain
creative.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
circe, if i could marry you, i would. but for now, could you make a pocket-sized version so i could keep you with me at all times and pull a string to hear the...the...the uh, absolutely wonderfully fabulous orgasm-inducing things (!!!) that you have to share with us?
i'll even crazily accost the mall santa to ask him if i need to...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
also... throw those fucking caterpillary things at your enemies. I used to chuck them at my brother... apparently, when they're struck, they sting. And it's funny to watch your brother roll around clutching at whatever patch of bare flesh you managed to make contact with, using deadly aim and geurilla warfare tactics.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe... I love you.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I think it speaks to me in dreams.
- - -
Jesus on a trampoline this was hardcore funny.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still laughing.
And that's from HOURS ago, dammit!
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-12-07 14:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dolphins are from me.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Needs more cowbell.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to take your medication...EVERY DAY. Crazy people are so funny....
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ahhhh! The cushions! I used to be afraid of them
too when I was kid. I thought the couch was going to eat
me up.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should -2 this because I know the really dangerous stuff is in your bedroom.
At my place the really dangerous stuff lives in the fridge.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, wwe can tell you like beating him with the hose"
Oh holy fuck.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, this was great.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I eat babies.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-07 12:00:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you lojope!
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:55:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You people...over...there have the most ridiculous populations of Creepy Things That Drop On Your Head From Trees. I remember when I lived in Doncaster there was this one tree in the front garden that I sprinted under every day on my way to school because the damn thing would drop bugs on me.
Cute cat though.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:44:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am puzzled that I once disliked you. This was great.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm not. You are the king of hating people based on bad judgement calls that make no sense. :o)
Just kidding... I *heart* Caul!
...but I'm not actually kidding.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I like your kid.
Caul - You should see it in high summer. It looks just the same, but brown and dead and not really the same at all. And most gardens in Australia don't look like that - just mine. I'm what they call 'special'.
(Read - unimpressed by the idea of taming nature. I'm very Zen in my approach to gardening. Who am I to decide what lives and dies? Who am I to decide what is a weed and what is a plant? Let nature take its course. I'll be in the car, hiding from my kids.)
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be sitting in the living room late at night with the TV volume down low. I will be just on the verge of dozing when I hear DING DING DING DING DING!!!
Gaddamn kids toys going off in the middle of the night.
They are possessed by Barney (Satan).
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cute kitty
Your kids are going to write one of those tell all books about you when they grow up.
try not to think about it
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am puzzled that I once disliked you. This was great.
Australian backyards have more vegatation than canadian ones. Damn Commonwealth climate favoritism.
I'll just proceed to blame England because it's getting pretty cold here.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teephphah - I'm afraid to touch the freaking things. Not to linkwhore, but I wrote about them before. It's called "this wasn't in the manual".
I REALLY hate those toys.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That artwork is nothing compared to my kid's masterpiece, which I titled "The Thanksgiving Day Massacre". All of the little kids in his class were supposed to draw a nice picture of the pilgrims and natives having their first Thanksgiving feast.
Let's just say that the Indians won.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, kitty!
I mean fuck!
I mean...eh. Anyway, it's cute and the caterpillar thing made me wince a little. Ew.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and when the toys get possessed and start chanting "REDRUM," "REDRUM!" That means it is time to change the batteries.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahah, I love you.
And aww, kitty. Looks kinda like my kitties when they were little. And yes, they are evil. Oh so evil....
Submitted by acidreflux (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That yellow kids toy with the balls that roll down the little chutes absolutely ROXX YOUR FACE OFF!!!!
I think I play with it more than my son ever did.
But, I tend to get distracted by shiny objects too.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:33:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry, this just isn't a kicker of all ass. calling a cat 'fuck' makes me smile though.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your cat looks really, really pissed off.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and then you're just stuck with the kid's artwork, and everyone's opinion on them. and you're also stuck never going outside ever again.
eh.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
here's wha tyou gotta do:
feed the cat to the catipillars.
let them breed in teh couch, underneath the tree.
and then destroy them all with the al ien pod things.
then just kill the aliens with the jungle gym