B For Bipolar, B For Bitch (1745 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.57 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Return Of The King> (View user info) at 2004-12-07 22:28:16 EST
You know, I keep a lot of lists kicking around in the back of my head.
Movies I want to see, Restaurants I want to try, Girls I would like to engage in intercourse with, and SHIT THAT PISSES ME OFF.
For starters, I committed a collossal mistake the other day, took an outrageously unjustified risk in the name of boredom and watched The Real World on MTV. Now I know, you're all going to claim the moral high ground and claim you've never seen an episode, but deep down inside, I know each and every one of you is a closet observer of The Real World, or The Real Gay World, or whatever the latest reality short end of the gene pool spawn is just the same way you stop to look at train wreck on your way to the grocery store to buy cucumbers for non-culinary purposes. You sick fuck.
Anyway. This Real World (PHILADELPHIA!) has this black bitch named Shawana or some bullshit like that. This is the cardinal rule of reality television - thou must have a BLACK BITCH - the bonus being if her name is unpronounceable or at THE VERY LEAST unspellable (see above).
Here's what I can deduce about Shawana's relationship history: She was in a long term relationship with some guy whose name is inconsequential, but recently BROKE IT OFF. THEY BROKE UP, OK? But they DIDN'T REALLY break up. It's like launching a nuclear missile from a submarine - BOTH PARTIES MUST TURN THEIR KEYS. They still routinely talk on the phone - which mostly consists of her berating him for not listening (don't know for sure, wasn't paying the attention), and packing several tons of luggage for a very long, vivid guilt trip.
So she sends him some E-Card trying to make him feel like crap. She emails it to him. HE DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT WHILE TALKING TO HER ON THE PHONE, THAT SEXIST PIG, so what does she do? I'll tell you what she does. She checks HIS email. Yeah? Yeah. What does she see? Emails suggesting a rendesvous between him and his Ex-Girlfriend.
She gets pissed, saying he has no right to do such a thing, yadda yadda yadda, it's a generally unhappy situation. So, in a nutshell, he can't fuck her, he can't fuck his ex-girlfriend, and he can't even fuck his hand because he's constantly talking to his current yet purely platonic girlfriend on the phone.
And don't say that this only happens on reality television - a buddy of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend of about a year. Actually, she broke up with him. This time. Last time, he broke up with her. The time before last, vice versa. You see, his ex girlfriend was bipolar. Aha, see that's the trick. Whenever she needed money, company, or sexual favors she was the nicest girl in the world. Any other time, she was Queen Bitch the Feminazi. And when I Say Feminazi, I mean she makes Adolph Hitler look like a girl scout.
She was one of the weird Emo types too. Goth, Emo, Stupid, whatever these kids call themselves now.
One day I was meeting my buddy and his girl at the fair. I came up behind my friend and bumped into him. He bumped into her while she was doing whatever it is stupid emo girls do, and she gave me this LOOK. If looks could kill, well, whatever. So she gives me this look, and it was awful, the perfect combination of evil and ugly. Imagine Mimi from the Drew Carey show eating the most sourly nasty lemon. Picture that face and that's what I saw. From 2 feet away.
Except for one thing. She was trying to look real mean but something was missing. Something, something..
She had no eyebrows. She was trying to narrow them in a sinsister glare but had nothing to narrow. She shaved her eyebrows. What.The.Fuck. Normally, a missing patch of eyebrow would denote an unfortunate July 4th related incident. Not with this bird.
Eyebrows were TOO CONFORMIST FOR HER. FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT.
Right, right?
Anyway, she gives me this look so I took off my clothes, handed them to her and said "IRON MY SHIRT BITCH."
Not really, but a couple of months later, she broke up with him for some guy named Mitch. I mention this only because, until now, I had no idea there was anyone really named Mitch. Maybe a middle name, but surely not a first name. I even met this guy - I had to, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he some sort of weird chin cleft that made his chin look like a scrotum. Seriously, it looked like he inhaled someone's balls and left them perfectly preserved under his bottom lip.
Back to my point, this girl shaved her eyebrows and blamed all her problems on being bipolar. A chemical crutch. It's like *some* overweight people I hear - I'm obese because of a chemical imbalance in my aorta and pituitary gland - will you pass the donuts? Munch, munch, munch.
So, in conclusion, women are evil but are handy for ironing so don't give them too much crap about it. The end.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-12 09:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good little anti-woman rant. I always love these, as I agree with them about 30%... The other 70% of me wants to make passionate love to them on mountaintops with a team of Swedish adventurers filming it.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-12 09:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the time i took to read this was well spent. +2
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-01-12 09:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She was one of the weird Emo types too. Goth, Emo, Stupid, whatever these kids call themselves now.
+2 for that.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-12 09:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this for some reason.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-12 08:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm sorry, but this was total crap.
I don't give a shit about the Real World, even if you're making fun of it.
I don't give a shit about some friend's girlfriend, even if you're making fun of her.
I don't give a shit about your lame story.
-2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-01-12 08:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come back and post more.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-12-24 21:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish cats would post more often...some of the funniest stuff on uber.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-12-11 18:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeahhhh
Wwwwhat?
Ooo-kay
Yeahhhh
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-09 22:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eyebrows were TOO CONFORMIST FOR HER. FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wb
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-08 19:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I loved this till the last sentence. That was a crap sentence.
Submitted by Da_Blonde_Cajun (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HeHe, my cuz is bi-polar....WTF??? Yes, bitch excuse indeed. It's like they are saying, oh, I'm bi-polar, and I automatically don't know what I'm doing. WTF? Control yourself, man!! Anyway--Real World= very annoying, unless it's The Real Real World from Chappelle's Show. I love it!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
post more
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-08 13:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:54:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Look here Mr. President, giving your penis a techno-whiz name does not make it any bigger or you any less WTF GHEY!1er."
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
btw, my sister would often watch some (non)reality show or another... the rest of my family, as well... and she bought I Am Sam... i really have no idea how i was birthed of such stock
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry but this ain't nearly as good as your other stuff... still +2 worthy, though, especially this part:
"This is the cardinal rule of reality television - thou must have a BLACK BITCH"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-08 10:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You know what's even worse than the dipshits on The Real World?
The spoiled little dick teasers on Laguna Beach. Mrs. Shlongy, who is old enough to be all of these dorky kids mama, watches this crap. I don't have that much interest in my OWN families' lives, much less a bunch of random dipshit strangers.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-08 10:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I religiously watched Real World Vegas, cause I thought I'd see a murder at some point...
I didn't...
And I cried.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-12-08 09:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A chemical crutch. It's like *some* overweight people I hear - I'm obese because of a chemical imbalance in my aorta and pituitary gland - will you pass the donuts? Munch, munch, munch.
========
Awesome rant, and I ESPECIALLY agree with this statement.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-08 06:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, change your list name back to cats.
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-08 06:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anyway, she gives me this look so I took off my clothes, handed them to her and said "IRON MY SHIRT BITCH."
BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-12-08 05:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i like storys that don't go anywhere, like this one time in the 50's i was walkin down the street and....
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-08 03:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it isn't often i see quality ramblings on this site... this was one of them.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-07 23:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off. Especially because that's the perfect definition of bipolar. It's basically an excuse to be a bitch.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-12-07 23:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, son? Sorry about abandoning you for a terminally ill three fingered dwarf all those years ago..
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-07 23:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dad?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the king, indeed.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Look here Mr. President, giving your penis a techno-whiz name does not make it any bigger or you any less WTF GHEY!1er.
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ever seen a unipole magnet? NO YOU HAVEN'T BITCH BECAUSE I HAVE THE ONLY ONE.
Submitted by Andrewd (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can honestly say I have never seen the real world, and if I did? I prolly said wtf is this and changed the channel. MTV sucks ass
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck that, I've got a unipole magnet sitting in my garage, it blows your mind just watching it in action.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You clearly are the king of rants.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Usually, I hate rants with capitalizations all over the place. You, the master of the rant, can make this piffling trifle disappear.
What I'm trying to say is, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So random.
So angry.
So right.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
auto -2 real world post.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did that end up where it did?
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 die.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-12-07 22:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.