UberMurder! Police report through! First suspect named! (1327 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.46 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Timmah http://www.these-bloody-hands.tk (View user info) at 2004-12-07 21:34:16 EST
From the desk of:
Police Chief FunnyAsCancer
Munkeypant's murder was a surprise to everyone, especially to us on the police force. When we heard there was a murderer amongst us, we on the force never believed munkeypants would be the first potential victim. A smiling and happy figure, munkeypants was one of few truly pure citizens of our small community. Her demise is a tragic loss, and we here on the squad are dedicated to avenging her death.
Since we first received news of her untimely passing, the detectives and I have been analysing information, possible suspects, and motives, while sifting through countless records and files. Based on information recovered at the crime scene, we were able to make the following deductions:
- The violation of munkeypant's "pooper" would seem to clearly indicate a male presence. However, since DNA testing proved inconclusive, we cannot regard this male suspicion to be truthful. A woman may have simply inserted a broom or other pole-like instrument in order to throw us off.
- However, the point of entry of the bullet wound, the ovary, seems to be a psychologically conclusive reasoning that the perpetrator is in fact a male. This sick and unusual choice of targeting seems to fall in line with that of a man. However, we are only assuming here; we have not decided anything final yet.
- The time and place of the murder, 6pm EST Sunday, in Ohio, only seems to suggest proximity. The time of the murder, late on a Sunday evening, leads us to believe the murderer lives close to the general area. Obligations at a place of work or school would force them to return home by the end of the weekend, and committing a murder does not leave them much time to return home and clean up.
- Finally, the hunting rifle. The calibre tells us the murderer is experienced with guns of such magnitude.
Based on the limited information we have been able to recover at this time, I, as your Chief of Police, have had to come to a very rough decision. There have been several suspects that have crossed our minds, but only one stood out noticeably from the rest: GodLovesALittleLovin.
Reviewing his file, one can clearly see how suspicion could be drawn to him.
- He lives in Ohio.
- He is male.
- GLALL has shown himself to be familiar with automatic weapons, such as when he said, "Goddamn you Ted Nugent, why couldn't you cover that song and make it a staple of modern society with your hunting antics and no-drugs policy?" and "I went out to my car and got the .50 Desert Eagle from underneath my seat," as well as "I almost pulled the trigger on several occasions, but I have come too far to let that cocksucker win now."
- Mr. GLALL has motive: http://www.ubersite.com/m/51365. Following the humiliation of this incident, GLALL would be furious at munkeypants. Perhaps even enough to kill her?
- And perhaps the most damning evidence of all, http://www.ubersite.com/m/48807#886942. Here he clearly states intent to do munkeypants "in the pooper."
Based on the evidence we have at this time, I am suggesting as your Chief of Police to indict Mr. GLALL. In the present moment, we have the strongest case against him, in addition to the fact that he has refused testimony in defence of himself, despite being given the chance.
Chief of Police, FunnyAsCancer
Overseers report.
I'd like to thank the chief of police for his and his team's sterling efforts. With such little evidence to go on they have surely done excellent work.
But before you all go voting for GodLovesALittleLovin just make sure you're voting for who YOU think is the murderer. After all the killer can be sly. It could all be a front to pass the blame on to someone else.
Whoever you vote for make sure your vote is true to yourself and vote for who you believe to be the murderer, NOT WHO YOU WANT DEAD.
Tim
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-15 23:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
- He lives in Ohio.
- He is male.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-15 23:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MY VOTE GOES TO DEAD_OHIO_SKY. He is the murderer!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-15 09:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry nothing has been happening. The murderer hasn't been online to tell me whats happening. I'll give it two more days and if he/she still hasn't been online or emailed me I'll move accomplice to murderer and get a new accomplice.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, what's the deal with this? Is it still going on?
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-12-13 02:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Davros!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-13 02:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So...this sure turned out to be fun, eh?
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2004-12-11 21:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IT WAS DAVROS!!!!!!!!!!
Do to the evidence of the victim being violated in "the pooper" idicates it was him!!!
Incase you haven't read many of Davros' reviews on a few nsfw posts I will inform you on all of them he liked, he posted as his review: "I would do her.............. In the pooper........Davros" <-- the dots indicating a line skipped in the text.
I say unto you all: IT WAS DAVROS!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was it suicide munkeypants? You violated yourself in the pooper didn't you!?!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm.. helloooo! I'm, like, dead over here! Are you guys gonna find my killer, or like, what?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't accuse you CATAL,m i just don't think you can be trusted.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-09 22:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and I think AJ is the accomplice.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-09 21:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tim, I spoke to you a couple of nights ago and you KNEW there wasn't one on this as you were not talking to me when I posted it.
And these are my emails since dec 2nd
becky simpson (none) Dec 9 32KB
Hotmail Member Servi... Send Photos, Videos and Music Dec 8 1KB
Michael Rudolph Police Report 1 Dec 8 12KB
MSN Member News IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR ACCO... Dec 7 14KB
HotTickets.at.getLIVE.c... getLIVE Hot Ticket Tuesday's - Latest ne... Dec 7 34KB
Jay Greening Re: UberMurder Dec 7 2KB
Michael Rudolph FunnyAsCancer's will Dec 7 5KB
**************** additional note on murder 1 Dec 6 2KB
**************** Uber murder #1 Dec 6 2KB
Rachael de Wyrall Rachael de Wyrall's invitation Dec 3 2KB
Robert Chittock (none) Dec 3 1KB
Midasplayer Midas Mania Dec 3 13KB
lady plural Re: music
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Best not accuse me darko. 'Cause I'll kill you! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!
...........
That came out wrong, what I meant was if you accuse me, I'll kill all of you, I mean, I'd resent it.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well it's pbviously GLALL, in fact, a little TOO obvious if you know what I mean. Someone is trying to frame him! It couldn't be GLALL! Just look at that face! (http://www.ubersite.com/m/51844).
It was domenad!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I sent it to both of his addresses, just like I always do.
hotmail + gmail.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Stoned, which email of his did you send it to? I sent him an email before my report, only to find he didn't get it cause he can't get in his gmail account.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
while im at it, im gonna apologize to you.
im done with our feud, rate my posts and I'll rate yours.
fairly.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll see what I can find out. I don't know why he wouldn't put it up, especially since he wants people to do this so badly.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Deg-
I wrote it two or three days ago, as per his request. We solved our problems, so he has no reason to have a grudge.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the minute you say "I am voting for (uberer) then your vote is in stone. Why i originally said i still think it might be this person, or that i'm thnkinis person. But then i made my final vote as degreless.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Besides, the Chief of Police cannot be the killer. He can be killed, but cannot be the killer.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you not read? Your first vote counts.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, I know this is getting monotonous but I have (yet again) changed my mind. I am voting for FunnyAsCancer (not because I have anything against him) but because he was the only one mad at being voted for and also because Degreeless is sticking up for him pretty hard....could be the work of an accomplice whose job it is to take attention away from the real killer?
I seriously hope no one gets mad at this because that would be ridiculous...I am just trying to play the game.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Really? When did you write it? That would be really uncool of him to not take your report. Did you have a fight with him recently or something?
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:49:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate...and I am changing my vote.
I vote FunnyAsCancer.
Because you can only go on the information that is given you to make an informed decision and he's the one giving us the information. :)
(Just kidding, my vote still goes to GLALL.)
_____________________________________________________
Okay there, I admit I should have added a disclaimer.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck it, I took an hour writing my shit up and you don't even put it up.
count me the fuck out.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then you should've put a dislaimer.
(Just kidding, my vote still goes to GLALL)
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I voted for you as a joke. Damn, I didn't know people were so sensitive.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-09 19:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I didn't really expect everyone to decide to band together and kill me, but if there are people like that voting on who lives or dies...we're all doomed, no matter what I tell you guys.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 19:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FunnyAsCancer:
---
General towns folk
For people who didn't get a main role. Your role is the most important. You must vote on who you think the murderer is with the evidence given over the current week. One vote each and only your first vote counts.
---
So don't worry about boredgurl's dumbass logic.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-09 19:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:49:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate...and I am changing my vote.
I vote FunnyAsCancer.
Because you can only go on the information that is given you to make an informed decision and he's the one giving us the information. :)
~~~
So wait. You're voting against me, because...I'm giving you information.
That quite possibly has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard on Ubersite. And that's saying a lot.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate...and I am changing my vote.
I vote FunnyAsCancer.
Because you can only go on the information that is given you to make an informed decision and he's the one giving us the information. :)
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:22:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the detectives should beat GLALL until he talks. Then we can all go for ice cream.
_______________________________________________________________
I concur....my vote goes to GLALL
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More people should be voting on this.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-09 13:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<rating from beyond the grave>
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-12-09 09:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... yeah I'm thinking GLALL too
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 22:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damning, even.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 22:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He who smelt it, dealt it."
I still have to go with GLALL. The denial of an interview is pretty damnable evidence.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL is pretty sick. I vote him. Especially w/ the pooper incident.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot argue your logic, darko. You have a valid point. I guess I screwed myself over.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i vote Shlongy.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You denied being the killer.
And we all know the killer always denies it at first.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:48:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait...four votes for me? What have I done besides pimp this post? Oh dear, I don't look forward to dying.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Please vote people. After 84 reviews on the sign up thread you would think we would have more votes. cummon guys make this a decent, fun series and vote!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"NOT WHO YOU WANT DEAD"
But I want EVERYONE DEAD!!!
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going with degreless
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-08 19:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Does GLALL have an AIM name.
I think I need to talk to that guy.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NerfHerder did it.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think degreeless did it.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a disinterested party of the first part, I hereby solicit my services as
attorney-at-law to any interested parties of other parts, such as the prime
suspect and murderer, GLALL, who wrote me a poem and is clearly insane
because he said so. I am willing to provide my and/or these services to the
murderer "pro bono" in exchange for sufficient remuneration and ethnic food.
Offer void where prohibited.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:18:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine. My vote goes to Electro.
---
Ahahaha! I wouldn't rule it out, although I doubt his autistic mind would be able to conceive such a sophisticated murder.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the detectives should beat GLALL until he talks. Then we can all go for ice cream.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine. My vote goes to Electro.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe this is a compilation of all the police reports. I could be wrong, but I doubt it since everyone was voting on the thread.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We supposed to vote already? What about the police reports and suchlike?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, i put my votey thingy on degreeless.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-08 13:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup, my money's on GLALL.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm gonna have to wait for a few more to drop...not because I want other voting choices...cause I wanna hear about more dead ubers.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still think it's Degreeless.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-08 09:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow so much for my hopes that people would take to this series. Just as little interest as the last one.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What have you got on me? I PLEAD THE FIFTH!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-07 21:41:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, I'm damned impressed at the determination of the detectives. I would have never thought of any of this. Based on the amount of evidence, I would have to say GLALL is the best bet. Hell, how can you refute that evidence?!
My vote goes to GLALL. A great big kudos to all the detectives for your hard work. Great job, you all.
~~~
You're just glad I didn't pick you first, aren't you?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The evidence is hard to refute, but I have a sinking feeling that it might be CATAL. Just a thought, i'll have to look over everything somemore before i name names.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IT'S ME, I ADMIT IT!!!
I DID IT!!!
*sit down newbie*
Sorry....
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought GLALL was already a ghost.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-07 21:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*acts su...susp... weirdly*
ooooOOOOOoooo
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-07 21:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That one link is supposed to cut to GLALL's comment, but the period threw it off. Here's the real link:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48807#886942
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-07 21:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, I'm damned impressed at the determination of the detectives. I would have never thought of any of this. Based on the amount of evidence, I would have to say GLALL is the best bet. Hell, how can you refute that evidence?!
My vote goes to GLALL. A great big kudos to all the detectives for your hard work. Great job, you all.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-07 21:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gargh! Got to fucking proof read. There is like one comma in my fucking overseers report. Doing these stoned at 2am isn't cool.